A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi,my partner and I have been together 6 years, he is 29 I am 24, we live together.About 3 months my boyfriend started using a couple of dating sites to make friends. this was ok with me because he was totally open about it all and he made it clear on his profiles he was not single and just wanting to make friends.Now the problem is, lately I have noticed he has been spending huge amount of time on one of the sites and I hvae noticed some pretty big messages being sent back and forth between him and some girl.Now I started to keep an eye on how often he would visit this site during the day while I was at work.the strange thing was this morning I noticed a new profile that was added to the site, I started reading it and I was shocked, I believe it is my boyfriend but using another profile and name on the same site but in this new profile it has him as being single and it does not show a picture and the way things are worded in the profile sound almost the same as what is on his first original profile on that site.the age, star sign, appearance decription is the same.the problem is I don't know how to ask him if its him or not, I have a feeling if it is he is just going to lie.I don't know if I am being paranoid or if I should trust my gut. the problem is a month or so ago I asked him if he had been having cyber sex on these sites and he said no but then he got mad at me for second guessing him.I just don't want to be wrong but the profiles and the way the new profile is written is so similar.and the strange thing is on the new profile it states he is single but not looking for a partner yet it has details about what he would do with a person on a date. :(I just want to confront him and know the truth, but I dont want to ruin our relationship.whats the best way to ask him about this and get the truth?please help I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe does have a physical disability but his not in like a wheel chair or anything, I honestly do feel he would have trouble holding down a full time job, but I think if he was to get some casual work maybe doing some office work would be ideal.
The biggest problem for him is that the meds he has to take have a lot of bad side effect, sleeping problems,breathing problems,eatting problems.
His doctors told him he needs to rest, take meds and work on rehabilitation (which he stop doing over 6 months ago).
he has trouble doing even simple things like mowing the lawn or taking the dog for a short walk.
I do have family nerby but I would never move in or stay with them, mostly because I honestly don't think they like me, in the last 4 years that I have lived in my new house about 95% of my family has not bothered to visit me.
The only couple of family members who have I dont want to stay with because they baby me and smother me making it almost Impossible to live any type of independent life.
THe only friends he had before he stop drinking was the drinking buddies, they all sat around and got drunk everyday, once he stop drinking he worked out he really didn't have anything in common with them.
I have had a couple of my own friends over the 6 years but none of the friendships lasted, one of them even told me she didn;t like visiting because she felt uncomfortable being around my boyfriend because he was always flirting with her:(
Another friend she was also good friends with my boyfriend(they knew each other before he meet me) I become good friends with her also, she then informed me that of some Inappropriate behaviour he was doing on a trip he went on, after that he didnt want me or him talking to her again.
we live in a rural town so there is not a huge amount of places he can go to but about a year ago he was helping at a community center once a week with some computer work, but he ended up stopping that because he getting stressed out from it. he does have a couple of hobbies, but none that require huge amounts of phyiscal work and they are really only a one person hobby.
About a year ago I was attended out of work hours study, but after 6months I had to stop doing it because I didn;t have enough money to continue :(
If my boyfriend didn't have me I would guess he would be living out of his car until he got a job.
I stay in the relationship because I love and care for him and I want things to work. but if I ever get 100% proof he is protending to be single on dating sites to meet women I will leave in a heart beat, but I feel I can;t leave or question him if I don;t have the evidence to back it.
And it seems I will never know the truth, you see I know he is capable of acting like everything is great and happy between us but then behind my back telling others a different story just so he can try and get sympathy from people and get romatically involved with them, I know this because he tried to organise sex with a women about 4 years ago through a dating site.
The reason I know this is beause that women was a friend of mine at the time, she informed me of everything, I confronted him, we broke up for a couple of weeks but we talked and got back together, then for the last 3 years things had been great and then the dating site's started to happen again.
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (5 January 2010):
 Sounds to me like there is a lot of depression going on in your lives right now.
You are both still relatively young and the life you describe is one that is not right for you both.
There needs to be some radical changes as you cannot be your bf's carer for the rest of your life and unfortunately that is what you have turned into.
You say he has a disability, is it a physical disability? What is he capable of doing? Can you walk, talk presumably? If he can operate a computer at home then he could do that elsewhere to.
When someone is out of work even for a few months and they have been used to going out and socialising and then they find themselves stuck indoors with nothing to do, the motivation goes and the fact that your bf has been sitting indoors for the last 3 years by the sounds of things then he is bound to be pretty depressed.
Unfortunately this is only dragging you down as well and unless one of you makes something change, you could live the rest of your lives in this monotanous cycle.
Do you have any family nearby at all?
You say you have NO friend's at all, it seems to me like both of you have relied upon one another and that is great but there comes a time when both of you need to have your own space and your own friend's. Well his drinking buddies certainly showed their true colours, but there must be others similar to your bf who are actually more active than him.
Surely there is some sort of centre he could attend which would get him out of the house and maybe help him to socialise and also maybe encourage him to help others less fortunate than himself, maybe children etc who are finding it hard to cope with their disability.
