A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I fell head over heels in love with a man.He was 10 years younger than me. He was a serial cheater. Cheated on his exwife cheated on his ex girlfirends and cheated on his last girlfriend to be with me. It was perfect for 8 months. I knew he was going to ask me to marry him. But I broke it off for a few reason. First the cheating history, then, I couldnt understand why he would blow his money on silly things like a hot tub and vacations when his house was in need of repair. He owned a huge amount on student loans but when he has extra money he wouldnt put it on the debt he had. The passion was amazing,cards, flowers, text messages teling me how i was his world. But sooner or later that would have slowed down I mean who can keep that up forever. I was afraid once we setteled into a relationship the issues that worried me would come to the forefront. The other big issue was his child. one week on one week off. I was not close with the child and knew in my heart I never could be. I looked forward to the weeks he was not with us. We were in the honeymoon stage of our relationship. I read a study that once said that feeling of giddyness only last about 18 to 24 months then you settle into a routine and I worried at the first sign of trouble he would cheat because thats what he has done in the past.Once I broke things off with him he called me names on his facebook page and even ripped up all the pictures and threw them thru my office mail slot. I know I hurt him and I am not sure if It's him I miss or the loving attention I miss.within 2 months of us spliting up he had threesomes and had sex with multiple girls after we broke up which leads me to believe he has some kind of addiction to sex or at least the attention of other women. If a man needs that much attention from other women will he ever truly be happy with just my attention. I asked him why e had sex with so many and he told me it was to help him get over me. I love him with all my heart but isnt the best way to determine someones's future behavior is to look at their past behavior. Is it just a matter of time before he cheats on me ? He says we can be friends and try to rebuild what we had, but now he keeps his phone locked and is honest when he says he is " talking to other women " but if we got back together as a couple he would stop with the other women. He is single so I can't judge him for what he has done. But is that a clear indications of the kindof person he is ? should I try again and give our relationship another chance. I miss his so much I cry everyday. What should i do I feel like i lost the love of my life
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 April 2013):
 A man (regardless of his age) who cheats on more than one partner over the years has a pattern of cheating (I can and will see forgiving a one time cheat but not a serial cheater… a pattern is a pattern)
HE cheated WITH YOU on his last EX… he will probably CHEAT ON YOU with his next GF and leave you for her (or have you kick him to the curb)
Then he’s not responsible with his money (this is me btw but I choose my current husband partially due to his ability to manage our money) BTW a vacation is not a bad thing when the house is in need of repair…. Sometimes our brains and souls need repair too… NOW the hot tub is not an excusable purchase and it also costs serious money to run one…. MONTHLY electric bills etc…
He does not reacting well to stress… hence his name calling and picture destroying.
Having sex to help you get over a love? CROCK OF SHIT in my book…. Why in the world if the person I love and adore left me would I even consider having sex with others? IT would make me feel worse not better… and it sure would not make me forget them or get over them. I don’t get why folks think that works.
I think you used his past to help judge his present. I think you need to keep moving forward. The tears will stop.
Do you miss the name calling?
Do you miss the lack of trust?
I do not think you made a mistake in leaving.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): I have been in a similar place to you, with a man of similar traits. It has taken me over two years to stop regretting my decision, and to find a place where I feel good about it.
there are three parts to my advise to you.
1. This is the MOST IMPORTANT: You HAVE TO TRUST YOUR INTUITION. You know deep down in your heart, that long term this man was going to hurt you. You knew, that you had to get out while you still could, because the longer you were in that relationship, the more it was going to hurt. TRUST that you have done the right thing, even though it is hard to see that right now, especially with how much you love him and miss him. You can't see the bigger picture right now, but your intuition was guiding you, and YOU HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THING. Since he has slept with so many woman since you, I doubt you will ever be able to go back to him and trust him.
2. You have described the character traits of a man that is not good for you. I would need more details of his character to suggest the sort of person you have described, but the few traits suggest enough to me, that he is not marriage material. Can you describe him more? Does he like to present himself as prestigious? Rich? Does he who empathy for others? He sounds like he has a sex addiction. The best predictor of the future, is the past.
