A
female
age
51-59,
*izzybird
writes:Will try to keep this short. In essence, husband had a three year emotional affair with my next door neighbour (and friend). I found out when I discovered text messages from her on his phone twp days before our baby was due to be born. We are rebuilding our marriage through counselling and also have our house on the market so we can move away from this woman. During the three years, she has made steps to try to break up our marriage - telling my husband that I have told her I'm seeing other men, leaving a rose with a loving note on my doorstep - clearly trying to sow seeds of doubt in his mind. She also went completely mad when she found out I was pregnant - calling me at work and yelling at me for not telling her (I was only six weeks gone at this point). I feel that I have unfinished business - no closure - since I have not told her how dreadful I think her behaviour has been. i do not wish to get into a slanging match with her (she is very aggressive), yet feel i need to tell her that i think her behaviour as a married mother is appalling....any suggestions please?
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female
reader, Dizzybird +, writes (2 February 2008):
Dizzybird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDale, thank you for your eloquent reply. I have read and reread it and it makes so much sense. My husband had ended all contact with this woman in July when I discovered the texts from her. Both of us changed our mobile numbers to sever ties with her, but sadly, for some bizarre reason, my husband contacted her in December to tell her 'we were moving on, I was angry with them, and it had been tough'. He reasons that this was his way of drawing a line underneath the entire episode....sadly it opened the door to her, and I discovered a text from her asking him to meet her. (Didn't think I'd be able to fit this into my condensed summary when I began this thread!!). He didn't respond - partly because I threw his phone from our galleried landing whereupon it smashed into pieces on hitting the limestone floor!! He has since changed his number again, but of course, I worry that he may just contact her again and this is something we are working through in our counselling sessions. Of course, I would have felt much better had he called her, telling her to back off and leave us alone! She is very manipulative - she told him that I had confided in her about our fertility problems because I was unable to talk to him about how sad I was - all untrue, and I have reason to believe she managed to hack into my email account to find details of the fertility treatment we were having which was top secret and very personal. Of course, he was unable to tell me that she had said this as he would have to come clean about seeing her! What a mess!I have written a letter in readiness - as you suggest, it is very gentle, and refers to me being astonished, shocked and disappointed in her, rather than furious, vengeful and desperately hurt. It was fairly good therapy to do this, but hasn't quite hit the mark.Thank you all for your time - I am very grateful and immensely touched that people I do not know can care so much!
A
female
reader, onlinecounsellor_Dale  +, writes (2 February 2008):
 Hi thereI am sorry to hear that you have to work through this current hurt, but commend you on your commitment to your marriage, capacity for forgiveness, and belief in your future.People who are well adjusted and who are able to take personal responsibility for their actions (and its effects) simply do not behave in the way that your neighbour has. What do you hope to achieve by confronting her? If she genuinely regretted and was remorseful for her behaviour, she would have apologised by now. You and your husband are planning a new start, you AND he have presumably ceased all contact with your neighbour, and your house is on the market. Don't you think these things alone send a pretty strong message that you view her behaviour as appalling?You have said yourself; you do not want to get into a slanging match. Therefore, the best closure may simply be to continue what you are doing now i.e. moving on. Disallowing her access to your lives, and working towards a common future while rebuilding the trust, respect and honesty in your marriage may be the best 'revenge'.Finally, if you really feel a need to give her a piece of your mind, perhaps you can have the 'last word' by leaving a letter, with no forwarding address, behind when you move? If you do take this option, I'd encourage you not to be abusive as there's nothing to be gained by this, and your message will be lost. Stick to the facts (e.g., her betrayal of your friendship) and your reaction to them.I hope this helps. Best of luck with it all and, remember, look towards the future rather than back to the past as much as you can in this situation!Dale
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A
female
reader, Dizzybird +, writes (2 February 2008):
Dizzybird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the lady who had been bullied. Thank you for your reply. I guess leaving it shows who is the better person. I had always believed she was jealous of me before I found out about her and my husband and had always described her as predatory. As far as what happened physically, she and my husband kissed once which I am finding difficulty dealing with. From our counselling, I realise my husband was in a 'bad place' - we were struggling to have a baby, and whilst i don't excuse his behaviour, I sort of understand it. I have urges to tell her husband, but feel it isn't my place to interfere in someone else's marriage (unlike her). I have worried about seeing her again, and had planned to behave in exactly the way you described. Thank you for your time - much appreciated!
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A
female
reader, Dizzybird +, writes (2 February 2008):
Dizzybird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the prompt reply - wow! I see what you say - I find it very hard because she pretended to be my friend - we fed one another's cats when we went on holiday, I bought her children birthday and Christmas presents and so on. I almost feel violated that she has been in my house whilst seeing my husband...Whilst I know deep down that I am the better person - she sent some very aggressive texts to me when I found out saying there was more I needed to know and things should be out in the open seeing as we live next door to one another - to which I didn't reply, I still feel that I have 'unfinished business'.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): Hi. I think it is your husbands duty to publicly tell her to stop harrassing the pair of you - and he should do this in front of you so that you demonstrate a re-united front. I am saddened that someone can launch quite a campaign on you to break you two up - women can be predatory as can men it seems so perhaps this is something you have both learnt and will be aware of in the future. I think she was possibly jealous of you both? As nothing physical appears to have happened (?) then you stand a much better chance of moving on as a couple and hopefully strengthened by overcoming this threat... and I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by moving away. Why have the reminders or give her the opportunities. Hopefully your husband will also change his mobile phone number to ensure absolutely no further contact can be made by her. It is often far more satisfying to move on (or rise above it) gracefully and without lowering yourself to her level and I would consider this carefully. I was bullied at school and, due to family ties, was forced to face this nasty girl every day. Years later (at my sisters wedding) she appeared at the reception and came over to talk to me and some of my friends as if the past had never happened. I stood there and just looked at her straight in the face. My eyes and facial expression said it all she stopped talking hopped awkwardly from foot to foot and we both knew precisely why I was looking at her in that way and would never forgive her and that it was HER that had to live with what she had done. I just turned my back on her and in one complete go I have never felt the same hurt from it all again. Revenge can be silent and dignified and totally satisfying. You have a lovely baby / child and your futures to look forward to in a brand new home. She has a bitter and twisted mind and is clearly jealous. I know who I'd rather be.
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A
female
reader, Dizzybird +, writes (2 February 2008):
Dizzybird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the prompt reply - wow! I see what you say - I find it very hard because she pretended to be my friend - we fed one another's cats when we went on holiday, I bought her children birthday and Christmas presents and so on. I almost feel violated that she has been in my house whilst seeing my husband...Whilst I know deep down that I am the better person - she sent some very aggressive texts to me when I found out saying there was more I needed to know and things should be out in the open seeing as we live next door to one another - to which I didn't reply, I still feel that I have 'unfinished business'.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (2 February 2008):
 You're doing what you need to do. There's no need to tell her, because chances are it wouldn't change anything. If I went up to you and began yelling at you in public. I would automatically feel bad and embarassed because I know that behavior was inappropriate for that place and situation. Some people who display poor behavior don't see anything wrong with the way they acted, and really don't care how their behavior affects others. With her calling you at work seems as she's one that doesn't view her behavior as something that's out of the norm. I'd just stay away from her. If she continues at all, see if you can have a protection order issued.
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