A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What is wrong with me and relationships from a psychological point of view?I [24 MALE] try to convince myself that I want a relationship when in reality I'm only attracted/drawn to the fact that women want a relationship with me.It's like I will see an attractive woman and if I don't get her attention immediately I will try my utmost to get it, whether it's by my dressing, or saying a witty intelligent joke.I will then get her attention and phone number in the process we go on a couple of dates and as soon as she shows interest in getting closer I just panic and end things. And by 'getting closer' I don't mean anything to forward or too fast or anything out of the ordinary. Simple things such as she starts to text me more regularly and talk about things like our families. And it's not like I'm the stereotypical guy who does this ONLY after they get sex. Even if we haven't had sex yet, as soon as she starts getting closer to me I back off, panic and end things. Then sometime in future i will see these women in relationships and feel regret that I ended things and start considering a relationship and the cycle continues. What's wrong with me?TLDR: Something deep down keeps convincing me I want a relationship and every time I'm in pole position to start one I just press the reset button.someone referred me to some articles about 'dismissive/avoidant' attachment style and here's what i found out -- we often say things to ourselves such as:“You don’t need anyone.”“Don’t get too involved. You’ll just be disappointed.”“Men won’t commit to a relationship.”“Women will try to trap you.” “Why does he/she demand so much from you?”“You’ve got to put up with a lot to stay involved with a man/woman.”“There are other, more important things in life than romance.”“You’ve got to protect yourself. You’re going to get hurt in this relationship.”“You’re too good for him/her.This does not mean that their heart is made of steel, in fact they are just as vulnerable to the threat of separation as the rest of us. However, they have learned to adopt a defensive stance and therefore don’t seem very vulnerable at all.more hallmarks are:Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready to commit”—but staying together nonetheless, sometimes for years.Focusing on small imperfections in your partner: the way s/he talks, dresses, eats, or (fill in the blank) and allowing it to get in the way of your romantic feelings.Pining after an ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend.Flirting with others—a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship.Not saying, “I love you”—while implying that you do have feelings towards the other person.Pulling away when things are going well (e.g., not calling for several days after an intimate date).Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is married.“Checking out mentally” when your partner talks to you.Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy—to maintain your feelings of independence.Avoiding physical closeness—e.g. not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.In closing what advice do you have for me? Cause I really need it in other to 'cure'?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2015): Be patient and don't take rejection too personally. It means you're not the right person for the one who turned you down.
Being scornful turns against you. Women being the intuitive creatures that they are; will pickup on signs of inexperience and boyishness. They tend to be a little uneasy when they don't think you know how to be serious, or seem to lack self-confidence. You can't quantify female behavior, and keeping a book "rating" women is the most chauvinistic move ever. If they found that book, it's no wonder they didn't stick around, bro!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for the deep insight, 5 stars to you both. All of what you guys said speak directly to me. Some past interactions with a couple girls may have contributed towards that. The first one totally rejected when I asked to be her gf, the second one (not long after the first) rejected and only wanted a "flirtation-ship" this somewhat skewed my impression of women for the worst. It's like I have trust issues about the genuine intentions so before they outwit me I try to outwit them and get them first. It's like I have this repressed anger and vengeance inside me which I need to let go off. And when I do meet a new girl I try to create the second girl who rejected me (who I had considered the perfect gf for me). And if they don't meet up with these standards I try to critic and grade them. I literally keep an Evernote diary of every girl I've dated since then and grade them on qualities, quantifying things like math/science.
I recognize this as me not growing up yet and showing angry immaturity and vengeance. But I'm willing to change that now. I feel bad for the girls whom I've just hightailed on like a coward.
I had been almost in a prison growing up with my parents (who are good parents) but I lacked sufficient freedom, plus they didn't educate me on girls and how to treat/interact with them enough, coupled with the fact that I was shy and not very rich. This hindered some of my growth which I was desperately trying to claw back in my adult years by having fun and not getting into any serious on relationship..particularly after incident 1 & 2. Right now it seems tough trying to reverse that and getting serious about changing the ways I have.
I need to look at women and relationships with them in a more positive manner, learn to communicate better and compromise some of my personal tendencies and independence to achieve.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2015): You are a 22-24 year-old millennial who needs to mature and gather more experience. You're too analytical about everything; and your over-saturation of information clogs your ability to connect with people without a million things running through your mental-computer.
