A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure where to start. I was friends with my boyfriend for years and this year we started going out. He was always so nice to me but recently his alcoholism has come back and he has started being very nasty and got us both arrested because he head butted me and I punched him. When he's drunk he has blackouts and does some really horrible things to which he has no recollection. He also can be very spiteful and has accused me of cheating on him even though I never get a moment to myself, destroying his phone numbers because - HE - didn't put HIS sim card back in his phone and various other things. I helped him kick a heroin habit and get a flat with me and try and sort his life out but he just seems to want to get wasted and drunk all the time and says he doesn't want to do anything with his life I am 20 and he is 22 and I think it's really unfair I want to do so much but I do love him. I think I am very stupid and have low confidence for sticking around. But he was a good friend. One who I hold dear. He saw me go through a lot. He's also quite insensitive and has remarked on having threesomes and orgys. This makes me uncomfortable because in my opinion I would rather not know about his sex life since he has sexual difficulties with me and can only manage sex once a week if that and it's always sloppy. I don't know what to do it seems as though we've lost the spark and I don't know how to fix it anymore. He tries to pin the blame on me for things without realising how much strain it puts on me as a person and I need some help to know what to say to him. Everytime I try to he confuses me by switching it on me even though I know he's causing all of this or at least his drug and alcohol problems are and one of his closest friends told me I was totally in the right and that I havent done anything wrong. I wish I could turn back time and have what we had before it all went pear shaped. He doesn't seem interested in doing anything and he lives out of my pocket. I need him to realise his mistakes and stop blaming me for it but I just don't know how to get through to him. Please help me to say something to get through to him.
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confidence, drunk, sex life, spark, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): Well "Lazyguy" said it all; read and re-read his answer;
I suggest; you need to think about yourself and your future; love is not enough to make a relationship work or happy;
You have to seriously think about your future; you have to take control of your life and stop being the martyr.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES to you.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (12 July 2008):
 "But he was a good friend. One who I hold dear. He saw me go through a lot."
Right... Why am I reminded of a Law&Order episode in which a nazi camp doctor has been found and a victim gives evidence describing him as a saint for bringing her back to life over and over as part of medical experiments?
If this is your idea of a good friend, just what the hell would you consider an enemy?
He is making your life miserable and you let him? Experience tells me that you past probably isn't that happy, broken home, parents who just didn't care etc etc.
This is NOT a relationship that is going to work out. It just won't. No matter how much you claim to love him, no matter how many excuses you find. You can't cure him, because for him, there is nothing wrong. There is no magic trick, no secret word.
The only thing you can do is learn that you deserve to be happy, that you do NOT deserve to be treated this way. That you deserve better.
You are exhibiting classic battered wife syndrome.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is accept that love just ain't enough. Give it up and move on. Love is not always the answer.
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