A
female
age
41-50,
*llyadelphine
writes:My boyfriend is my best friend and I love him dearly. That's why it seems soo ridiculous that I fantasize about breaking up with him so I can have sex with other men.When we first got together, things were hot and heavy. The sex was pretty basic, but I was always ready to go and I almost always had an orgasm. Now that we're out of that honeymoon stage and I'm not so in need of him all the time, I find myself hoping he doesn't try to have sex with me when we get into bed. He opens his mouth too wide when we kiss, so that it's all tongue. For a about six months we had very little sex. When I asked him why he didn't initiate, he said he didn't know how, instead he was content to masterbate on his own. When he does reach for me in bed, I'm turned off by the way he rubs my sides or my back to try and get me in the mood. When I'm on top and he reaches up to fondle my breasts, his hands are awkward and I move them away. He's too gentle with me, but when I ask for harder he hurts me.I try to tell him what I like, even simply like harder or softer, and it's nice for awhile. But the very next time we have sex it's back to the old. He's reluctant to try new things, and it's never his idea. I want to teach him what I like, but it's been almost a year. I'm no sexpert, I'm getting tired of trying. I don't think bluntly telling him that he's bad in bed, or that we're not compatible, would give him the confidence to be creative and figure it out. I'm at a point where I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?
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best friend, breasts, confidence, in the mood, orgasm Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): I would stop sayin anything actions speak louder,so I would simply take control and show this guy Wat I Wat u wanted and then give him give him the choice!!!!!! Good Luck Girl ,hang n there!!!!!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 November 2012):
 I think you make a good and reasonable argument there. It is understandable that you overlook things at the beginning of a relationship, people generally do overlook the red flags. It's also common for things you thought were cute and adorable, to later bother you and make you resent the other person.
At this stage, it is well worth to ask the question, why are you still in this relationship? Has it run it's course? Can people really change? Can you settle for less, can he improve? Maybe, but it is very likely that this can not change. Both you and him need to be aware that things might be bad, and not work out, without it being the fault of either of you. You simply may not be compatible. And love for one another isn't everything in a partnership, there are many pieces that need to match each other before we are happy and content. Sexual satisfaction is one piece, that matter a great deal. Because without the sex, in essence there is little that separates a relationship from a friendship.
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A
female
reader, allyadelphine +, writes (2 November 2012):
allyadelphine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChigirl, I think you are both wrong and right. I thought about things, the possibility that it is my fault. I've gotten in contact with a local counseling center and I hope to talk things out with a professional. When we first got together I was hot for my boyfriend all the time. He didn't even have to do anything, I was just ready to go. I was attracted to his personality(we were friends for years) and the newness of the relationship. I overlooked the bad things: kissing style, his hairy back, 320lbs at 5'7, that he only does laundry once a month... because I was blinded by love and desire. In that way, no, it's not his fault that I don't want to have sex with him. He hasn't changed, I have.
But now I have this problem. The things that didn't bug me then, do now. He's not the best father, he's lazy, he's not passionate about sex, never really in the moment, I'm not physically attracted to him..etc I still get sexually excited, I masterbate, I have fantasies... And he's a part of none of it. It's a vicious cycle now, he's not great in bed, so I avoid having sex with him, he doesn't learn anything but the idea of awkward sex turns me off from trying. I want to try, but I'm mad that he doesn't make an effort... But I think that the root of the problem is mine emotionally and mentally. I emotionally push him away when he does something wrong.
There is a such thing as one person being bad at sex in the relationship though. My last relationship lasted three years, good, passionate sex the whole time. One of the reasons I stayed in it so long. I always noticed my boyfriends bad kissing, but the honeymoon sex was good enough that I overlooked it. When I start talking to a counselor, I'll work on me before I tell him he's terrible.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 October 2012):
 Find a guy who you know is a careful and caring lover... and who handles you "just right" whilest in the lead-up to, and completion of, coitus.... Get your "B/F" to sit by and watch what this other guy does.... then ask him if HE is prepared to do to you what this special nice lover does.....
If he sez "yes," then give him another shot and see if he's learned anything. Regardless of whether or not he says "yes," if he goofs up on your next romantic interlude, then show him the door and tell him you're sticking with that guy who helped you with the demonstration....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 October 2012):
Have a stern conversation with him about this and tell him straight to his face that you are not happy about your sex life. Don't list up specific things he does wrong/not to your liking. A list of things is not what he needs, nor will it help. I mean, when in the moment, it is always best to have things come to you naturally, rather than trying to memorize a special instruction while getting at it. He basically needs to test and try, and you need to be very clear about what you enjoy or don't enjoy, right then and there when he does it. You also need to raise the roof a little bit, make room for some errors without that completely turning you off. You need to be flexible.
Just have a talk with him about why you're not happy, cut to the basics of it. The dynamic is off. You aren't getting in the mood, you think it's got to do with you and him not being in the honey moon any longer. My best advice to you is to work on this yourself. It's not his fault you suddenly aren't keen on the way he kisses you. You loved it before, but now you're not crazily in love with him and find faults everywhere. But that's not his fault, it's just something that happens. To make this better, stop focusing on the negatives and start on scratch, building up what you and him like and find a new sexual dymanic. For example, start having kissing sessions without sex. When he does something you don't like, you change it up a bit. But you do not get to quit just because he makes one mistake. He's not a robot.
He's not bad in bed, it takes two to tango. So if he's bad in bed then you are bad in bed too. But rather, you are stuck in a rut. My guess is you depended too much on the honey moon phase to last forever, rather than try to explore him the way you need to do when you first started having sex. Things were good at first, so you left it at that, rather than move it to the enxt level of intomacy, where you express your needs, try new things etc. You have a part to play in this stagnation, so don't try to blame it all on him.
Tell him bluntly how you feel, but do not pass blame on anyone. Fix this as a couple, as a team. You are both winners if you can make it better.
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