A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi ThereI have a problem. My boyfriend of 2 years has been telling me approximately every 2 months now for the year that he doesn't love me or we are not commpatible or he is confused about his feelings. We are in this stage right now where he doesn't know how he feels. I know every time he goes ring shopping he would call me and tell me he doesn't know how he feels and he wants space. I have given him space twice before in this year, he came back to me and told me that he wants to be with me, that he loves me and now again he wants space. AGAIN!!He has told his parents, my parents, my sister, his friends, everyone, about a month or two ago, that he has made up his mind and he wants me. He told me he wants me to mother his kids and to start building together. Now he's telling me that he still doesn't know what he wants. I am so lost, I don't know what to do. I love him dearly, and I do believe he loves me to. We are always together. People always say we are like a married couple. He comes to my house every night,(I live with my parents) without being asked. He calls me when he gets home and calls me back before he goes to bed. And yet still he doesn't know or doesn't love me.If he thinks he is confused I am beyond confused. Every time he acts like this his ex-girlfriend does something, like she has attacked me before, she has also come to my workplace with a keychain of the two of them, she has called me and cussed me out. This happens whenever, me and him gets really close.Now I'm noticing that sex is totally on the decline or nonexistant, we do not live together. Whenever we go to a hotel to spend the night or so, he gets sick,to the point of throwing up. And that just kills the mood. I don't know what to do. I really love him, and I believe he loves me to, but I think this ex has some hold on him tell me someone,what do you think. I feel like this is crazy!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (29 July 2009):
 I hope things turn out for you. If you feel the need for more input, please feel free to post an update, or start with a fresh question so more aunts can respond then.
Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be honest Trisha, It didn't matter to me about the lack of girlfriends my age. I just didn't think that they were along the same paths as I was, and if they were, they were single. So I became really settled, even before him with my older girlfriends.
He has his friends, i really don't mind them, they are really there for him and he them, he's a good man.
I just need to get things on track for me again. Since he dropped off the ring earlier, he hasn't called. I'm so scared he'll never call. And to be honest, even though I was yelling at him when he called. The attention, made me feel ...... good. (for the lack of a better word)
Made me feel like I was in control.
I'll see what tommorrow, holds.
Thanks listening.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 July 2009):
You're not bothering me. I choose to be here and answer questions. It's funny, you made me smile about the girlfriends/intruding comment: I'm on the uncomfortably close to 50 side of 40. So at least I have that in common with your girlfriends.
So you have kind of drifted apart from your friends (of your age, your peers) because of the relationship with him? That tells me you spent a lot of time together and you relied on him for a lot of your companionship needs. Do you miss having girlfriends you can just hang out with?
I know, life changes as you get older and into a serious relationship, it's harder to just "hang" with someone when you're juggling job, boyfriend, family--life suddenly gets very scheduled.
Maybe this is part of the pressure the relationship has been under for him? It's difficult to be somebody's everything. In fact, I think it's a lot of responsibility and can be suffocating. What do you think about that observation of mine?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again Tisha
The problem is I don't have any girlfriends that I can really go by and just hang. That happens when you think you have found your soulmate.
He had a ring that I couldn't find, my sister gave it to him apparently so that he could get a size.
My mother told my sister to call him today, and ask him to bring it back. He gave it to me this evening when he came to pick up some stuff, that he had here.
Man i feel so sad right now, I feel as if, its all done.
Sorry if I keep bothering you, I really don't have female friends that I could just chill with, well at least my age. All my female friends are in their 40's - 50's and I don't wanna intrude on their life.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 July 2009):
Thank you for the follow up! That helps get a clearer picture.
First of all, don't make any decisions in the heat of anger--it may feel good to DO something, anything, but hold off until you are feeling calmer and think logically. For me, that's in the morning after I've had some coffee and some time to think without being stressed.
You're giving him space now, just tell him that and that you are frustrated and hurt and angered by this and just need some time to THINK.
Tell him that small talk is not what you want to have with him right now, and that it just makes you angry. If he says "but what did I do?" just tell him that you are feeling unsettled and unhappy by the rollercoaster of emotions and that he seems to be the operator of that rollercoaster. He can't be THAT thick, can he? And yes, you can ask him that question too.
