A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are in our early/mid thirties and have been in a long distance relationship for 18 months. I have nagging doubts that something is amiss. The first time was 7 months ago when I spent ages waiting for him whilst he went to buy things in a shop. I found him speaking on his mobile but when he saw me he shot out of view like I had caught him doing something he shouldn't. I asked him about it and he said he was checking with his mate that he was buying the right things. I wondered if my boyfriend thought I was going to start ranting at him like his domineering mother for taking so long. Then the other week he walked into his room looking at his mobile not realising that I was in his room and again he shot out of the room really fast. We have not had sex, coincidentally since the first incident, mainly due to both of us having sexual problems and I can't decide if he is the world's most patient man on the lack of sex and therefore loves me very much or if he is cheating on me. I found out that he had been out a few Fridays ago which I would never have known about had his mother not mentioned it. When I asked him who he avoided my question. He normally tells me all of this without me having to ask. Last weekend I invited him over for a Valentine's meal for tomorrow and asked him what food he would like and he has never replied! It's been a week now and he hasn't even called to see how I am. I am convinced he is cheating on me and hasn't committed to spending Valentine's Day with me because he is spending it with someone else. I have no concrete evidence of an affair therefore can't confront him with that. What shall I say to him?I don't know if I am being paranoid or naive. Do you think he is cheating? What other reasons could there be for his behaviour?
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male
reader, Tomas  +, writes (14 February 2009):
It sounds like you are not getting what you need emotionally from this relationship. LDRs are hard, and your time together needs to be very fulfilling and open, in order to make up for the pain that usually fills the time apart.
Regardless of whether he is cheating, or wandering, or just aloof (there is probably no way to know for sure), I'd suggest you focus on whether you are happy with things as they are.
If you are not, then your options are to bring this to his attention, saying (for example) that you aren't getting what you need from this relationship and something really needs to change for you to believe it is worth taking further, or simply that you aren't getting what you need and you are going to let yourself be open to other relationships that might give you what you need (and suggest he do the same). In either case, he has an opportunity to step up and challenge you or express his shock and dismay - if he is really clueless about how this makes you feel - or take that as an opportunity to make an exit if he wants.
The key point is, ultimately it doesn't matter whether he is cheating or not. If you are feeling taken for granted or that you can't trust him, something needs to change. You can tell him that without having to deal with his defensiveness over possible cheating.
Even if he says "you can trust me", your answer sounds like "but I don't, and that's a problem, because I don't want to be in a relationship where I don't trust my partner." If he really wants you, and wants to make the relationship work, the onus is on him to help you deal with these issues, which it sounds like he is not doing.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (13 February 2009):
 long distance is very hard.Most likely your instincts are correct. the thing is even if you confront him, he might not fess up. But it looks like he is slowly trying to end things by creating the distance. the best thing to do now is not call him and harrass him. As hard as it might be make plans with your girlfriends and continue your life.
you can not sit around waiting for his phone call and be be at his beck and call.
When and if he calls back just say you didnt' hear from him and made plans of your own. Say it politely without any anger. He will get the point. Why should you be waiting for him. He should be the one planning and making things happen for Valentines day.
I think you should end it because eventually it looks like that is where it is heading. good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): I think you should trust your instincts they are rarely wrong...there is something up, his avoiding you for a week is a big tip off, and the lack of sex is too....may not be cheating, but there is something wrong with the relationship.
Long distance relationships are very hard I think and I myself would not stop dating men at home, not sleeping with men, but dating other men....this takes your focus off of him and what he is doing because until he proposes marriage you are just really dating each other any way....regardless of the girlfriend title...you know?
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