It makes me wonder if he has truly accepted his disability or not as the fact that he is hiding away at home and hardly ever getting out at all, the world does not have to see him and he does not have to see the world.
Maybe you could look into some sort of night class to start with even if it is just as a hobby of some sort, once a week.
If your bf didn't have you, how would he survive financially, I am sure he would be entitled to funds from some where?
If your relationship isn't working, there will come a time which sounds like now actually that there is a huge divide between you and in normal situations couples who are going through that stage either get help through counselling or they split up. I think you stay out of guilt and could never see yourself leaving him on his own?
There will come a time for an ultimatum but I think your bf does not think you are serious when you say something as he has dismissed it before and you have never stood your ground with him. It will be hard but I think you need to do it for your own sanity and to help push him in a direction he has probably been trying to avoid.
Sounds to me like the picture of the girl's boobs is some sort of release for him, whatever way it is being used. He may find that masturbation is an easier option rather than sex.
Wait to hear from you OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
P.S. There is a way through this but it may mean you have to make some difficult decisions to actually put yourself first for a change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your response Country Woman :)
he started using this site because he said he has no life, you see he has a disability and it makes it hard for him to go out and about like he use to.
Not only that but 3 years ago he stop drinking he was a alcoholic, when he gave up the bottle he learnt all his so called friends (drinking buddies) were not really his friends.
He had become depressed and lonly, I felt bad for him, I go to work all day and he stays home alone.
sadly his computer usage has not change because he always used the computer a lot even before being on that site.
I think you are right and I do believe he's hiding his true feelings.
Our sex life is almost dead, ever since he stop drinking and started taking meds for his disabilty he sex drive totally died, and when ever we have any type of sexual contact I am always the one who has to Initiate first.
he has only initiated sex once in the last 12 months :(
I have a very high sex drive, and feel totally rejected and ugly because he does not initiate anything.
the relationship itself has good and bad days, he says I am not good at communcating, I had taken that on board to try and improve on, but I honestly don;t believe his the best communuicator either.
he never seems to want to do anything with me, its like I always have to ask him if he wants to do stuff with me yet he never askes or suggest things for us to do.
I have talked to him about this and he just says he has no life and does not have any favorite things to do, but I believe this is just a lie, I think he does have things he likes to do he just does not want to do them with me.
we don't have children, the only time we spend with each other is when I get home from work and eat and then bed.
on weekends, we spend maybe a couple of hours together on a sunday, sometimes more depending on what we are doing and what we have plan.
with asking a friend to make contact with the other profile won;t work because I don't have any friends at all.
this is why I am here asking for advice on what to do because I am totally alone.
he won't go to counciling, when I bring up my feelings or worries about our relationship I get told I am being silly or to get over it.
I am tired and I feel like I have no choice but to just sit and wait to see what happens because talking to him does nothing but making his stressed and mad at me.
I am very depressed myself, I work all day in a dead end job, this is not what I want to do, I want to leave my job and study, but I can't if I do that then their would be no income coming in which means we would have to move, he gets very little money to help with his disability so we can;t live off what he gets. but he has never asked me what I want to do with my life, even when I have expressed that I want to study even and I have told him I have no life. its like he does not care.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (4 January 2010):
Sweetheart your gut instinct is rarely wrong I'm afraid.
When someone goes onto a dating site they are trying to normally spice up their lives as they feel something is missing and they want to meet someone new.
I am afraid to say that even though your bf showed you everything originally I would be questioning why he wanted to be on the site in the first place. Meeting new friend's is pretty lame in my opinion.
I think he is being gutless and not telling you that he feels there are problems in your own relationship. Why all the secrecy otherwise.
The fact that he is getting mad with you when you confronted him about cyber sex, means he is trying to shift blame onto you and that just isn't fair.
When someone spends more time on a computer than doing the normal everyday things we tend to do then they are using it as some sort of escapism and why is it he is only active when you are not around.
You could play detective and ask someone else you trust to contact the new profile person to find out a little more so you have some proof. The fact that you have been together for 6 years and he is now doing this tells me that things are not as rosey as he is making out.
How is your own sex life and relationship in general?
Do you spend good times together? Do you have any children at all?
If you think there are problems, maybe suggest some sort of counselling and see if he is up for it? Something like couple counselling. If he refuses then he is not prepared to work at your relationship and that should tell you something, if on the other hand he is then maybe you might find out the truth by the fact that you have an impartial person to off load to.
If you do decide to go down the route of the friend helping you out and maybe arranging a meeting, you could just wait in the wings out of site to see if he would actually meet up with someone. That is the only true way you may reach the truth.
Sorry if this is stuff you don't want to hear but I think you need to be able to prepare yourself for the worst and if you are proved wrong then that is only a blessing in my book but when someone gets confrontational it normally means they have something to hide.
Don't blame yourself in all of this, it seems as though he is moving the goalposts and it is time for you to get to the truth as it is your life as well that he is playing with and whilst he has the best of both world's, i.e. he has his little woman at home but also some cyber females, he is getting his cake and eating it to. Don't be a doormat for anyone but try and find out some facts first so you are not considered the fool in all of this.
Keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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