A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, the other night my boyfriend and I broke up after a serious fight. I've had troubles with depression my whole life and sometimes they would affect our relationship, due to my self insecurities, I would sometimes doubt him and our entire relationship, and bring up issues of jealousy such as with his ex-girlfriend and whatnot. The other night he snapped and broke up with me very suddenly and it seemed like he hadn't given it any prior thought. He told me that he had enough of dealing with me and my emotional instabilities, yet he never told me it was affecting him as much as he said it did while it was actually happening. Whenever I would have an "episode" I would always ask his feelings during the time and he would tell me that he was alright, but now he has told me that he wasn't really alright and he didn't realize that he couldn't take as much as he thought. I tried to change his mind about the entire thing extremely hard, but he wouldn't hear a word of it. I had a plan set in my mind to help myself get better (seeing my doctor again about my medication, starting to see a psychologist again etc) which would then lead to our relationship getting better, but he constantly kept telling me that "it's over" and "we're done" or "we're finished" and went far enough to tell me he didn't love me anymore, simply because he said it would be easier on me if he didn't. I was so upset, I was seriously considering ending my life and I told him this, yet he ignored me despite all my pain and cries for help. It got to the point where I had my suicide note written out in complete detail, I wrote down a list of all my passwords to websites for when I was gone, and I was trying to create a noose out of a large bedsheet (but was having difficulty following the instructions, which was probably a good thing). But, I stopped myself because I'm really afraid to die, despite how much I want to leave this place.After I decided not to end my life, I started seeking help from my friends and family which I was lucky enough to receive, and they have been around for me and supporting me as best they could, and are aware of my suicidal intentions. I am so grateful for all the support they've been giving me, and thanks to that I was able to calm down a little bit and sort my feelings out over the matter, so I tried to talk to him again. I told him that I understand we're over now and I'm trying to accept that fact, but at the same time I was trying to help him sort out his own feelings because I think he acted very rashly and impulsively, yet he still wouldn't take in a word I said about any of this and acted very rudely and continued telling me that we're finished etc, because he thought I didn't understand that. So, he ended up ignoring me and we haven't spoken since.I've been handling it as best I can, and I understand that we're over, yet there's still an aching feeling in my chest that I can't get rid of. I've been seeing so many friends and talking to so many people. I'm trying to move on and forget him and have deleted him from my Facebook and tumblr, deleted all the pictures of him and us etc, but there is still a part of me that doesn't want to let go because I believe he acted too impulsively, and I really want him to change his mind and come back, but I'm so angry I don't know if I would take him back. I truly loved him and have no ill thoughts about him for the time we were together, I am only thinking badly of him now because I think he's being selfish and childish by not considering me or anything I have to say. Yet, this is all affecting my life extremely badly and I ended up being sent home from work last night because my workmates knew something was wrong, and I had a crying breakdown.I think, my question is, do you think he will eventually come around and realize what he did was a stupid decision? Or do you really think it's over for good? I noticed that after I removed him from tumblr etc, he went and did the same. It's been 4-5 days since we split, and 2-3 days since we've spoken. I think other stress in his life may have contributed to his sudden decision (exams, finances). Even if he will, any advice on moving on? I'm going out with friends etc, trying to focus on work and not think about it, and I'm accepting that it's over gradually, but any other advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
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female
reader, Battista  +, writes (11 June 2012):
Hey OP
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. But I think you need to stop blaming your boyfriend- he doesn't need any "excuses" about how to deal with depression. I also suspect that having grown up with a depressive mother he might just be exhausted and can't cope any more. It is a big burden to be with someone who suffers from depression (I know this from experience), and I think you are really underestimating how difficult it must have been for him. To call him selfish and childish for not considering your feelings is very unfair. You need to try and appreciate things from his perspective as well. I imagine that after you told him you were considering ending your life he probably realised that he couldn't deal with the responsibility of this kind of episode any longer because that is an enormous burden, as you can imagine. Was it the first time you threatened to end your own life?
You are definitely doing the right thing in seeking therapy, getting your meds checked and seeing friends and family. That is definitely the way forward! YOu need to work on yourself for a while, and concentrate on getting yourself stronger. Don't wait for or expect your bf to come back, live your live and look after yourself.
Good luck
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I think if he grew up with a mother who was suffering from severe depression and even tried to self harm twice, it might be he just can't/won't walk down that road. He lived it already. Specially if he has a lot of stress with school and money. We all have out limits.
Keep working on yourself. Keep moving forward.
Who knows if he will realize that he made a mistake, only he can know that.
As much as you want him to "come" back, it may not happen, you know the expression you can drag a horse to water but you can't make it drink? Same goes for relationships, you CAN'T make people feel things they don't or make then WANT to handle things they can't/won't.
Focus on you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2012): Hey, OP here. I probably should have mentioned that he has had depression in his life before, his mother suffers from it and has tried to end her life twice, so I don't think he has any excuses when it comes to not knowing how to deal with it. But thank you so much for your advice and encouragement, I really appreciate it. x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 June 2012):
Hi OP.
First of all, well done for seeking help for the depression. That was the most important and the best thing you could have done for yourself. I've been in the depression club myself along with a friend, my mother, my brother and numerous other people, so I am always keen for people with depression to try and get help for it. Keep at it, and whilst sometimes you might feel it pull at you again, you'll be in a stronger place to deal with it.
That brings me to your boyfriend. I suspect that reason that he's done what he's done, is that he simply doesn't understand what's happening to you and can no longer deal with it. Depression is hard to deal with for the person who has it, but it's often a lot hard for the people around. My friend actually has bipolar, and I'm just about the only person who can understand it because I've had depression.
Your boyfriend probably hasn't had depression before by the sound of it, and he's not really got the tools or the emotional understanding on how to handle it. Because of that, he's probably done the right thing ending it, because it's most likely that he would find himself depressed, and it would just make your relationship unbearable. Or, he'd never really understand you and you'd find it hard to deal with.
What you will be looking for is that special guy who does have understanding. And trust me, there will be a guy out there who does.
So, right now, you need to spend time with family, with friends, and just get yourself in a position where you understand yourself and you're receiving the right help to deal with your depression. As hard as it is, you need to leave the ex in the past, as he'll be no good for you. Then, when you're good and ready, you'll find the right guy for you.
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