A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I have been engaged for 3 years.The other day, for some reason, I asked him, Are you still looking? Looking as in keeping his options open for another girl. He checks out other women all the time when we go out and I think that is why I asked him that question.His response was no, that he has me a wonderful girl in bed that never did things like I do to him.He tells me I am great in bed.--I've been in a prior relationship where I was graded on my performance from an A to an F. He was a sick individual and I broke up with him.I never turn my fiance down for sex.I guess I was startled by the response because I was expecting to hear that I am so glad to have you in my life, that you make me complete. Those types of responses.He has also said Aren't you glad that I chose you to grow old with.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): Hmmmm...OP I do "not" think this is a stupid question and questions on this site should not be labeled as such from any posters. Calling a question stupid is not helping the OP.
My take on this question is that I bet your fiance is a looker or ogler and I bet he does it a lot and even though you are engaged and have been for some time you get insecure when he looks at other women and hence why you asked him that question. There is a "reason" you asked him, so it goes much deeper than what you have told us.
Maybe by his olging others that is sending you a signal that he is "truly" looking in case it doesn't work out between the two you and he has a back up plan of some sort.
Some of my girlfriends have known of guys that dated girls and kept a contact list of their girlfriends of who was single in case the relationship did not work out and they could move on. I call it culling. It's not nice, but the guy is keeping a watch on his other options.
I do not think you were twisting it around. Something else is going on here.
You never turn him down for sex? There may be a time or times that you do. Then what will happen? How would he react? Life has a way of intervening.
As far as him telling you that you should be glad that he "chose" you to grow old with...well that is being narcissistic. He should have worded it that he is happy and that it is his hope that the both of you will grow old together.
As far as the length of your engagement, a lot of women take their time if this is your second time around. I've known women that have been engaged for 10 years and some even longer. So don't feel bad about that. The women I know who have been engaged for several years are just being more cautious and were previously burned in their other relationship when they were married.
So, yes, do take your time OP. Don't rush to the altar if you don't feel ready yet. You'll know when you are.
I do think you need to work on not being so insecure but his ogling is probably feeding into that and your insecurity (if you didn't have it before) manifested from his behavior.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): Look you saw him looking at other women and that's when you asked him if he is "still looking ". So you brought up the sexual context first. Because you asked him in a veiled way if he was sexually interested in other women. So of course his response will focus on your sexual prowess. He complimented you in the way you asked him to. So what are you complaining about?
He looks at other attractive women and is thinking about sex. And tells you that you're all he needs in that department. What's wrong with this?? Why would he talk about how you complete him etc etc when that wasn't the question you actually had posed to him??
If you were looking for reassurance that he is emotionally connected to you why didn't you ask him more specifically? In other words, you were looking for a very specific answer so you should have asked a specific question. He cannot read your mind to know what angle you're coming from when you asked him that vague question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): Sorry, forgot to delete that last line.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): What stupid question, no offence OP but it is. Why do you women insist on asking questions to trap us into giving you some kind of compliment then get pissed at us if it isn't the exact compliment you wanted?
"Am I fat?" "Is she prettier than me?" "Does my arse look big in this?" and my personal favourite "What are you thinking about?"
You know after feeling the wrath of a woman the first few times getting those wrong and having her question my love for her it got old. So I played it smart and learned all the generic responses. "No you're not fat." "Of course not, you're the prettiest of the all" "no it doesn't look fat in that." "I'm thinking about you baby and how great you are, how lucky I am blah, blah."
Then that got old too because believe or not they were able to find flaws in those answers too "you're only saying that, you didn't even look, take me seriously"
So then I decided to be a smart ass. "Ah now baby I like my women big, beefy with nice wobbly flab." "Shush; hot girl 12 o'clock/sorry what? just checking out the far more amazing hot girl there." "Holy shit yeah it does look huge, I can hear my own echo, hello, hello, hello" "Nothing much, just thinking about how much wobble your mothers arse would have if I smacked it and whether her vaj is much looser than yours"
The first time my current girlfriend heard those responses she laughed for about 20 minutes and asked if she was going to get answers like for any loaded compliment fishing question she asked and I said yeah. So now she just asks me to tell her what she means to me if I haven't that day or she just wants to hear it again, tells me she's not feeling great and asks me to cheer her up, or best of all tells me directly she's having a 'fat day' or moment of insecurity.
In other words OP she's very direct when something bothering her or she wants something from me, she doesn't pose a question designed to get only one answer just so she can be pissed at me for not getting it right. If my gaze got locked on some woman when we were out together she wouldn't turn around and say something as passive/aggressive and vitriolic as "are you still looking/on the market" etc. She'd just grab my arse or smack me in the belly and tell me to snap out of it. If me looking at another woman was bothering her the way it bothers you she'd say it, she'd call me out on it and tell me how it feels to see me do it and I'd definitely do something about it.
But I've learned over the years never to respond to such things as you asked him in the way you did the way you expect, we cannot win those. You only asked it because you were pissed off and you asked it because you wanted him to get it wrong so you could have something to be even more pissed off at. Well there you go OP, you got what you wanted. Instead of straight up telling him it bothered you, you asked a loaded question and then read to insane depths into his response that you now even bring up an asshole ex into the equation and compare him. 3 years OP, after 3 years you still play the teenagers "pay me attention" game and question his love for you.
That's what girls do when they ask that kind of question, it's a trap set to get some reassurance, designed to give you license to be pissed off at us for nothing.
You see he did actually compliment you, he said nice things but you decide to twist them so you can pissed at him.
If you have a problem say it, if you want a compliment say it, if you want him to stop looking at other women so blatantly in front of you say it, if this relationship is moving too slow for you say it. But a guy does not stay with any woman for 3 years, let alone want to marry her simply because the sex is great.
My point is OP if
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female
reader, Jellybean1726 +, writes (26 November 2012):
If your questioning it then it's probably not the answer you wanna hear. I believe you know in your head the right answer you just dont wanna believe it with your heart because you do care about him & have been together for a long time. But from experience you will know when it's the right person you won't have to guess. Hope everything works out for you and you find your path!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 November 2012):
 you are "engaged" for three years and yet you asked him the other day if he was still looking. doesn't sound like much of an engagement to me.
My husband checks out other women when we go out... He'll even comment on young pretty things... and I just smile.... as I've said to my kids (not his kids and grown up) "he's not dead, only married, and he can LOOK all he wants"
Are you saying that he told you the only reason he's "engaged" to you is because you are good in bed? Or are you assuming that because he commented on your bedroom skills only?
As for "aren't you glad that I chose you to grow old with?" comment... tell him till he marries you that his choice is not clear.
BREAK the "engagement" personally I don't agree with long engagements especially after age 30... it's silly. you want to be married... get married.
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