A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am having an issue with my brother. We currently live together, and cannot move out due to various familial reasons. He does not do his share of the housework, and I am constantly picking up after him. The most common offences are leaving food out to spoil and spilling food on the floor, counters, furniture etc and leaving it. We have ants now, which is a real problem.When I try to make him do his part, he takes the cheap shot of using my depression as a weapon...as in 'well you're one to talk telling me what to do, you've accomplished nothing where I accomplish lots.' I'd like to point out this is not a matter of me not paying rent or something of that nature. We have no issues with our rent, its all equal.I end up doing his share of work anyway, and he hurts my feelings on top of it. Its worse because he is my own brother. I don't know how to stand my ground. What do I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 October 2015):
 I agree wholeheartedly with Auntie BimBim.
STOP cleaning up after him. Now I get if there is food on the floor/counter it needs to be cleaned up, ants/cockroaches is nasty business.
Apart from food stuff DO NOT pick up after him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2015): I'm very sorry I read it wrong! Bit tired today! Didnt realise you said it was you who was depressed.in that case he's being awful to you, try and find somebody else to share a place with x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2015): Some cultures require that a single female your age and older, not live alone. Is that the familial reason you must live with your brother? He's not only using your depression against you, he is also taking advantage of the fact you're a female. He is most likely mimicking the behavior of your father. He places you in the position of servitude; because
you don't stand-up for yourself, and he knows there's no one to turn to otherwise.
He isn't a nice person, he was brought up to be disrespectful toward women, and he is unsympathetic to your mental-illness. There isn't much advice people can give you here; because there is so much you haven't explained.
Why aren't you living with your parents? If it is a matter of culture, no one can safely advise you to stand-up to your brother; without inadvertently placing you in harm's way, or making you vulnerable to his retaliation. No one can make him clean up after himself, or be nice to you. It's entirely in your hands.
He is mean, and there is not much you can do about that. You don't like living with him; then your only option is to find another sympathetic and loving relative who'll take you in. You must explain why you are unable to leave this situation?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2015): While it's not very nice living with somebody who just makes a mess could you give us some info as to why he is depressed and how bad it is.I have suffered with really bad depression in the past because of something bad happening to me and when I was at my worst I had absolutely no energy to do anything and I'm ashamed to say I didnt clean as much as I should have. I didnt pick up after myself but I lived on my own so I didnt put somebody in your position.If his depression is really bad have you tried talking to him about it, are you supportive about it? I'm not in that place anymore and I have lots of energy, my house is clean and tidy but I had to go out and get help and take anti depressants. Is he making an effort to try and make himself better?Although I didnt tidy up like I should have I didnt just tip things everywhere or leave things spilled on furniture so I can see how annoying that can be for you. If hes around your age a lot of men are untidy at that age too. First time I went to an ex boyfriends house it was a tip, he was messy and so was his housemate.If you really cant put up with this you should try and work on moving out. If your rent is no issue you could find another person to share a house with.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (18 October 2015):
 If you cant move out stop cleaning up after him. Buy some clip lock containers, small ones for food etc, and larger ones for your dishes.
Keep your food separate from his in the fridge, in your containers, and your dry good in more containers in your room.
Your dishes are also stored in the ant proof (and cockroach proof)containers, in your room. You clean up after yourself and leave him to wallow in his mess.
It should only take a few weeks before he realises his messes are not being magically taken care of. When he starts to berate you, remain calm and polite and just remind him that you were not put on this earth to clean up after him.
And in the meantime, investigate if you REALLY are stuck living in the same space as him, see if there is someway you can move out into an environment where people recognise the value of cleanliness.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (18 October 2015):
 I think you need to explain more about the 'familial reasons' which keep you living in each other's space.
In order to create harmony you either have to add a note or take one away.
In this case the easiest thing would be to take yourself out of the unpleasantness.
Please write in with what is keeping you locked into this stressful situation.
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