A
male
age
51-59,
*ost in the Malestom
writes:I am currently in a relationship of three years, only the last 6 months of which we have been living together, we have had a long distance relationship for almost 18 months. I love the guy and up until recently I have wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but over the last six months things seem to have changed, and I have been questioning... Before, when we were intially dating, there was a lot of passion, but we only were able to get together because of work on the weekends, he was tolerant and sweet, as I was not very experienced, in fact he was the second man I have ever been with sexually, and my first relationship. On our long distance part, we got together monthly for at least for days at a time and the passion was very intense whenever we were together, or at least I thought so. Since I have moved in with my man, the passion seems to have completely gone. He has become very verbally abusive, and has slowly but surely tried to reduce my individuality to nothing, including having me sell almost all of my posessions, as well as sell my car for one that he approved of. After it was gone, he commented that now nobody will be looking at me, except him. I miss my Porsche...I had it for 15 years, I now drive a brown sedan. He has a best friend (female), that he will talk to for hours at a time, ignoring me completely, and talking to her about our relationship, especially in front of me, making me the constant butt of their jokes. I helped at her wedding, reading bible quotes, she pulled me aside and told me that she would do everthing in her power to break us up, an that I wasn't good enough for him. Little did I know she was really warning me, and not being mean. Since I have moved in, I get to speak to him maybe an hour or two a day. He has even tells me to "shut up" during TV shows. I was a very inexperienced gay man when we met, and he holds it against me constantly, in every way possible, I am almost a joke to him. I am scolded constantly, like I am a 5 year old. He tries to demean me, especially in front of others when I show that I may know something he doesn't, (I have a Masters, he has a high school education). He treats me like a pet, instead of a friend and lover. I am constantly begging him for physical intimacy, which he appears to not want any longer. If we have any intimate contact, it is very clinical, as he wants to only have it on the bathroom floor where it "doesn't make a mess", and it is only hand jobs. Im a versatile man, and I love all forms of sex with a man,(although I haven't experienced all that I wish to and was hoping we would do it together), and more than that I enjoy very much giving pleasure to my man, which he knows and sometimes our forays on the bathroom floor only he gets off. He always seems to have an excuse not to be intimate. The time in between these moments is getting longer and longer. I don't think a relationship is only about sex, but aren't normal people supposed to enjoy each other's intimacy? He hasn't touched me sexually in two months. He also no longer enjoys kissing. Just a peck on the lips, if that. He says that if he kisses me, I will want sex, so no kisses. If I ask for anything, I get a huge guilt trip about how I am unnaturally horny, even if all I want is a hug. Am I wrong? Am I being too selfish? Should I try to get my intimacy elsewhere and keep it a secret from him?I'm not a hideous guy, I work out two hours every day. People have told me I am phsically attractive, I'm not so sure. My man tells me I'm fat, constantly (i'm 5'11" and 165 pounds). Maybe that's why he wont touch me. He wants us to buy a house together now. Using my money. Im afraid that if we do this I will get trapped. He has taken control of my finances, putting all of the money I have made into a savings account with only his name on it. It makes me very nervous.The worst part is that I am an American Soldier. I'm afraid that if I leave him, or even rock the boat in any way, he will "out" me to the military, and I will be kicked out of the Army. He seems bitter enough at times to do it, just so I would feel the need to stay with him, trapped. I have only 18 months left, and I can get out honorably, and this is something I want to do, I feel it is my duty to finish what I started. I have waited for "don't ask don't tell" to be repealed, but I am scared that it won't be, and I'm running out of time.I tell you, I feel scared and trapped. I'm not sure if I really want to stay with this man. I'm not sure I can do better. I don't think I am asking for too much out of a relationship. I almost broke up with him once, but I was scared, and I immediately buckled and apologized, but I don't think I was wrong. I feel that if I try to break up with him, he will take my money and destroy my life by outing me to the army, destroying all I have worked for in my life. I fell in love with him once, and I still love him, I guess. I'm not sure he is love with me, but with the idea of me; a man to take care of him and provide, and to be a verbal punching bag. I've tried to talk to him, but he doesn't want to hear it. He just calls me a pussy and tells me to get over it. I'm not sure what to do, I have sometimes thought about doing something drastic, as I feel there isn't a lot of options. I always thought I was a big strong guy, and thought less of people on the tv shows that got into positions like I am in now. I'm not laughing anymore. I'm constantly depressed and feel like I'm at the end of my rope. What should I do?
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best friend, broke up, depressed, fell in love, hand-job, horny, kissing, long distance, military, money, moved in, trapped, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): Hi
I agree you need to get out now you are in a really bad relationship, that in time would get unbearable. Seriously you need to move on but i would actually do it without even telling him. Make a plan and get away. Regarding outing you, this may happen anyway in time while with him.
safeguard your money be clever and wise and say nothing.
You will find your true mate one day but THIS MAN IS NOT THE ONE....
Please be strong your inner 'knowing' is warning you.
Best of luck
spunky monkey
A
male
reader, Lost in the Malestom +, writes (12 December 2010):
Lost in the Malestom is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks Boonridge, I guess I just had to hear it from someone...
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (12 December 2010):
 get out of this abusive relationship- leave today and don't look back, anyone who wants you to sell all your possessions and ridicules you is nasty and you need to move on as fast as you can.
he just wants to feed off destroying your self esteem and thinks that if he does this he can control you. even if he was being nice not having sex or kissing would be the death knell of a relationship for me.
don't stay with this bully get away now and you might find someone good, the longer you are with this man the more of your precious life you are wasting!
good luck and move away from him
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