A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for 20+ years with my boyfriend. He is my best friend as well. It is positive in many ways, and that has been a strong glue for keeping us together. We laugh, talk, finish each others sentences. Time flies. We just click on so many levels.The problem is that although I am a very independent person, I would like to be married. We live in one state, and his parents live halfway across the country. His mother, a very dominant figure, has always been very nice to me, and I like her. She is very protective of her sons. My boyfriend's other brothers are married, but she does not like their wives. She basically thinks none of them are good enough for her sons. (Really, I can say that at times I have felt the same about some of the spouses my siblings have married, but I would never act on it or say it - I respect these choices are my brothers and sisters to make and accordingly treat the spouses as family. My boyfriend does not want to antagonize his family (read mother), so he does not want to get married. He wants us to stay just as we are. This has really not been a big issue, since she lives so far away, and we go about our lives without much interference.The dealbreaker for me is that recently his parents' health has declined seriously while he was there for a vacation earlier this year. The situation was severe enough that he stayed with them for months. I would not have minded, but I was not allowed to even come out to VISIT - even after offering to stay in a hotel - because it would upset his mother. I feel very conflicted by this, because she has always been very nice to me in person. His father confirms that the mother feels this way and does not agree.My feeling is that it is as much my boyfriend's choice as anything, as the other two brothers married their wives and simply put up with the negative reaction from his mother. I believe he should have done the same with me, but he chose not to.Part of me believes it was too much of a break/rejection, and that he made a choice not to step up to the plate/go to bat for me. The other part knows that I will be giving up a really great guy that I enjoy and love.Do I break up or not?
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (26 October 2009):
 Well personally sweetheart I was in a very similar situation for almost 20 years as well. The only difference being that it was my now ex who was against marriage and the fact that his parents had divorced that meant he had this very jaded opinion on marriage as a whole.
We lived as husband and wife and even had a child together but we never tied the knot even though we came close to it after our daughter was born, however our relationship did not last and I am glad in a lot of ways that we not married as I think it would have been a lot messier when it came to us parting. We owned a home together so paperwork in relation to that was very much straight down the middle but he never really liked the fact that our daughter has my surname and not his. At the time it was more about the fact that I was the one going to the school a lot and wanted my daughter to have my surname we weren't married so reluctantly at the time he took the advice of the registrar and said well if you do decide to marry you can always change her surname. She was registered on the register as his daughter and him being her father. My father was also alive at the time and I know it would have killed him if she had carried her daddy's surname and not mine.
However, I think the fact that your bf's mother is extremely controlling and NEVER liking her son's choices means that she pulls a lot of his strings for him. He doesn't want to upset the apple cart.
I do think however, that he is going one step too far to keep you away when his parents were ill as they could have seen you in a very caring way and supporting their son through a very difficult time. Who was actually ill, his mother or father?
If there has been ill health and they are getting older all the time then don't push the marriage thing right now, I don't see the point. I know it is something you would like to happen but if you are happy as you are then why change that. You could point out though the legal reasons why marriage would be better at some point but I wouldn't harp on about it as that only tends to send a man in the opposite direction, especially if mummy is as controlling as you say. The other brothers seem to not be as easily influenced as your partner, maybe he is the favourite or baby of the family and by seeing him married this means that mummy is no longer the most important woman in his life.
I think this has more to do with her own insecurities than anything else. Maybe he is waiting until she is no longer around as then he can't upset her anymore. However, who knows if he will definitely change his mind later on.
At the end of the day, could you see your life without him or not? Do you think you would be happier living alone and not being with him? If the answer to either one of these questions is yes then you really do need to think about what it is in life that you are searching for. If on the other hand, the answer to those questions is NO, then you have your answer and you should enjoy your life together, no matter what anyone else says.
In future, you don't have to ask his permission to be supportive and if his father doesn't have a problem with you being there to support him when his parents are ill, then just do it, don't ask for his permission. If you are not asking to stay in the family home and you are only going for a while to help out then do it and face the consequences as and when they may or may not arise. If you always ask first then he may think he doesn't want to put you out or maybe he just thinks his mother has the final say. Well sweetheart if she is the one who is ill, then she really can't fight can she and she may even see you as a blessing in disguise as you could be helping to feed her men when she is not around and do the day to day chores like washing, ironing and pushing a hoover around whilst they are doing the nursing or you could help on that score to.
Men sometimes think they are invincible but we know that is not always the case and us women sometimes read too much into a situation without just taking the bull by the horns and getting on with life.
We have ONE life and constantly living in fear of the WHAT IF's is ridiculous. Life is for experiencing everything it has to offer and whether a piece of paper or not is the thing that stops you from enjoying it then you really do need to ask if it is the commitment or the man at the end of the day that matters most.
You can't hug a piece of paper but a man's loving hug and kiss can make you feel so alive.
We can be blessed by so many things in life i.e. children, family and friend's so by now I think you have been biding your time and you either have to let go or embrace what you have.
We are too long dead.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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