| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Hi,I am on the brink here and really not sure what to do and think I may be being taken for a mug!My Boyfriend and I split last year after we both thought the grass was greener and had drunken kisses whilst abroad with friends on separate holidays.Thing is, it was more him than me. He said he was having doubts for a while (about a year)and even met with the foreign girl he kissed when back home (after we split). I found out he had planned a secret meetingwith her which to be honest was really out of line and a complete disrepect on his part for me, so as much as I wanted to make it work I had to split from him.We had been together 3 years, living close to each other with our parents. His parents split when he was very young, his mum had a breakdown 3 years ago and attacked him and could have killed him. She seems fine now but I think it affected him mentally. I am now 25, he is 26.2 years of our relationship were very good. Last year was awful. He got so stressed from work that he took it out on me and was rude and obnoxious and wanted to stay in and never take me anywhere or do anything. I felt so neglected.After we split last Sep after knowing we had both been interested in other people. We stayed in contact to see how things went.I met someone else a month later and started seeing them. my ex found out from me and then said he wanted me back! I couldn't believe it but didn't go back as was having fun with the new guy.Months went on and he persisted in getting me back. even though he knew I was seeing someone else.Early this year I stopped seeing the new guy as it turned out he was not for me and was a bit strange!I gave it a go with my ex, now my boyfriend again still since January. At first all was good and he was different - outgoing and more talkative around my family, seemed more into me than ever and would do anything I desired. He took me to Paris for valentines and it was fabulous. Recently, however, it seems he is changing again, not really as interested to do what I want to do, he hardly speaks when around my parents, verging on the point of acting rude. When I talk when we are around my parents he seems to almost ignore what I am saying. When I ask what is wrong he gets very annoyed and says nothing is wrong and doesn't understand how he comes across. I am very close to my parents and my mother is very worried about me being with him and she doesn't think that he is that interested in me even though he wants us to get a house together and marry me (so he tells me) Should I listen to her? I sometimes wonder if there is someone out there better. When I tell my boyfriend I am not sure again he gets very upset and I think he must love me so much to get so upset, then again it may just be an act to make me feel this, then he goes back to his own self. What do you think I should do? I am worried I may not find anyone else, even though I know there are lots of guys who like me. Also I have a condition which means I need to start trying for children before 30 which doesn't give me a lot of time! :-(We were so happy again, I feel it may have been all an act on his part.xxx
View related questions:
a break, drunk, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2006): Dear, let's see if I understood this. You have a bf, who is moody, has anger issues, smokes dope and is rude, but he seems able to make the right choices on know what to do 'right' during the honeymoon phase of a relationship but his darker side creeps in, when the relationship drags on for an extended period of time. Being "in love" lasts a short time, but eventually 'real' life intervenes and that seems where he changes dramatically. You are recognizing this. Can I be blunt? You are walking into a marriage/ family nightmare with this man. When you choose a lifemate and a potential father to your children, you choose a man who treats you with love and respect. You choose someone who will be dependable, strong and be your 'rock' when the demands of childrearing, home mortgages, car payments and a whack of other stresses come into play. Kids and marriage is hard work and there will be stress...every family endures that. It doesn't sound like he has what it takes and what you will need to have a happy future. Kids need a Dad who has his act together. Think he's up for it? Your bf is moody and has emotional problems. You keep giving him chances to prove himself worthy of a future with you. I recommend you walk away from this, because I don't think he isn’t going to change or he would've by now. Face it, he is a much too complicated man with mood swings that your children will have to be exposed to, someday. It seems to me, he fluctuates from good to bad, erratically. He's way to 'iffy' to plan a future with. When he is on his best behavior and trying to convince you of a future and family together, what makes you think he will be able to keep his mood swings and general demeanor, calm, strong and stoic when the startling realities of parenthood and marriage, settle in.
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (9 May 2006):
 Hi again
It seems like your b/f needs more than just a couple of months of counselling, I think it is going to be a long haul thing for him and I think that perseverance is the only way forward for him.
He could get additional help through his doctor who could refer him to a psychiatric nurse which is all NHS.
However, he finished that 2 weeks ago and is now back smoking dope which is never going to make him view things without having smoke filled glasses on so to speak.