3. You need to believe that you are WORTH a man that will TREAT you that way FOREVER. With cards and flowers and texts... THAT is normal for many people. To have love and affection and attention for the next 25 years of your relationship, then another 25 years. The giddyness DOES pass, but the love deepens and the flowers and attention and cards SHOULD not stop, the gifts may get less often, but they don't need to stop. You might need to check your belief system.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 March 2013):
 I would judge his present and the past. He has nothing else to offer you but cards, flowers and texts. And you know a relationship needs so much more than that. It's normal to regret a break up. Don't make a mistake by getting back to him because you miss the attention. He is irresponsible with money, has baggage that loving attention alone can't solve. Your loneliness will pass and then you will wonder what you were thinking, and be glad that you didn't let this drag on longer. Once you broke up with him that's it. You can't use a break up as a wake up call for him to man up. He's talking to other women, charming then to see who else is naive. The break up made him realize he couldn't use you or fool you so he needs someone else. I am not even thinking whether he would cheat a lot, just your description of him shows he is not marriage material.
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A
female
reader, Lady in Love  +, writes (31 March 2013):
 i don't think you did a mistake, you simply don't have to live forever in fear of what if he cheats!!he have the right to be with other women now that you are apart, and if its only sexual contact with others then he does love you.what you should do, and what i actually did with my boyfriend whom with i had similar problem, is that you need to sit down with him and explain all your fears, and tell him that the hurt he felt when you left the first time was his own creation, and he will coast himself the same pain if he ever leaves you feeling any doubt again, make it loud and clear that you love him but not to an instant that you would live in hell of being cheated on, make his choice, you and no one else or everyone else, don't take his answer on the same day, give him a week to think, if he used this week to sleep with as much women as he can , know he's not worth your love and that he seeks sexual pleasure over love pleasure, yet! if he uses this week to really think, if he talks to you and insists on giving you the answer right now! then he's worth it!TEST HIM!best luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2013): HI OPAs a male I can tell you now that men very, very rarely change their ways. You were perfectly sensible and right to judge this guys past because he is a serial cheater. Every woman (or most of them at least) he has cheated on, even cheating on his ex to be with you. No offence but im sure all his exes felt that what they had with him was special, meaningful and "different" to all the other times he cheated on someone, only to discover they were just next in line.Maybe he would have stayed faithful to you? Obviously the only way to know this for certain would be to stay with him BUT it would be far more hurtful, problematic and difficult if, having given him the benefit of the doubt, he cheated on you too. Im all for giving someone a second chance. But from reading your post OP it clear that womankind has given him about two dozen chances and each time its the same story. After breaking up with you he was off having 3somes, sex with multiple women....don't get me wrong he is single now and that's his business but, considering he is a known cheater, he isn't exactly showing you his intention to change his ways is he?He has told you he was having sex with others since you split to help him get over you? Sounds a best like a lame excuse to avoid saying "well actually I just wanna f*** as many women as possible". And what about if your relationship had a bad patch in the future? Would he go off sleeping around to make him get over that too?As for his finances its clear that he is materialistic. In fact OP this sounds just like my brother (hes in the uk so its not him LOL) who is the same - a serial cheater obsessed with himself and his own image. My brother would happily not pay his rent for several weeks and be threatened with eviction but strut his stuff on a night out in £2000 worth of brand new designer clothes. Or drive a car which was not road legal because he spent the repair money on a designer hair cut or spray tan at a top salon. Sounds like this guy is the same. Cannot be responsible with money or faithful to a woman when the lure of making himself feel and look good comes along in the form of a hot tub or pretty girl.What does that say about his future husband potential? Would you want to spend a significant amount of your life, possibly the rest of your life, with a man who would rather splash cash he hasn't got on up market treats while his home badly needs sorting out and his debts are building up? You did the right thing OP. Yes he may change (unlikely) and yes he may be persuaded to sort his debts and take care of his responsibilities but its very unlikely. A three legged blind horse may win a race but I wouldn't put my money on it. ;-)Move on and enjoy looking for someone who deserves your attentions, rather than wasting your efforts with this guy.Best of luck.
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