| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi,I have a friend who's used to living off other people. She's funny, smart and she still takes money from her parents (she's 39 years old!), "borrows" money and promises to pay back at some point. Goes out for drinks, meals and almost never pays her share. She decided that getting a day job, while she waited to become a famous artist, was beneath her, so she has no steady income. She's not bipolar, she was not diagnosed with anything and she did see a therapist for a while.Even when we lived in the same town, I did my best not to be one of her friends that she uses. But I would on an occasion help her out. I remember one winter was pretty harsh. We went our for a drink and I realized that she had no proper shoes. We were about 33 at the time. It was a time for sales and I found a way to buy her shoes and not offend her. But if I'm being honest, had I given her the money she would have spent it on DVDs, books...Over the years, she would try to borrow money from my husband and me but we always found a way to be straight with her and give her our conditions (set a date by which she needed to pay us back). As it was never a real borrowing she always found somebody else to take the money from without any conditions.Even though we're not rich, we get by, so it's not just about the money. I like her and I think she has many qualities, and if I let her start using us, our friendship, such as it is, will end. One other thing, almost all of her friends have jobs. Most of us would like to do something else, but in the meantime we earn our living the best we can. She sometimes goes on and on on how we're wasting our lives and should be braver and I know that she means well, but who's gonna pay our bills if we decide that we are too good for these low-paying, stupid jobs?Anyway, she started pressuring me into buying something she needs here where I live (she can't find it anywhere else) and post it to her. The sum is around $800. And it has nothing to do with her art or work. Again, it's something for fun. I think I'll have to do the same thing I already mentioned, but this time she sounded freaky. Like a junky looking for a fix. As if she needed it or she will die. I'm thinking that she might say yes to whatever deadline I set and then simply ignore me, like she usually does with other people when she doesn't want to pay them back. She feels awful about it, but since she doesn't work, she can't pay. And she's totally responsible for it.I was thinking of asking for money upfront. Do you think it's good tactics? I know she won't be able to do it and I anticipate that she'll try to pressure me into it because she knows that the only valid reason is not to have that money and she knows we do. In that case I'll have to be honest with her and remind her that she doesn't pay people back because she doesn't work and that I care for her and don't want to lose her over stupid money.I try not to judge anyone, but she has a problem that affects people around her and at some point it's our responsibility to protect ourselves.Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2017): If you buy this for her you'll end up wondering if she's only your friend for this purchase, and the next one, and so on.
Saying no to her is the only way to know if she still wants to be your friend without the money.
I can't imagine how she survives like this long term. does she still live with her parents, or does she somehow pay rent and bills with friends' money?
Is there any progress/signs on the horizon of her making her living as an artist?
A
male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (4 November 2017):
 When a friend emits a pet peeve it can be pretty stressful. I had a similar friend experience. Our friendship ended almost 2 years ago. Mind you, it happened by accident. But I saw an opportunity and took it. I didn't like the idea that I was being taken for granted and having to face the fact that my friend didn't really seem to care to do anything about it. It was her pride that chased me away. It was so ugly.Not saying you should ends yours but you have to realise there is a problem. It can be sticky when trying to reason with a friend about something they are doing that bothers you, but your friend must also realise that she has responsibilities. I am pro-quit-your-job but if your friend is constantly in debt with herself and others she has to take responsibility for her actions. My advice, kindly express the problem you are having and refuse to loan her anymore money....at east for now. You've been a good friend and I'm sure she's good to you too. But she can't keep treating you like an ATM, you have needs and requirements too.All the best.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (4 November 2017):
Your “friend” is a conniving con artist. Grow a spine and tell her no. You are not responsible for her or what she does with her parents or others. So I repeat. In the words of Nancy Reagan “Just say no!”
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (4 November 2017):
 of course she should pay up front, why on earth should YOU pay out 800 for something SHE wants and then be expected to chase her up for payment later?
Give her an inch and she will take a mile. What's wrong with saying no? It's your money that you've worked for and earned. Do you honestly think you'll get it back because I think you're barking up the wrong tree if you do.
Tell her no, if she wants it she buys it herself or gives you the money first, simple.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2017): Is it hard for you to say no, or hard to admit you can't afford to indulge her?
Helping her out when you directly see a need or hardship is the way to go. That's what friends are for. Not to be ATM machines. If she wants to borrow, have her sign an IOU or promissory note for substantial amounts. Or just say NO!!!
We all have that friendly lovable "hustler" among our circle of friends, or a certain family-member. Always broke, a little aimless, financially-challenged, childish, and often pitiful. Like you said, if she doesn't get it from you; she'll get it elsewhere. Problem solved. So say NO!
Apparently, saying no in the past hasn't dissolved the friendship. She knows better than to burn a bridge.
You feel compelled to given-in; because you're too embarrassed to admit you can't afford to giveaway money.
You don't want to look less affluent than your friends.
Maybe your other friends might be better-off financially, or more generous. Maybe they're just showing-off!
Stop competing!
Why would you even entertain the thought of giving her money for the purpose of a needless splurge? If she wants it so badly, suggest that she get a part-time job. If she gets pissed or rude for being denied; then she's not a friend. She's just a mooch and a parasite. Forgoing decent shoes to waste money on stupid things? Why should you empower her bad habits? The money you earn is for you to save, spend, or waste as you see fit.