This is not intended as an insult, it's an observation. Although you are quite intelligent and articulate; you are still somewhat immature. You fear commitment will hold you emotional-hostage to a woman. You're finally free of your mother's rule, and you see that potential in every woman you meet!
You don't say how you connect with people in-general; but I speculate you hang with a hip and intellectual group of people; who have the latest technology and you are rarely seen without a device in your hand. Your main connection with people is most-likely through social media; but when you party, you party hardy.
My young friend, you'll be okay. You're one of the rare smart ones who is now looking at life through introspection and noticing what all this is doing to your humanity. You want to connect, and you essentially care about people; and you are a salvageable soul who will find his way.
Why? Because you want a relationship and you want to be loved just like we all do. You're trying too hard to intellectualize something that is evasive, nondescript, and changeable. Love. Yet you fear not being in full control of all situations around you. Get a handle on that, will you?!
Until you actually find love, you are on a journey through your youth. Learning and absorbing. Each woman you meet is leaving an indelible impression on you. She touches you in some way, even through a fleeting flirtation. You are searching for a "signal" but this is purely through instinct. You haven't matured enough to understand why.
The good thing is, you've got the right instincts. Give yourself some credit here.
You need practice at having a relationship. This happens through a series of dates with the same person, and ignoring your fight or flight impulse. You're finally away from the restrictions and monitoring of your parents, you've completed college, and now you're an independent adult.
You suffer a little arrested-development when it comes to making romantic connections; and you are scared as hell of anymore restrictions in your life. You have a poor perspective on what a relationship is. It does have boundaries and restrictions; but it does not mean you surrender your identity and freedom. You establish your boundaries with other people through communication. Not by trying to outwit them, or figure them out by being always one step ahead of them. Always giving yourself the first and last word, and ending relationships on your own terms.
Being a heart-breaker is pure immaturity, and what goes around comes around!
You haven't fallen in-love yet. Once you have, your fight or flight instinct will become very confused. You'll be afraid to runaway and leave something behind you truly want to keep. Telling you you're immature comes across as an insult; but it means a little more than just inexperience.
It means you are still mentally and psychologically catching-up with the events of your life. They move forward quickly, and you've got to catch up.
Women are light-years ahead of us guys in psychological maturity. In their early teens they're ready for relationships. We guys need a variety of pairings and experiments with girls/guys and sex. Our maturation comes when reality hits us. I had the benefit of older brothers, a good father, grandfather, and many mentors who were the best male-role models ever. They paved the way, and I was able to learn so much before I was thrust into the world. This isn't the way things go these days. People come from separated or divorced households, raised by single-parents, and they have to often be parents themselves before they're full-adults.
So, don't label yourself with avoidance and dismissive behavior quite yet. Time and the right woman will change it all. Continue to date. Once the right chemistry is ignited, there's no escape. You'll want to stay. You don't have to give-in to clingy women who bore you. Women who attach themselves like parasites. Stop listening to male horror stories who paint women in ugly ways; or you'll find yourself afraid of them.
Relax! Get to know a woman and stick around to see what happens before bringing down the curtain. You've got to watch the whole show, bro! Cool it! Take a chill-pill, and stop turning romance into a science project. Romance is illogical, crazy, and wonderful. It's frustrating, silly, and powerful. Take time to understand it, and you will mature and catch up with life's events.
Good luck, young warrior!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2015): Have you ever been in a relationship before? How was your past relationships? How was your relationship with your mother/parents? Do you have close friends and a tight knit supportive family? You may be carrying emotional baggage and in order to move forward you have to identify these hang ups of which you may not be consciously aware of. It may be tiny things like you not getting attention as a kid... to not having good experiences in the dating circuit. But these experiences may have changed the way you perceive relationships. All in all I think you need to first correct these issues that already exist in your relationships and only then will your view on relationships change as a whole.I am speaking this from experience. Its your sum total of all human relationships and experiences that have turned you in a certain way. So evaluate your relationships with everyone keenly. And look deeply into any past hurt feelings that you may be harboring and you may not have fully confronted yet. Its a task but just identifying these will be the first step. the second would be consciously changing your reaction to these situations. This would require you to understand the dynamics of the situation(why someone did that and how much of it affects you really). thirdly try and understand all such relationships and let go of ones that are harmful/ negative/ overly dependent/ smothering/ dismissive to you.Only then you can actually start forming strong positive relationships with new people.I have assumed that you have such relationships bogging you down. If that is not the case please forget what I wrote.
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