A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i have just done the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life. I think I destroyed my relationship. I have been feeling distant for months, and have been trying so hard to make this work. But I know he loves me, and I know I love him.He knows he hasn't been working hard enough, and it is just now coming out at the threat that he may be losing me. I don't know how to feel, my heart feels heavy, and my mind is blank. I have changed my life for him and he has done the same for me. When I fell in love with him I knew it was something I meant with all my being, and I have always been careful, but here I am finding myself in the toughest place despite how careful I have been. I know I am still rather young, and I know many will tell me it is for the best ,or that I will have plenty more of life and opportunities, but I am having a hard time with this because I am scared for him, because I love him so much, that I hate to tear his world apart.I asked him for some time, I told him I have no answers, and he just takes it as me breaking up with him completely and sees no other way. I do not know what exactly I want, which is why i need time. I have a lot of things to look forward to, and a lot of things I want to do with my life, and I fear that I may have met him too soon, or rushed in too soon. We have been together 3 years, living together for 2. As I said, I have always been so careful in matters of the heart, I weighed everything, before I jumped into this with him, and now I am finding out you cannot predict the future of a loving relationship. It bends and curves to the whim of whatever cradles it, and sometimes we have no control over what it is that shapes us.I am sad, and scared for him. I am scared that I may have made a mistake by doing this to him. What if I decide that it was such a huge terrible thing to even do this, and when I go back to him, he isn't there anymore? How do i cope? How should I communicate with him? What do I say?How do I make him see that I need time, space, and to work on myself without him thinking I don't love him anymore?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (27 December 2011):
Hi there. Maybe what has happened is that you tried to please him too much and in doing so, you forgot about making time for your own needs.
It happens.
Women often try so hard to make it work in a relationship, that they partly or almost completely sacrifice their own lives and their own needs.
They forget about themselves, and put themselves last.
You might have given up a lot to make it be perfect in every way. Perhaps you even tried too hard.
Over time, it could have felt like hard work to you.
And then you felt that outside of the relationship with this man, that you had no other life at all!
It doesn't need to be that way.
When you are together you enjoy each other and have fun. Living in the present moment.
Outside of that when you are alone, you do your own thing - the stuff that brings you joy and fulfilment. And he does the same. For instance, seeing your own friends, pursuing hobbies and interests. These are the parts of life that put the rest of your life into complete balance.
It's not like you don't love him anymore. It's more that you feel like you don't have a life outside of the relationship.
All that's needed here, is compromise.
Compromise to you, might mean:-
(1) Going out to see your friends at least one night a week.
(2) Pursuing a hobby or interest once a week.
(3) Making time for your own enjoyment at least once or twice a week. Something that's fun.
Find a way to make it happen - whatever it takes.
In other words, take some of the focus off the relationship, as the be all and end all of life.
There are other parts of life to also be enjoyed on a regular basis.
Life is not meant to be all work and no play.
And certainly, a relationship should never feel like work.
If you have been placing a great deal of focus on making your relationship with this man absolutely perfect in every way, well then you have been making it No. 1 priority in your life - apparently above all else.
And certainly, above your own personal needs as an individual.
If you are fairly sure now, that you have made a mistake in calling it quits with this man, rather than texting him to say this, what would be much nicer and more appropriate now, would be to write him a letter with words coming right from your heart saying all that you are feeling. The critical point here, is that you are completely honest with what you say.
And do not leave anything out.
Don't write the letter if you are feeling angry or upset, because the letter will reflect those negative feelings, and you don't want that.
Perhaps you could go for a nice long relaxing walk and have a think about it idly, while you are walking. You could walk for as long as you want say up to 60 minutes, before you decide you are relaxed enough and stress free enough to sit down and write this letter.
I do say "write" - meaning to HAND WRITE - the letter, to give it the really personal touch. As opposed to typing it on your computer.
Then post it.
Then after your long, relaxing walk, you will have a calm relaxed mind and be able to think clearly about what to say to him in that letter.
A letter is much better than a phone call for this purpose.
The reason being, that in a letter you can be totally honest and say what you could never say over the telephone, because of feeling self conscious - even though it's the truth.
Another reason for a hand written letter, is you can say it all - without being interrupted by him - as it would be if you were speaking on the phone.
He can then read and reread the letter over and over again - at his leisure.
He probably has a pretty good idea already, of where you are coming from anyway, because of how you broke up. It wasn't anything that he did, it was about your life.
So when you do feel ready to take this action, calmly sit down in a quiet environment where you are very unlikely to be interrupted by anyone else, and write your letter.
If you are nervous about writing it, well then just do whatever it takes to make you calm again. Maybe you could go for that nice long relaxing walk first.
And before you even decide whether to write the letter at all, you first have to be sure that you DO want to be with him again.
And to want to be with him again, it has to be for the right reasons - that you love him for who he is. Warts and all.
So if you are having doubts about your decision to end it, as you have said you are, through that thinking process of weighing it all up, be sure there is nothing else you find unacceptable about him that you COULD NOT live with, should you get back together again.
I would advise you to have a couple of sleeps on it, and see how you feel in the morning. Sometimes a day can make all the difference. Or even two days - or three.
You might think it's the right decision before you go to bed, however when you wake up next morning, you might have all sorts of regrets - as you seem to be doing.
And especially, you might be having regrets if you made a very rash decision to call it quits. Like it was on the spot and not a decision you'd been thinking about for months.
So this is something you really have to be clear on, before you decide if you do actually want to go back with him.
You need to take as long as it takes, in making this decision. Don't rush into it.
Once you are sure you want him back - then write the letter. But not before you are absolutely sure.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): I feel your pain. It's true you can't predict the future, whether the future of your relationship or any other area in your life. You may have carefully considered this before you got into this relationship but Things Change, that's the way of life. People change, situations change. Especially when you're still young, people can change a lot in a short time span.sounds like you're afraid to leave him even though you really don't want to be in this relationship. This is something only you can weigh about whether it's worth it to continue this relationship just to avoid the fear of "what if's" . Maybe you can stay but not in the same way, but something has to change. Or maybe it's time to let go even though it's difficult. What if you regret this choice in future? well it's always possible that you may have regrets no matter what you do or don't do. You can't live your life based on fear of future regrets which you don't as yet have, because you could just as easily regret not leaving him. if it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not, it won't. that's what I think anyway.
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