A
female
age
36-40,
*awgirl
writes:Recently I was dating a guy for two months. Instantly we connected. He immediately asked me for another date after our first date. He called me everyday, texted me everyday, and we saw each other maybe 2-3 times a week. We became intimate a little too soon in my eyes, but everything remained the same. We still saw each other just as much and talked every day. He would send me little texts throughout the day to let me know he was thinking about me. He's 27 and has joint custody of his son. The thing that bothered me was that he recently got a divorce. Not that I think he still wants his ex-wife (her cheating was something he just couldn't get past). But the divorce is all so new, that I don't think he has dealt with the change yet of not being totally with his family like he's used to. A little over 2 weeks ago he called me to tell me how much he appreciated that I was working with him understanding that he has a son that is his first priority and was working 80 hour weeks. He told me this after, I felt a little neglected but then quickly understood everything he was dealing with. He said that although he didnt want a relationship yet, he respected me and enjoyed the time we had been spending together and wanted to see where things would go between us. I was happy to hear that as I don't exactly want a relationship either due to the fact that I just moved a year early to a state 1100 miles away from home so that I can focus on grad school for next year (I'm trying to become an in state resident). The next day I was invited to a BBQ that his childhood friends were throwing. Everything went great and he showed me affection in front of his friends and they all loved me. We stayed the night together (nothing physical) and shortly after that... I saw my calls and texts being returned and answered sporadicly. One day after he didn't respond to a text or a call I gave him, he sent a stupid text like "Hey there, what r u doing? It's been a week since I have heard from him. I don't know if things were going so well that it seemed like we had no other direction to head but towards a relationship which is what he stated he didn't want since he's still dealing with his divorce (he got the divorce shortly before he met me and I think he was afraid to actually tell me how recent the divorce was), or if somehow in a day he just completely lost interest in me after spending so much time together? I gave him some space and left him a nice voicemail stating that he could talk to me about whatever was on his mind and that I was open to hear from him. This was yesterday and I heard nothing. I don't plan on calling again since I have called quite a few times, but is there something else I could/should do to let him know that I'm not going to bite his head off for calling me and letting me know what's wrong? I think emotionally WE moved too fast in the beginning bc we immediately had a connection and now he doesn't know what to do. If he never responds then I don't want to be bothered with anyone who doesn't want to be bothered with me. But in the time being, Is there anything that I can do to regain his interest?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): Well, I think that is smart, don't do anything more. A good axiom in dating men is never pursue a man more than he is pursuing you. In fact I think for the first few months it is wise to let a man do all of the calling and initiating everything. You can't start acting like a girlfriend and calling and checking up on him or he is going to back away like a crab.
You sound like a smart gal, but I do think you are in a little denial about what it is you want. If a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship but he wants to keep seeing you to see where things go, he is telling you that he is not all that into you and he wants to see what is out there that might be better. That should be your cue to make yourself VERY scarce and start putting your focus elsewhere...if he really is just a scardey cat and is into you more than he is willing to admit, he will come looking for you, he will, if he doesn't then you have your answer time to move on to someone more deserving of your time and emotional energy.
A
female
reader, lawgirl +, writes (2 December 2009):
lawgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your input guys.
Oldersister: It's not that i want a relationship at this point in time with him; it's just that I would have liked to see things go a little further between us and in my understanding I was not the only one feeling that way as I was told I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW BUT I WANT TO CONTINUE SEEING YOU AND SEE WHERE THINGS GO BETWEEN US. Still keeping his options open, as was I. But we both made it clear to each other that we had other things going on, but wanted to still date each other which also included other people on both parts. Again, I don't think I was fully alone on my feelings, as I stated that it was him who called me everyday, and texted me every morning, and wanted to see each other more often, NOT ME. However, I did grow fonder of him after we spent more time together which I believed to be only normal. I just think that the texts, and calls, and visits, were maybe a little too soon for us. What was hard for me to understand, was how we had made it clear to each other how we didn't want anything too serious at the time and continued just dating; things seemed great after that. Then I am invited to meet all his friends, then after that is when he backed off. If he had been feeling like things were becoming too emotional on my part for quite some time, I'm not for sure why he introduce me to his friends. I would have thought that he would have taken someone else that he was dating. I am NOT going to continue to pursue him, I feel as if I did my part and like I said I don't want to be bothered with anyone who doesn't want to be bothered with me. But thanks again for the input.
Rhythmandblues; it has actually been a week since I have talked to him. If it was just a few days then I wouldn't have felt the way that i did as I understand that people have lives, it's just to be hearing from someone every single day and then they go MIA after a week, was a big sign to me. But again as I told oldersister, I did my part, and I am not going to do anything else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): I am confused, I don't really read anything here that says he isn't interested, he just hasn't called in a day or two? And he didn't immediately respond to your texts or calls?
How long have you two been dating? He says he doesn't want a relationship, then why are you putting all your efforts into this one man? You should realize that you are single, he hasn't taken your relationship to the level of exclusivity so you need to stop initiating anything with him and let him do the work of this relationship.
That is why you are so anxious, you are doing the work that you expect a man to do. And by the way it is loud and clear that you in fact so want a relationship with this man, so don't pretend that you don't to him or to yourself. Tell him that you don't want to be just a girlfriend that you want to find happily ever after, that in the not so distant future that you would like to find the man that you want to marry some day. You understand if he doesn't want a relationship and that he has the right to take as long as he wants to decide about you, but while he does that you intend to date other men, and then do it. He can't have you all to himself if he hasn't made that commitment and he hasn't.
So stop putting so much focus on him and what he is and isn't doing, whether or not he is calling or how often or when. Don't be mad at him when he does call, just let him know that you aren't counting on him for all your happiness and for filling you up and taking care of all your emotional needs. That you have a life of you own and you are out living it. Be busy, don't pretend, put your focus on you and not on him then it won't really matter all that much what he is doing or with whom.
Keep your heart open to other men and you just may find one who does want a relationship. I think this guy is fond of you, he likes you, but believe him when he says he does not want a relationship right now, which is the same as saying he is keeping his options open, you do the same, OK?
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