A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:How do you tell if someone is an alcoholic? I've looked up a few websites, but they all have questions to diagnose yourself as having a problem with alcohol, not another person.This may seem like a silly question, but my sister lives on the other side of the country and so I can't observe her drinking habits. She lives alone and I suspect that if her problems are due to alcohol, that she is hiding her habit from her friends, or at least from the ones that I know. She also doesn't have a job (has a large settlement from her ex, and didn't work when she was married.)Her personality started changing around the time she and her ex separated -- she became withdrawn, depressed, and angry, but won't go to counselling. She doesn't follow through when she makes commitments, cancelling at the last minute. (We had plans to get together 8 different times last year; we actually got together twice.) She's alienated her best friend of 40 years, and is doing her best to alienate me, by lying to us, cancelling plans to see us, denying responsibility for her actions, and so on.My sister had always been a social drinker, and I'm worried that she's increased her drinking because of her depression over her divorce. How can I tell from this distance? She didn't drink much when I did see her, or at least she hid it well. I wasn't looking for evidence that she was drinking, either.Thanks for your help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2014):
 “Signs include, walking around with a flask of alcohol. Often times they hide their drink in juice or soda bottle when they leave the house. You can smell it on them, they always smell of alcohol. They drink excessively everyday. Oftentimes it is the first thing they do when they wake up. They get severe anxiety and their body shakes when they are not drinking.”
The above statement is not accurate for all alcoholics.
My alcoholic husband has a flask when we are on vacation for our yearly 10 day retreat. Sometimes he just carries the giant bottle of scotch with him instead of the flask.
He never hides his drink in anything but a shot glass… but then he never drinks when he’s out and about..
He never smells of alcohol if he’s not actively drinking, so I would not say “They always smell of alcohol”
HE does NOT drink excessively every day. There are days he does not drink at all. There are days he drinks just beer, there are days he drinks beer and scotch and then there are days he kills almost an entire 750 ml bottle of scotch. Just because a person does not drink or use every day does not mean there is not an addiction problem.
He never drinks first thing in the morning. He does not have DTs or anxiety when not drinking.
He’s not sloppy or unkempt ever.
The information offered by anonymous female is probably based on personal experience with an addict or alcoholic. So is mine. EVERYONE’S addiction is different.
OP based on your follow up it sounds like your sister is hurting deeply from the loss of her marriage and is not coping well with it. KUDOS to you for being a good sister and attempting to determine the issue. It's got to be hard being so far away.
I am leaning towards depression and PTSD over the divorce... therapy may help if she's ready to heal but she may be using her depression as a cover and shield to keep others away.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): Hi, this is the OP. I tried posting a followup yesterday but it didn't get flagged as such (it's the one that starts, "I've been thinking for months that my sister is depressed ...") I hope this one is flagged as a followup.
Anyway, I suspected alcohol instead of drugs because it's always been my sister's mood enhancer of choice. Point taken, though, that she could be abusing anything.
I visited hr a few weeks ago, and didn't notice anything. Then again, I wasn't looking, either.
But, from what you've all said, it's not likely that she's abusing anything, which eases my mind somewhat. I do appreciate that -- thanks to all who've responded!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): Why are you so convinced it is alcohol? It could be anything. Pain killers, illegal drugs. And yes when people become withdrawn it usually means they are hiding something. Often times it is an addiction of some sort. It is hard to tell from a distance if it is alcoholism and usually the signs of an alcoholic go unnoticed unless you are with them everyday watching them abuse their habit. Signs include, walking around with a flask of alcohol. Often times they hide their drink in juice or soda bottle when they leave the house. You can smell it on them, they always smell of alcohol. They drink excessively everyday. Oftentimes it is the first thing they do when they wake up. They get severe anxiety and their body shakes when they are not drinking. Because they're often severely intoxicated it changes the chemistry in their brain so oftentimes they make poor decisions which lands them into trouble. DUI's are common. Getting into fights. Missing work. If you are concerned maybe it is time you pay her a visit. Even if it's uninvited. Just go check on her. That is what I would do if I was worried about someone's well being.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): I've been thinking for months that my sister is depressed, and have been trying to convince her to get counselling. She always agrees, but then never goes. I've offered to make the appointment for her, offered to go with her, everything I could think of, but nothing works. I know that she has to want to get better, but it's so hard to watch and not be able to do anything.
Then last night, I remembered that she's always had a tendency to drink more when she's stressed, and of course she's been very stressed for the past year. So I started wondering if I've totally missed something.
Thank you, aunts and uncles, for the reassurance that my sis hasn't fallen down that hole.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 February 2014):
From a distance it's going to be hard. He behavior does not strike me as alcoholic in my experience. I am married to an active alcoholic.
For what it's worth, I've seen him go days without having a drink. He is not drunk all the time or every night even. He is not always a happy drunk, or an angry drunk, or a funny drunk. He is never a depressive feel sorry for himself drunk so I don't associate drinking with the behaviors your describe.
Her behavior could be depression or even a form of PTSD due to a divorce after a long marriage. It could be alcohol, or drugs.
Sadly if it is substance abuse there is very little you can do. Making an addict or alcoholic go to rehab before they are ready is a waste of time money and hope...
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (9 February 2014):
 It's a fair question. It's hardly unheard of for isolated, lonely people to turn to drinking. But as another poster pointed out, what you describe could just as easily be depression. Or it might just be that she prefers to be, and be left, alone. It's not something that can be diagnosed from a distance.
If you were to spend a week with her you would have a far better idea if drinking were the problem. It would be unusual for a full-blown alcoholic to abstain for a week without issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): I'm not sure why you think it's alcoholism.
It sounds like depression or like she's lost the will to live.
Maybe visit her for a week and spend time with her. Talking and hanging out. See if she'll open up and how you can help. It's hard to speculate when you see each other twice a year.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): The fact that she does all these things doesn't mean she has problems with alcoholism. She might be just doesn't want to see you this often or her friend. Friendship change, may be they just fell appart.I don't even know why you have this notion that she has problems with alcogol. If she was not drinking much when you were there how did you even come up with an idea of her being an alcoholic? Alcoholism is an addiction, and if you we're there for quite awhile you would notice the smell on her breath, slurped speech and other indication that she drinks. Many times people misdiagnose and think if a person drinks more than average, this person is an alcoholic which is not a fact. Regulationon US is 7 drinks a week for a woman. But there is a huge difference between a 150 lb woman and 110 lb woman. For a woman who weighs 150lb 2 drinks will be nothing, for a110lb woman one drink will nock her out. Some people drink 2 drinks everyday without ever becoming alcoholics and never increasing their dose. My housekeeper used to drink 4-5 shots of cherry every day until she passed away at the age of 82. Does it make her an alcoholic? Alcoholism is when people don't have a stop sign in their heads. When they start they can't stop. In my opinion it's the most significant indication. They drink for days, from morning to night until they pass out. They might sober up just to start the cycle over again. If your sister drinks socially nly sheis far from being an alcoholic.
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