A
female
age
,
*bbyone
writes:I broke up with my BF for 5 months. He's married by the way and we had an affair for 2 1/2 years. We have started talking again and want to pursue a relationship but only if he leaves his wife. I refuse to get back to that stressful, wrong mess. He agrees and knows he needs to leave to give us a chance. We are both in our 50's so not young adults. During our break up I dated 3 guys no longer than about 3 weeks and slept with one. Yeah I realize it was way too soon, but whatever. I admitted to my BF that I dated but told him he wasn't getting other details even though he asked me point blank if I had sex. He is struggling with the fact I even dated because I told him I couldn't get over him and still had feelings for him during our breakup. He seems to think I shouldn't have dated at all and just pined for him or agreed to reconcile sooner. At the time of breakup I truly wanted things to be over forever. But now I'm reconsidering that and want to try to start over(pending his separation). I told him I couldn't change anything I did or didn't do during our break up and quite frankly he has no say anyway since he's not available! He said tonight he doesn't think he can get over it if he knows I had sex with anyone. So do I just keep taking the 5th or lie to him to make him feel better? Personally I think anything I did during the break up is none of his business.. Am I wrong for thinking this?
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male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (4 March 2015):
Always remember that whenever a man leaves his wife for his mistress, a vacancy is automatically created.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 March 2015):
 Sometimes, I wonder how long many of the OPs on here have to bang their heads against a solid wall until they realize that it HURTS.... and that only THEY can stop that hurt.....
Good luck.. .OP...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 March 2015):
 It's a choice to stay together or not.
Since you also work together I would JUST be professional, but I would cut the contact outside of work. you have to start somewhere if you TRULY want to end it.
Saying it's complicated due to work, is a cop out and you know it. Yes, it NOT as easy as it would have been if you worked to different companies, but it can be done. It all comes down to WHAT you really want.
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A
female
reader, Ebbyone +, writes (1 March 2015):
Ebbyone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI stated that I WOULDN'T get back in the affair with him until he leaves his wife. I'm not currently having sex with him. Nor will I! (we did hook up since we started talking again but that was a month ago now.)
He asked me what I would do if he left his wife and dated as a hypothetical question - he is not intending to do that (if he even leaves, which I'm still not totally convinced of). He was using that example to try to get me to understand his point of view that he didn't feel I should have immediately dated upon breaking things off with him. It was just a stupid statement on his part which was not even close to what I did AS A SINGLE person once we broke up. He seems to forget the fact that he's married as the BIG problem and wants to compare our situations as similar when they are not.
We also work together which makes things very difficult to just walk away from because we see each other almost every day.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 March 2015):
 So to recap, your boyfriend is still married, you are still having sex with him, and he has said if he leaves his wife he is going to date other women.
If that is good enough for you, continue sleeping with him, if you feel you want, or deserve, something better dump his sorry arse.
I'm guessing nothing will change, but I do hope I am wrong.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 March 2015):
Well, there you go.
Maybe it has taken you this long to realize the BEING with him was never really an option.
And that he pulls the, well If I leave my wife I WANT TO date freely JUST like you did. It's quite frankly pathetic.
It's your move now. Stay and continue to live a lie. To be second best. (or 3rd or where you rank on his priority list)
Or let him COMPLETELY go. Se yourself free of this waste of time and well, downright bad moral choice.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Ebbyone +, writes (28 February 2015):
Ebbyone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI posted here this morning but it must not have saved or something. I wanted to say that in addition to his emotional blackmail (thank you Honeypie for that), he told me that never once during our breakup did HE consider dating. I looked at him like he had 2 heads and said "You're married! It's not like you should be dating!!" Maybe that sounds hypocritcal on my part after participating in the affair, but it floors me that he doesn't see the rediculousness of that statement. He also asked me what I would do if he left his marriage and began dating. I told him I would be confused since he would have been leaving FOR me, not to date. In some way, he feels that my dating after we broke up is the same thing as him leaving his marriage to explore his other options. Of course it is completely different.