I think the mood swings and his behaviour to your mum and dad is completely due to the smoking or perhaps the fact that he could have gone even further than just a smoke of something. I would be extremely wary when he tells you that he is going to quit again as why did he start again after you got back together again.
Was it due to the fact that he thought, OK time to relax again as I have got her back or is this his normal new behaviour compared to when you were with him previously.
The anger and silent treatment that he is giving out is purely down to whatever he is putting into his body plus either depression or the issues that he now no longer feels he needs to discuss.
I think the fact that he has stopped the counselling is not a very good indication of the future that lies ahead for you.
Have you considered embryo freezing or anything for you?
I know I considered it with my ex before I had my daughter even though we had talked of splitting at the time as he agreed with me due to my past medical history.
Believe me I am not trying to put frighteners on you but your b/f is not the only fish in the sea and if you want peace of mind perhaps making plans could alleviate the stress you are feeling at the moment.
I do feel for you with your condition and you must go through hell most of the time.
From what you have now told me, I think that things are always going to be on a downhill slope with your b/f and whilst you have tried to be supportive I don't believe a miracle is going to happen and he is not going to change overnight.
You could end up wasting another 3 - 4 years of your life with this man and you could be with someone who is the man for you and treats you so right.
We get one chance of life and sitting around hoping that things are going to get better never actually happens, in a lot of ways I think that you really do have to think long and hard about your future with your b/f as I think what you want and what his needs are right now are worlds apart and unless he is prepared to change and to do that very soon, you will be the one losing out in the long run.
I am sorry to put everything so bluntly but I have to say it as I see it and I have never been good telling lies even white ones so you will only ever get the truth from me but in my opinion. Someone else could advise you differently but don't be miserable in life.
Life is for the living so enjoy it and at your age I would be loving every minute of it.
Sorry older woman syndrome here!!!! lol
Just be happy eh!
Best of luck and chat to me anytime or anyone else OK.
BFN
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you countrywoman! My guy already had counselling for what happened for a couple of months, he stopped a couple of weeks ago. He smokes dope also which he gave up when we first got back together now he has started again, says he will give up again in a month. When I say I think he still has issues he gets really angry with me! :-(
I have endometriosis.
x
...............................
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (6 May 2006):
Ooh I think that deep down your boyfriend has a lot of issues that need to be resolved and you are his safety net.
I think the attack from his mother did more than he is letting on and possibly he needs some counselling to deal with it as it seems as though he is having a dual personality thing going on right now or he may have bouts of depression which is not something you can deal with on your own.
I would be extremely wary of thinking that your b/f means what he says about marriage etc as without further help I think it would be a very risky thing to undertake as you could end up married with children and all sorts of problems could emerge if something is not done now. You would not want that to happen around a young child perhaps.
Your b/f possibly got back with you because he realised what he had lost or perhaps because he just did not want to see you happy with someone else. OK you realised yourself that things were not going anywhere with the new guy and you have given it another go with your ex. The fact that things are starting to get rocky again means that there are problems and your mum is just being a mum and I can understand where she is coming from as I would be the same with my daughter (admittedly she is only 5 right now), but you protect your own wholeheartedly and if you were in her shoes you would do the same I am sure.
I am not suggesting for one minute that you should just dump your b/f to look for a suitable daddy for your children due to your condition but don't leave things as they are right now. If you care for him then try to help him and see what happens, if he resists completely then that it the time that you need to ask yourself how much you truly love this man as if he won't get help then you need to move on as you have tried to help hinm and he has declined.
Don't remain in a relationship out of loyalty as you could find someone who is so much more loving and wanting the same things as you.
I know you have a race on so to speak with having a child etc. If you don't mind me asking, what is your condition? I have ovarian cysts and had one ovary removed at the age of 15 and then the other one had cysts again when I was 24 and had to be reconstructed, I was told to rush into having a baby but I didn't have one till I was 35 and I was fine.
Just don't rush a new relationship if you go down that route as you do have time so take things slowly as this is not your only chance of happiness.
I wish you well and hope to hear from you if you want to.
Take care and bfn.
...............................
|
