A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am in a very complicated situation and would like some advice.My boyfriend and I are both 20 years old and we have been dating for over a year, starting around winter 2008. When we first got together he was always there for me. He didn't care that my ex-boyfriend was still harassing me for the first month or so that he found out I was dating him, and he helped me through that situation and was always there for me emotionally through anything I would talk to him about. We grew so close so fast, and when he told me he loved me after about a month I gladly returned the statement.Well about 3-4 months after we started dating, he was supposed to come over one night on the weekend as usual, but instead he disappeared for 2 days. He wasn't answering the phone or anything, and I was horribly worried so on the second day I went to his house only to find him sleeping and I discovered that he had just been ignoring me to hang out with other people. I was shocked. I was also obviously feeling very betrayed and I almost broke up with him, but he clung to me and apologized profusely saying he didn't know what came over him.Being madly in love, I forgave him, and everything was fine until a couple of months later during the summer of 2008, around the time of his birthday. We fought a lot about random things. Slowly, he would stop returning my calls and make up excuses for why he didn't answer or couldn't see me, such as "my family wants me home more" or "I'm sorry I just fell asleep." He made several more disappearing acts.At the time I never EVER suspected that he was cheating on me because when we were together, he always acted the same, and we were so in love and he proudly showed me off to everyone he knew. I always thought that he was sneaking to smoke weed because he knew I was against it - and I found out that he was smoking - so I figured that was the reason he was always trying to ditch me.I confronted him multiple times about the drugs and then he seemingly went back to normal, around me all the time and not smoking anymore. I really thought he had changed and was very very happy.A few months ago he moved in with me and I have seen him every day and I know that there is no way he is doing anything weird behind my back --- But here's where it gets complicated.About a month ago, I needed to use his email address to order something online. I found emails sent by him spanning from August-November (the months prior to us moving in together) to other women, the majority from Craigslist and random sex sites. He would ask to take them out on dates and pretty much pamper them and then have sex with them.I confronted him about that and at first he denied that it was him, but I called out the lie because a number of the emails were signed with his name and phone number.He finally admitted to it after weeks of fighting, but swears that he just did it because he "got sick of me back then" when the relationship was bad and we were fighting a lot. He also swears that he never actually followed up on any of the emails, regrets it, and didn't tell me about it because he is in love with me now and didn't want to hurt my feelings by bringing it up....but something inside of me doesn't trust that 100%...I am so hurt right now. I don't even feel the same way about him. If he strayed before, I don't know what would stop him from doing it again. Things are just crazy now because we live together and I can see everything he does, but I am haunted of thoughts of before we were living together and him possibly cheating on me, and him doing it again whenever we're separated.I will note that since we HAVE been living together, he has been acting amazingly nice and even though I pay the large majority of expenses myself, he does chores and helps out as much as he can and is always there for me emotionally and physically as if he were in love with me from the beginning of the relationship.I am just so confused because now I have the feeling that he is just two-faced... but I can't break up with him because then I think... well maybe he really did change? Please help me.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (15 May 2009):
Well this has to be your choice.
You either: Forgive, and give him a chance and let this whole thing go.
Or: You realise you can't forgive and that means that no matter how nice he is now, the trust is gone and it has to end.
If you want to give him a chance you have to try and forget about this but if you get a SNIFF of the fact he is doing ANYTHING bad again then you kick him out on his arse so fast he doesn't even realise it till he's asleep on his friend's sofa.
Good Luck!! xx
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