His ego is so huge I know that he cannot fathom if I wasn't over him, why I would consider dating others and not sit around being sad and feeling miserable. I HAD to do something to try to move on. I had spent the past 2.5 years mostly alone and couldn't date openly, so I dated. He needs to get over it and get out of his marriage if he wants us to have a chance - if he can't, then he needs to just stay put and I'll do my own thing and we will be finished for good.
I sort of feel that this is just going to be another reason why he can't pull the trigger. I don't really think he'll leave either and/or he'll keep me in limbo (he's already starting to talk the talk) about how he has complications and it's going to take some time to move out, he can't just walk out, etc. UGH. Same thing I heard for 2.5 years. He agrees I deserve better, but still feels we are destined to be together. I feel HE is the one who has to prove himself to me, not the other way around. Actions speak louder than words.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 February 2015):
I don't think I could have put it any better than WiseOwlE.
You don't owe him squat. But.... Lady... Don't you think you OWE yourself more then being someone's dirty secret?
He isn't going to leave her. I don't think he will actually WANT to give you up, but he is trying to use "emotional blackmail" to get you to spill the beans.
Want more for yourself than some other woman's sloppy seconds.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): It doesn't matter what you tell him or don't tell him. He's a cheating-bastard; and has no say whatsoever what you do as a single-woman.
He should be concerned about the woman he's married to, and what she's doing. He's not going to leave her for you, and provided you with a two-year affair to prove it.
It's all about the sex, and he feels he owns your vagina. You're his sexual-playmate and property. His side-dish. He's not giving up half his property, and his stable married-life for his piece on the side. Don't lower yourself to his level. Don't try to downplay the fact you didn't respect the fact he was a married-man for over two years. Now you have a conscience and demands, all after the fact?
I find it hard to believe people our age wouldn't know better. Wasting your life on a cheating player.
Consider whatever you like. You've already wasted a lot of your precious-time. If you prefer drama and a soap-opera lifestyle over a real relationship; and need to steal another woman's husband to get a man. More power to you!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 February 2015):
Let me repeat what I think I've read:
1. He's married and is cheating on his wife, with you,
2. You and he had a parting of the ways for a while... and during that time, you put out for someone else....
3. He thinks (and you did not counter) that - during your parted ways - you sat around an pined for him.....
Now, you are gullible to believe that he really is going to part from his wife... and you and he will be able to have a justifiable, honest relationship....
All true? Then you are amongst the MOST GULLIBLE women who will post on here today...
Drop his sorry, cheating a$$ and get a boyfriend who qualifies as "available." Stop selling yourself to this creep....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Ebbyone +, writes (28 February 2015):
Ebbyone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies. Want to hear something even MORE rediculous? He told me when I informed him I had been dating that NOT ONCE did he think of dating when we broke up! I looked at him like he had 2 heads and said.."Well how could you being MARRIED and all?" But that is the way his mind works! Then a few days later he asked me what I would think if he separated and then dated. I said, "Confused! Because you would be leaving for me..why would you say you would date?" He said that's what I did and I said it absolutely was NOT the same thing. I left my husband FOR him, he couldn't leave his marriage after 2 1/2 years, so I dumped him.. THEN dated. TOTALLY not the same.
We've had numerous discussions/arguments over his double standards and even though I know I could do better, after dipping my toes back into the dating pool, I wasn't very successful. That's why I guess I decided to give him another try but only IF he wasn't still staying in his marriage. He did leave his wife for a little bit after I broke things off..came to me hat in hand, begging for another chance and at the time I was seeing someone and wanted no part of him because of stuff he had pulled when we were dating. He went back to her instead of just continuing on with his divorce telling me he had to move on. I'm sorry but that isn't moving on, that's staying put just because it's easier! He isn't throwing that in my face surprisingly (that I didn't give him a chance at that time). He understands why I didn't go back with him and says he HAS changed. Which I do see in parts, but this dating thing is going to be the issue du jour without a doubt!
He has in the past put it back on me that he didn't believe I was committed to the relationship even though I had left my marriage, gotten my own place, was basically living all alone with visits from him VERY sporadically, all the while he just couldn't leave his marriage for a number of excuses.
He has told me he hasn't slept with his wife in a very long time and they do have separate rooms, but who knows? She KNOWS about me..but she stays as well. Its very weird!
