A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years and lately have been having serious doubts and wondering if I should break up with him. We have had problems in the past due to his dishonesty and he has betrayed my trust and hurt me deeply several times. These things put a strain on us obviously. But lately it's not even so much about those things. I am just not feeling a strong feeling of love for him any more. It has faded over the past two months or so. See, since last August or so we were discussing moving in together next January and implicit in all our talks about our future was that we would be married and be together forever- he has always been coy about proposal, not wanting to ruin the moment by talking about it too much, so we never really discussed marriage concretely, only teasingly.But then it occured to me that we were getting ahead of ourselves- discussing moving in together, planning the next ten years of our lives without ever actually being engaged/married or even discussing the idea of being married. When I mentioned to him that I didn't want to plan out my entire life before we were even engaged, he was a bit upset, but agreed that we should stop planning everything and put that on hold until we were engaged. The engagement, as I understand, is supposed to be coming at some point in the next six months or so.But now that our planning is on hold I find myself imagining what my life could be like without him in it.And questioning, do I want to marry him? I had always assumed that the answer to that is YES but now that we are in a state of limbo, I am increasingly unsure.Meanwhile he is growing more and more affectionate towards me- lately he tells me he loves me all of the time, gushes about how I am his soulmate, how beautiful I am, how he wants to be with me- he is so cheesy and goofy and loving. He's always been loving but he is more lately than ever. And I am feeling withdrawn. I am only 23 years old, but that's not even the main thing. I worry that I just don't love him any more. And I'm not sure where the feelings went. We fight a lot (less lately)- we have had so many fights that have become outrageous and dramatic, it's unreal, our dynamic has been tense and painful since he started lying to me (I'll omit details)- but when we were happy together, we were really happy- perfect even. Our fights lately are shifting. Things just feel different. We are calmer together. But I don't feel happy. I feel very anxious inside because I can't seem to summon up the feelings of love that I had just a few months ago, and I don't understand where they went.Nothing really happened, except for all the talk about marriage and the future. I admit to foolishly expecting a proposal over Xmas and being disappointed when it didn't come. But I never mentioned that to him because I knew it was all in my head- not his fault. A few months ago I was so excited at the idea of marrying him- or at least being engaged to him. Now I feel distress. Can I commit to being with this man for the rest of my life? I have no idea. I hope he doesn't ask the question any time soon because I am not ready to answer it.Can anyone shed any insight onto what may be happening here? I feel very confused. AS always there is more to the story that I cannot write here because I don't want to bore you all to death. I have discussed some of these things with my boyfriend- I told him I was thinking of ending it with him sometimes (not as a threat, just to let him know how confused I was). He took it pretty well, he didn't get angry, just told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. I felt better, briefly, but my loving feelings have not returned yet.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 February 2010):
 Men and women are on a different timeline when it comes to relationships. I think what you are feeling is that you waited for him to commit when he wasn't ready. You felt rejected and took it personally. You shut off part of yourself to protect and hide your pain. Now that he seems to be ready to commit you are supposed to switch your love button on again. You feel resentment and that your time is not valued. You had high expectations but was disappointed. He saw that you are confused but is patient because he understands that was where he came from when he wasn't ready to commit, but the fact was that you were earlier before but you felt rejected.
A
female
reader, Yarou  +, writes (21 February 2010):
 Well what you should do is ask yourself all the question that u have in your head.
answer them. maybe the feelings for him are still there but u are suspecting things because the arguments and the fights are not here anymore.
but you know maybe he is loving you more and more maybe u dont feel the same way anymore because u might not be used to that reaction.
I am sure that they are here , u can ask him why is he acting this way ( not that u are bothered)
try to see things clearer .
make sure that he would get what u mean.
if you have been 6 years together than you are made for each other.
usually when i'm in this situation i look at him and see.
what are the things in him that i like and what i dont.
and the things that i dont like in him , i would try and talk to him about them.
you should deal the problemes ok?
goodluck
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