A
female
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anonymous
writes:I know you have heard this a thousand times before. I have just discovered tha my partner has been looking for porn. I know that guys do this sometimes, but what is really scaring me is I think he has set up a separate profile on our computer and loads of scrubbing devices to cover up. I saw word searched for in the Google search bar, I was not looking. Once I found one I looked through the letters. Then I typed 2 or 3 letters together like boo (for boobs) and load of things came up across may letters of the alphabet. We have only had the computer 4 weeks or so. I feel that this may have been going on awhile because of his attitude to sex and I feel it is affecting us in the bedroom. He prefers masturbation and rude stories to a personal physical connection. I felt so sick when I saw he had been looking for "school girls". He has totally denied it but my son (who is little) hardly uses the computer and it sure was not me. I am so afraid at what I will find and I feel lied to and betrayed. He should have been honest and let me make up my mind whether I could stand it, or agreed to stop, or something. I feel very ill and I can't eat. Don't tell me it is alright to lie. The apparent extent of it too makes me sick. What other sujects are lurking in there I wonder and it makes me feel sick to think of him touching me now, when I loved him so much before. I think he even bought the new computer for this, because it seems to be the main search material.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): Google does do that, if I type in boo, boobies comes up. If I type in sch, school girls comes up!! Trust me, I just tried it!! I think it's google's way of trying to help people have to type less to get the search result they want, but I think it causes trouble, just like what you're facing now. If he were really searching up those things, I am sure he'd be weary enough to clear his google history.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for taking the time. I realise that I need to be careful in balancing what may have really happened with computer glitches. What I will do, is calm down and wait see. I will only look into this more deeply once I have had the chance to talk openly. I need him to see that we have to be open about ourselves with each other and compromise where possible, not when not. I really want to trust him because I think that it is so important.
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (5 October 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
Adding onto what Dr Pete said, sometimes when people visit sites to download music or movies - like a bit torrent site - things can get downloaded onto your computer without you even realizing it. I know that's happened to me before. I only realized it when I looked through my temp internet files (or one of the folders that I don't usually look at too often). Anyway, I had inadvertently downloaded some really bizarre sex movies. If you've found actual files on your computer and your guy goes to sites like the one I've mentioned, he may not actually be looking at porn websites.
(You should also run a virus scan if you have these files on your computer.)
Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): The Google toolbar suggests search phrases based on what other people have search for, e.g. if I type in "school" I get up "school girls" and "school uniform" yet I haven't searched for either, (honest!)
Are you sure you haven't got yourself all confused and upset over something he hasn't actually done?
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (5 October 2007):
 Okay, I would probably feel a little freaked out too because it seems like he's been sneaking around behind your back, and my guess is, he knows it's not going to be a popular subject of discussion between the two of you. So you could do a couple of things. You could simply sit him down some evening over dinner (while your son is gone) and simply tell him you're aware of his porn cruising, and maybe you'll be able to get him to tell you why he feels the need. Maybe things have become too routine in your bedroom lately. Maybe his trying to fix a lagging libido, or re-capture his youth. If you talk to him about it, in la non-accusatory, calm manner, you may be able to solve the mystery and also tell him why it feels like he's violating your marriage.
The other thing you could do, is some shock therapy. But you'd have to be pretty bold to do this: Go out and buy the shortest, tiniest little mini skirt you can fit into, skip wearing panties, pair it with a little white poufie-sleeved top, put your hair in braids, dot a few freckles on your face, put on bobbie-socks and saddle shoes and be waiting for him some evening when he comes home from work, licking a lollipop. If you become the type of woman who seems more adventurous in bed, more daring, and more naughty, he may not feel the need to cruise the porn sites looking for some excitement. That would be my approach. If you can't beat em' join em!.....Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): I think you are probably right, he bought the computer to look at porn and that is something that alot of men do. Whats worrying is that he tries to cover it up. I agree with other comments that he may not have been looking for school girls, only girls that are dressed like this as part of role play - another thing that bizarrely turns men on.
I think that the trouble is that there is so much choice on the net and men just cant get enough of looking at others doing the things that in real life they may not necessarily do.
I think that you have two choices, depending on how rational you are and how much this has affended you, the first being, rid of the computer (even if you just hide it up the loft or something) this will cause him to question your reasons and you can approach him from an angle where he will have to be honest and will find difficult to lie in (as he wont know exactly what you have found)or secondly just ask him calmly why he has been searching the net for porn and again dont let on about anything that you have found. You may find that this option will give him the chance to quickly think up a lie for example 'it was a pop up that i accidently clicked on' or 'I typed in something and it just came on' etc
Remember your not being mean, you are searching for answers, why should he be getting his pleasure and be denying you yours?
Don't take it to heart and no he is not a sick individual, all men do it but that leaves no room for secrecy, my partner views porn but the internet is off bounds as I found porn on my personnal laptop. I have no problem with dvds or him having it on his phone but not on MY pc, I feel that this is not unreasonable and I think you need to distinguish what is acceptable within your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): please see http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-left-my-bf-of-over-7-years.html and read the answers i got
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (5 October 2007):
 HI,
This is really hard, because the honesty is not there for you anymore, and you are thinking that he may be looking at all sorts of bad things.
Has he ever looked at porn before, that you know of?. He may just be looking at the usual type of sites. They may say school girl, but in reality these girls are over 18 and its just roll play.
I know that it doesnt make it right for him to look, but its not as bad as if he is looking at something far worse.
You need to get the truth from him, to put your mind at ease. Or do you know anyone that could help you with the computer and find out what he has been looking at.
Personally if its just normal porn, I wouldnt be that worried. But if it was anything real bad, I would throw him out.
If he has nothing to hide he should be honest and show you. Dont get yourself in a state, and make yourself ill.
You have a right to know.
XX
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): I don't know of any bloke with a computer who hasn't looked at porn of one sort or another. With men it's usually just a visual thing and as far as he's concerned doesn't affect his relationship with you.
However, the fact that it upsets you so much should be a good enough reason for him to curb his fascination for the subject. He may have typed in 'Schoolgirls' but I don't think anything that popped up from that particular search turned up any actual schoolgirls - just women aged 18+ dressed in school uniforms with pigtails sucking lollipops. To save him keeping on seaching through google, tell him to go to http://www.uselessjunk.com - one site for all fetishes.
He'll soon tire of it - he's like a little boy in a sweetshop at the moment - and then he'll switch his attention to something else that takes his fancy when he gets bored with watching the same old crap time after time.
Phil
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