OH! We have also had sex twice since starting to talk about reconciling (I missed him and we are great in bed together). He had no problem hooking up with me those times, but now is bemoaning the fact that he doesn't know if he can get over me being with someone else (?) I told him after those two times we weren't doing it until he separated. He said he agreed, but has since asked me to "hang out" and even accompany him on a business trip. I said no and will continue to do that. He said I made it perfectly clear what he needs to do to see me..but now (to me) he has another ISSUE that he just can't resolve in order to actually LEAVE. Grrr..ticks me off.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): Frankly, you should not be agonizing what you've done with the 3 men but should agonize over reconnecting with a cheater. People are, of course, always pointing at double standards but those double standards arise out of illogical and unhealthy circumstances like the one you are in with this guy. So to answer your question: yes you keep taking the 5th because the duscussion here is whether he wants to leave his wife for you.
So why is he carping over the sex thing? Because no cheater wants to leave his wife so he has found a thread to string you on so he can prolong the good thing which he has been riding - a good wife home and sex on the side. And I'm betting 100% that if you were to drop the demand that he leaves his wife, he will drop the sex issue and jump in bed with you again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2015): I think you are right to be dating other men and to drop this person who won't commit to you and has double standards. If he says he can't get over you sleeping with someone else AND is hoping that you will play into that and say that you didn't and that you want him back, then he is just confirming that he is immature for his age and has complete double standards. I'd just drop him and carry on dating.
51 is still young. We all need to really, really DROP this ageism thing that haunts so many peoples' lives, especially women. I mean, sure, when people only lived to about 40 years old - centuries ago - 51 would be miraculous. But these days you're probably around just over half your life-span - and in any case, who cares how far into your life you are? Ageism needs to go and so just love yourself and tell this guy to leave you alone and get out there, regardless of the number 51.
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A
female
reader, tobeanant +, writes (28 February 2015):
Yeah that's crazy. He has no ground to stand on here. He has never once fully committed himself to you, you know, being married and all... And has these expectations when you're broken up from your affair??? YIKES.
I feel its a control tactic, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Don't we all?? But many of us learned along the way that's not realistic. He never has
If you are resolved in your desire to be with him, then stand your ground. Cut off contact. Live your life. He needs to understand he doesn't control you . But honestly, life is too short to argue about sexual partners with a man who is cheating on his wife.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (28 February 2015):
Wow! Double standards much?
Its okay for him to be married and cheating on his wife, having sex with you, but not okay for you to see other men or to have sex.
Tell him to grow some, and that if he wants you to recline before him, legs akimbo, he needs to be a single man and you need an engagement ring on your finger, and until that happens you can cuddle, kiss or otherwise indulge in hanky panky where ever, when ever and with who ever you so chose.
You are young, and as you found out during the few months you were not involved with him, still capable of attracting men.
Let him know that in no uncertain terms, he can either get over himself and get over you maybe, perhaps, possibly having had sex with an unattached man or take his marching orders.
To be honest, men who screw around on their wives are not my favourite people, but men who screw around on their wives and still have expectations of purity from the women they screw with are up there with the worst possible.
You can do better you know, much better than him, somebody unencumbered with the sort of baggage he is going to bring to a relationship with you if he does end his marriage.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (28 February 2015):
Wow! Double standards much?
Its okay for him to be married and cheating on his wife, having sex with you, but not okay for you to see other men or to have sex.
Tell him to grow some, and that if he wants you to recline before him, legs akimbo, he needs to be a single man and you need an engagement ring on your finger, and until that happens you can cuddle, kiss or otherwise indulge in hanky panky where ever, when ever and with who ever you so chose.
You are young, and as you found out during the few months you were not involved with him, still capable of attracting men.
Let him know that in no uncertain terms, he can either get over himself and get over you maybe, perhaps, possibly having had sex with an unattached man or take his marching orders.
To be honest, men who screw around on their wives are not my favourite people, but men who screw around on their wives and still have expectations of purity from the women they screw with are up there with the worst possible.
You can do better you know, much better than him, somebody unencumbered with the sort of baggage he is going to bring to a relationship with you if he does end his marriage.
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