| A ,
anonymous
writes: My fiancee caught me taping her phone conversations. Every women I have been with has been unfaithful to me and I mistakingly suspected her of cheating. It appears I was wrong. We both love and adore each other but she is leaving. Obviously I invaded her privacy and she can't trust me but is there any sugestions on how to keep our relationship together?
View related questions:
fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (26 June 2005):
 This relationship, I'm sorry to say, is shot to pieces. If your girlfriend gives you another chance after a slap like the one you've issued her, I'd say she was mad or a masochist. You screwed up and you screwed up in a very big way. The arrogance, the presumption... my gods, it's breathtaking.
What you did was illegal in many countries and every US state I'm aware of, but on a more intimate level, you've showed the most profound disrespect for your girlfriend in descending to those depths.
No, you can't be trusted, and you've demonstrated that you're not afraid to really scrape the bottom of the Contempt Barrel when you feel justified. If you'd stoop to this, isn't it possible that this isn't the first time you'd have done something inexplicably destructive to this woman? What might you do to this poor girl in the future, the next time you get a bee in your bonnet?
You kid yourself if you say that you "love and adore" her. What's adorable about an obsession so irredeemable that you felt justified in taking the step of taping her calls? Think about that. Even if you'd been right, what would you have gained? Would you have been happier if you had proof of some imagined infidelity? Would you have then been able to go on and salvage your relationship, having successfully recorded whatever it was you expected to hear? How did you figure that this action would help you?
The challenge for you now, is to step back away from dating for a while and analyse why your other relationships ended badly. We KNOW why this one ended, but think back to the other ones where your girlfriends cheated. Do you attract, or are you attracted to, women with big issues, who need a lot of attention, and who might be inclined to stray? Are you excessively needy or clingy? Do you have problems communicating your emotions, so that you appear a "cold fish" to women? Do you come across as indifferent or are you a single-minded, workaholic type?
Without knowing more about your relationship, I'm loath to generalise too much, but it still comes back to this: the one common factor in all your failed relationships is you. There's some common thread that's running through the relationships with all the women that have cheated on you, and your mission should be to find out what it is, so you can choose something else next time.
I don't think that you're going to be able to "kiss and make up" over this, but then, maybe I'm more morally outraged about it than your girlfriend is. At the very least, you need to (as the other answer suggests) give her the tapes, apologise sincerely, and promise that if you have any further insane notions that you feel compelled to act on, that you'll speak to her first.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2005): Almost everyone who was involved with an unfaithful mate has done something crazy to test the other's fidelity. In your case, it was rather extreme but seeing that you have been burned every single time, I can see why you taped her conversations. But you were wrong on that one and you should openly admit that to her, ask for her forgiveness and if possible, give her all the tapes of her conversations with others. Tell her your reasons, promise to never do it ever again (and keep it)and hope she'll come back. If she does not and it is a possibility because a breach of trust has been broken, try examining all your past relationships and learn from them. Maybe you are dating women with a history of infidelity. If so, you may have to break the pattern and start fresh. Open your eyes, there are millions of single and faithful women out there. Best wishes.
...............................
A
reader, gem4044 +, writes (25 June 2005):
I think that you were wrong to tape your fiancee's conversations but i think if you just explain how you really feel she should if she loves you enough take you back but you really have to mean that you're sorry and really mean that you wont do it again. Not everyone is a cheater and if they do happen to cheat on you then its their loss! I also think that if you cant trust your fiancee then maybe you shouldnt be in that relasonship!
...............................
|