Right now, there are no decisions that HAVE to be taken right at this moment. You can work things through and plan to make a decision next week. What's the rush? You're on a break, right? Isn't that what space means? So simmer down, nothing's irreversible right now, just call your girlfriends and go see them for an evening. Don't bring your phone with you, or turn it off, and just disconnect from thinking about HIM all the time. Does one of your girlfriends have a new baby? Go visit and hang out with the baby, maybe offer to babysit. Go visit an older relative you haven't seen in a while. Just get out there, out of your parent's house and get yourself with people who care about you and want to see you happy. You don't have to tell them anything other than, "oh, we're just taking a little break right now. I think it's for the best." and leave it at that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Tisha i'll really try to do as you say, but its real hard.
I have not been pushing marriage, I think he has been talking about it alot more that I have been.
I'm 25 and he's 27.
He only gets nauseaous whenever we are at a hotel or so, never anywhere else.
He has been really trying to start small talk with me now, but i am so lividly pissed off at him, I just keep yelling, he doesn't come to see me, but he calls. And he keeps asking "What did I do?" Ooohhhhh that question infuriates me!
I think I am really afraid of the unknown, what happens without him. We have always been so close. My mother says he's crazy, and his parents says thats he's confused. I am confused to, what about me and my feelings? I am so angry.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 July 2009):
I agree, it IS crazy. He gets ill to the point of vomiting if you two are going to be intimate? He withdraws from you emotionally every two months? Oh, boy, I wish there was some magical way to make this all right, but I simply do not know of any.
He sounds as though he does have deep commitment issues. At a certain point, though, you're going to have to be the one who takes control of the situation, and get your own life back.
One thing I want to underline for you here, so you start to think about this in a different way. It's not his ex who has a hold on him. No, that's not the right way to put it. It is HE who has something for his ex still. He has chosen to allow her to affect him and has chosen to make your life this uncertain rollercoaster.
He sounds terrified of commitment, I'll give him that, and perhaps that is leading to his nausea when you two have some time alone for making love.
If you were my girlfriend, or my sister, this is the advice I'd be giving you. Stop letting him determine things here. YOU take control back, you've essentially let him know that you are willing to wait for him to get his head straight. Girlfriend, you need to let him know that if he wants space, he has it, because you are not going to wait around any longer. You are done with that, D-O-N-E. You free him of his obligation(s), if any, to you, and you are both free to date whom you please.
He is not going to be happy with this new arrangement because he is so used to having you always there. How long have you been together? Two years?
You're young still, in your early 20s. You don't have to settle for this treatment, just because he loves you. He can love you from a distance too, and let you be happy with someone who IS capable of making up his own mind.
A question for you, have you been pushing him for marriage? Is that why he's going ring shopping? Or is this his idea? If it has been your idea, well, you can see plainly that he simply is not ready. If it is his idea, well, he just doesn't know what he wants.
Sometimes a little absence focuses the mind brilliantly. I'd give him that space, in fact, I'd make it official that you are not a couple and YOU are on the market and available for decent, long-term relationship.
What will this do? Well, it should shake him to his core and he'll have to decide if you are IT or not. He's had 2 years to decide; how old is he? It may be that he won't be able to commit then either, but then you won't have wasted a bunch of years waiting for him to make his mind up. You'll have more time to another wonderful man who is willing to make that leap of faith into commitment.
Getting back to the sex thing, the nausea. Um, that's very worrying for me. He's so anxious about this that he is literally making himself ill. This is not normal reaction, especially if you have been intimate in the past. There's something going on inside his head that isn't healthy. Is there any chance he has contracted an STI and doesn't want to tell you, so much so that he physically gets ill? And then has an excuse not to have sex with you?
I know, I'm speculating, probably thinking of things that simply aren't true. But you need to face the truth of this too, if you are so unhappy with the situation.
Give him all that space and then some more, so YOU can get your own mind straight and not feel confused. Don't worry about what's going on in his head, let him worry about that. Focus on your needs, your goals, what YOU want for the future. Then assess, with clear eye and a calm and rational demeanor, how he would fit into that life.
Hope this helps, and good luck.
PS I had to give my guy an ultimatum too. It worked. We've been married almost 15 years. I used: A Fine Romance, by Judith Sills PhD to help coach me through the rough patches.
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