A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, I realize I am too old to be having these problems (as some smart Alex people might say) so I'll pull the trigger on that first. Fine. Whatever. My boyfriend and I are struggling and I don't know if we can work and I am devastated. I knew he smoked Pot when we met but I didn’t know how much. He seems to need it on the daily. Then I find out he had a DUI three years ago and has been paying off that fine and still on probation. He gets randomly drug tested but takes random stuff to mask the results. Otherwise he's good to me. Is a very "functional" addict and works hard. He always pays for our dinners and is polite. Last night we went out and he got cut off by the bartender. He was pompous to the guy and just dumb. I was embarrassed for sure. Kind of felt like the last straw...He said he was so sorry and won’t do it again. I told him I think he should go to AA. I don't think he can "will' the addiction away. What else can I do? I want us to work. I want to marry him but I don't know if he can get better. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2017): OP;
Thx... I agree and booze would only be worse. He had a gambling addiction at one time too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2017): I'm sorry you're going through this, its' hard, but you must be a grown-up, realistic and do what's best.He is an addict, the fact that he's functional is only making it worse because it's giving you a false image you could cling to. And that false image is a smoke screen and can disappear any minute.Addicts have only one priority - their addiction. I don't know why he got addicted to pot. People self-medicate with drugs and alcohol to help themselves with a myriad of conditions: depression, anxiety, ADHD, PTSD... Until he gets to the bottom of the reason why, he can't just stop. AA would help him clear the way to deal with it. But it's ultimately his decision.I was in a relationship for a year with a guy who "smoked pot a lot". At the beginning I didn't realize how "a lot" really was and in time I realized that he couldn't function without it in everyday situations. I never tried drugs and don't drink because it just doesn't appeal to me, but have no prejudice towards people who do.In a nutshell. He was acting like a kid, a man over 30! When he would visit his ex-wife to see the kids he would hide to smoke and hide the roaches so that she couldn't find them in the bin. He would smoke at work, during family gatherings or just when he was hanging out with friends. He didn't smoke when he was with me, because with me, as he said, he just felt great (and because I didn't smoke with him, otherwise we would smoke together, I'm sure). So, he was using pot to deal with anxiety related to work, family and sometimes even friends (!) and later on I figured out that he was depressed. Anyway, he had no problems with the law, he was even more functional than your bf. Everybody liked him (even his two ex-wives). His kids adored him (but he didn't really take care of them as a full time parent). He did solid work (again, to deal with social anxiety at work he smoked) . BUT an addict is still an addict. He was never without pot, finding pot was one of his priorities and he spent a lot of money on it. He used it to control his moods among other things. I realized that in the long run I cannot imagine staying with him. He was great with me and didn't need pot because we were still in the phase of the relationship where we could just enjoy each other without any obligations and responsibilities. I couldn't ignore the fact that he's just looking for a way to live his life with the least effort. As long as I'm not demanding anything complicated from him, things will work out.After we broke up, at some point he married a women who's 8 years his senior and who organized his life and supported him (and his habit) financially. She too smokes pot, but nowhere nearly as much as him. She is his enabler in return he does everything she wants and is miserable (his words). His choice. I saw him after 15 years. He was unrecognizable. Abuse of anything even pot can influence your health and overall well-being. He's a shell of a man (I mean emotionally and mentally) I fell in love with. I never cared much for looks, I found him very attractive and he was never in great shape. But when I saw him last, it saddened me to see what he had done to himself. His eyes were watery, he looked older than he was and he was bloated (enlarged liver, known symptom of abuse of drugs - pot included - and alcohol). When we parted our ways, he immediately lit one up.Now, that's sad. I wrote this because I wanted to (as Christmas is getting near ;) show you your future if you stay with this guy and he really refuses to work on his habit and most importantly the underlying causes.You cannot save him. I repeat.YOU CANNOT SAVE HIM.He's the only one who has the power to do it.Should he decide to kick the habit and do the work, don't take he's word for it. Addicts are notorious liars... You will need to find what works best for you.Put yourself first. What he's doing is simply not ok since your not sharing the same vision of life and you will start pulling his weight at some point for sure.Good luck!