It's not your soft-heart. It is your pride that won't let you turn her down; knowing she might waste your hard-earned money. You're afraid she's telling others that you refused her or couldn't do it. If that's the case, start a trend. Soon others will follow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2017): I would say to her that I have not got $800 to buy this for her and could she give you the money upfront. If she says pay it on a CC thej tell her you're max'd out. White lies can't hurt in this situation as she has proven she can't be trusted to act like an adult. You are right to think that you probably won't get the money back and this would destroy your friendship.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 November 2017):
 It is clear that she has a problem. You need to simply tell her no and mean it. Look you say she knows you can afford it, but that is because you work for a living. Why would she work when people keep giving her money. Be straight with her. It is the best way to deal with this. I wouldn't even ask for some off the money I would just simply say no sorry I cannot afford to lend you that much money and leave it at that. If it was for something essential then I would maybe she the point but all that money for something that is not, I wouldn't give it to someone with that reputation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2017): Thank you ALL so much!
You're absolutely right. I need to learn how to say NO more easily and without guilt. Not just with her, but in general. Me having problems saying no to her is a symptom of my low self-esteem and I've been working on it, going to therapy :)
Even though she literary got zero from us in the last 15 years, she still asks from time to time. She thinks she has nothing to lose (even though I disagree with that attitude in this particular situation, since this behavior annoys people).
We live in the country where benefits do not exist, healthcare is horrible and basically you have to pay for everything, whether you have a job or not, earn bellow minimum wage etc. So when I say that she lives off others, she really lives off others. It's a horrible position to willingly put yourself in.
I'm not blind to the fact that all the friends she has are in some way useful to her. I'm pretty sure that most of them have learned a long time ago how things work with her.
In a way she's a good opportunity for me to practice saying no :)
Thank you once again!
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (3 November 2017):
 *Lend* her it if you don't want to see your $800 again- you WON'T be getting that back.
If she's not homeless she gets benefits right? So she can survive Ok if she needs to.. She needs to learn that she can't get whatever she wants for FREE- at the expense of others!!
Don't do it- it's principle like even if you could afford a £700 bag/shoes- you still wouldn't buy it right?
Honestly even if people mean well and INTEND to pay you back, they won't be ABLE to because they don't have the discipline to be responsible i.e. putting money away for debts
Think what you could treat yourselves to with that $800.. WHY does she deserve the treat at your expense?? Because I repeat no matter how you kids you/ herself you're NOT going to get that money back. And what if you fell on hard times? Even if she was earning I'd doubt she'd help- just put it down to one of her "conventional values"
Maybe she'll never learn/ change. SAY NO and if she acts like a petulant child then leave her to it. Don't pander to her every whiny demand.. yeah she'll sulk but guess what- you won't lose her because she'll always be back when she needs something..
The shoes were appropriate, I've even bought a homeless guy shoes before because he was sitting there with a bag on one of his feet! But say NO to anything that is a luxury- SHE wants it SHE can go out and get it for herself
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 November 2017):
 She's like this because everyone enables her. Why grow up when people will pay your way for you?
Say no. Stick to it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2017): I am sorry but I would dump that moocher.She is not really your friend she just uses people for what she wants.She will never stop asking because she knows sooner or later you always give in.Clean break..end the friend ship for it is only one sided and not real.As long as everyone helps her she will never grow up.Friends do not do this.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 November 2017):
 You need to become more comfortable with saying NO to her. Nobody gives you YOUR money so why should you give it away to someone who CHOOSES not to work?
I think you also probably need to become more comfortable with being friends with her while disagreeing with her morals. It would be lovely if we all lived in La La Land and made ends meet by sponging off everyone we knew, but some of us choose to pay our own way, like you do.
I think you are handling her perfectly. All you now need to do is become comfortable with what you are doing and stop feeling any sort of guilt towards her. She is an adult. She makes her own choices. Her welfare (and certainly her entertainment) is not YOUR responsibility.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 November 2017):
I guess she has a problem but if someone constantly does this, why does her friends constantly give in anyway? Makes no sense to me, just tell her no, she won't die. She is a good friend because she needs you. And you like feeling needed. You are just being manipulated because I'm sure she does nothing equal to going out of her way like you do. And when she does go out of her way, it is a most minimal she could do AND she makes sure to broadcast it. If you want a friend like that, I'm not stopping you.
Of course, I could be wrong, but it's just my own experience in dealing with people like this. Real friends don't burden each other with money issues.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (3 November 2017):
You will never see that money if you buy it for her and want her to pay it back. You know that. Is she magic? How has she got this far without having to take responsibility?
You must ask for the cash upfront. Or she will have found a way around you. Again. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 November 2017):
 Just learn to say no.
So what that she can ONLY buy that thing where you live (which I BET is bogus)? Sure if she sends money for the item and shipping UPFRONT then why not buy it for her, but no money... no buying anything.
It's not being "mean" or "rude" to not want to throw away $800 for her entertainment.
So just be honest.
I think, in general when you say NO enough times to a person like this they stop asking.
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