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female
reader, Aleisha-Jay  +, writes (3 November 2017):
 Firstly, I have someone very close to me who smokes weed very often.The first thing they were told to do when going to meetings.. 'drink instead of smoking'To me this sounded very stupid as I honestly believe alcohol is within a doubt much worse than cannabis. If it were just as bad it would not be legalized in certain countries. In which, people are still going to work and living their everyday life as normal whilst smoking cannabis. I don't believe the problem is that he smokes weed, it is his temprament when doing so. Maybe a different type of cannabis will have a different affect on his mood. Have you asked him why he smokes? Is it simply because he likes to smoke and thats that. If so then he isn't compromising for the sake of your relationship.Smoking because he likes it knowing you don't like it or agree with his behaviour when doing so and even the probation and tests... For not only your sake, he should want to stop.For some people they would either be with that person or not but if it is a problem that can be changed then I believe you should support him in doing so especially as you want to get married. Love can be difficult.. But with your help and support I'm sure you can both overcome this issue and soon be married.I wish you both all the best!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2017): OP, your age has NOTHING to do with this situation. ONE of the things that getting older gives you is more experience so you can (hopefully) spot red flags earlier on and get out QUICKER. If your experience hasn't given you wisdom then you act the same way as a younger person doing this for the first time.I too have just ended a very short relationship for a very similar reason. I realised I was dealing with an addict and LEFT. I discovered mine was a (mostly) functioning alcoholic, pot head and also loved the nose candy. Because he was financially well off - there were no brakes to speak off. NOT for me because you are a PROP to their life. They are ADDICTS first and your partner second. There is serious mental health issue underlying why there is an addiction and you cannot trust them. Do you really want to have to waste your life dealing with someone else's severe problem??I suggest you contact support groups (Online or near you) for people who are dealing with addicts and get some help for YOU. You matter. You have choice. You can get the strength to leave.I wish you all the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2017): You cannot compair pot and alcohol they are 2 different things entirely.Pot has never ever killed a person alcohol has killed many.Look you knew he smokes pot from the get go.How come everyone wants to change everyone? You knew who he is and what he does.Next time chose someone who has the same values as you do.Someone you love for who they are and does not need to change who he is.I tell ya it never works out when you try to change somebody.Find a man who is more in line with what you desire and you will not have to try to change them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2017): No, addicts can't will the addiction away
In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it says on (I think page 60 or close too, "a. We were alcoholic and could not manage our own lived b. No HUMAN power could relieve our alcoholism and c. God could and would IF he were sought". Emphasis mine. Google "alcoholic anonymous" "how it works". Try reading and downloading "there is a solution" "alcoholic anonymous" and " more about alcoholism" to get an idea of what he's up again st. For YOU, read, " to the wives". You may want to join alanon. Then, keep the communication lines open but take a break from intimacy until he gives it a shot. If not, sadly, you may need to say goodbye.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 November 2017):
 You can't.
I think you know that. He is smoking pot for a reason. And whatever that reason is, is more important than anything else - even you.
He is CHOOSING to take other drugs to try and hide his usage. THAT is how far he is willing to go.
While I am understanding off medicinal weed in terminal and chronic pain cases, I think pot is as dangerous as alcohol and yes, I think alcohol is dangerous when it's usage is out of control. Your BF's usage of weed is out of HIS control. While the effect of pot is habit forming it's nothing compared to harder drugs. Most people CAN put the pot away. Not all can, however, and not all WANT to. Whether your BF is in the " can't" or won't" pile doesn't really matter if he isn't willing.
You might have thought a little weed here and there is no big deal and you might be right. For most people THIS may not BE a big deal, for your BF, however, IT IS. It affects not only his livelihood, his criminal record, his behavior and YOU.
If he isn't willing to quit (and sorry, OP I think that is more likely how he feels) there is NOTHING you can do to stop him or "fix" him. THAT rests SOLELY on him.
All YOU can do is decide, DO I want a partner who does this, and acts this way? Who puts pot ABOVE me? Or not? And then you act accordingly.
Replace his usage of pot with alcohol... HOW would feel is he constantly drank?
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