A
male
age
51-59,
*anc
writes:Ive had a girlfriend for 4 and a half years. I met her on an online chatroom , which i was initially dubious about. We started dating and i feel deeply in love with her. After around 3 months i started to have a gut feeling that she was not being honest with me when i wasn't with her and i looked on her phone... I found message after message from her ex where she was clearly flirting with him at times when she had told me she was asleep, after telling me she was tired...It was devastating, felt like my world collapsed. I spoke to her asking (again) if she had heard from him in any way. She denied it and actually started crying stating that i should believe her and couldnt take the constant paranoia?!?I then told her i saw her phone... At that point i should have walked away but after the tears and talks i gave her another chance...As time went by she started keeping her phone in her pocket and on silent and hid it in her well folded dressing gown when we went to sleep. In an argument she blocked me on her facebook and her friend did the same... I was constantly getting gut feelings about stuff and found out she had seen her ex again... We split up. But foolishly after a few months we got back together, she spent hours reassuring me that she only met him because he owed her money... We even talked bout marriage such was my love for her..A month ago i was looking at pictures from a nightclub we used to goto and i swear i could see her on the background with a guy all over her... She denies she ever went out that night. I have walked away because i believe i have been lied to by a serial cheat but its eating me up because i love her so much. There are many other reasons and things done that have made me not trust her. I think my self esteem must be so low. My heads telling me how stupid i am and keep well away from her but my heart misses her so much...What should i do and does any other men out there get this crap happening to them. I have changed so much in a negative way and feel so stupid and worthless... Whilst she just cracks on...
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male
reader, Manc +, writes (11 February 2014):
Manc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm sorry, i never meant to portray that I thought all people in chatrooms are cheats... They are not. I said i was dubious. Probably should have said 'wary' or 'cautious' because of a few 'incidents' involving my ex on that particular site..But the expression, once bitten, twice shy is where im at in regards of chatrooms...
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 February 2014):
 OP, I was NOT seeking a "thata girl" I was pointing out your false believe that meeting folks in chat rooms means they are cheaters....
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A
male
reader, Manc +, writes (11 February 2014):
Manc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAhhhh, so reassuring to hear so many views and experiences... My ex was so good at convincing me that she loved me and would NEVER do anything to hurt me and meeting her ex was purely innocent and she never told me to 'protect me from being paranoid and upset. (pathetic) But how convenient are the lies... Funny how the signs surface tho, and how obvious they are when looking back. She would, on many occasions, be sooo stressed and almost chain smoke, she also on days where we could just lie in together, would be out of bed before i woke up and would always say that she couldn't lie in bed once awake!?!? It was never this way before. I think the guilt was eating her up in these cases and i can now understand that stress levels must peak if you had to constantly, lie, hide and make up stories to cover tracks... She also, managed to have everyone think it was me being moody and not nice, and all for no reason... Very clever stuff... I think we should get our ex's together ms anonymous, it sounds as if they are a match made in heaven...Your analysis of the mindset and illness is spot on. I agree full heartedly. She was an extremely vain woman. Spending easily an hour putting on makeup to even goto the local shops and had pictures (about 4 of them) of herself (ridiculous pouting poses) on the walls of her bedroom... I can draw similarities in the aftermath as well. I mean, how evil is he to go and corrupt your best friend? He does wrong and still feels the need to hurt you? I got the same treatment. How can that behaviour be justified? Its crazy... You are a very decent, thoughtful person, and I'm sure that when you decide to start dating again you will find someone worthy who you can trust and who deserves to be called your partner... I need to seriously heal my wounds and exorcise all the negative thoughts and feelings i have been left with... I know this will take time...Many thanks for your comment Ilifton... It is hard isn't it... If your forgiving with the wrong person it leaves an even worse aftertaste, but i guess at this point you can clearly see how worthless your feelings are to your partner and how little they love and respect you... Im still raw with pain, but know i have done the right thing. I hope the cloud lifts at some point soon...
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 February 2014):
 You don't have to be a man to experience this crap.
I dated a woman just like your ex. Serial liar/cheater. She cheated over and over again. I kept forgiving her against my better judgement because like you, I loved her so much, so I wanted to believe she would change for me. But it only kept happening again and again. Once I finally got away, I was able to see just how terrible and toxic she was. It was a breath of fresh air, but I was also left with the aftermath of all my trust issues/anger, etc.
That wasn't a good time for me. But getting away is the best thing you can do for yourself. She's not a good person. Good people don't lie and cheat like that. you're way better off.
Good luck, my friend. Stay strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): Oh and I want to add, breaking up with him wasn't easy. Even though I knew in my heart it had to end, even though I couldn't tolerate another second of the misery he offered me, it was still so hard. I can't tell you how many nights I cried myself to sleep. But looking back, I think it was because my self esteem was so shot because of how badly he treated me, how little worth he had invested into me with all the cheating, that I felt like the smallest most insignificant person in the world. Because that is how he made me feel. Ironically, though, every day without him I felt better and better. Because the people that did remain in my life DID LOVE ME. They were looking out for me and they had my best interest at heart. They wanted the BEST for me. And because no longer having him in my life, a person who showed me through their actions that I am "worthless" and that I mean nothing, made it so much easier to pick myself back up. So I had my friends, my co workers, my family, even perfect strangers boosting my sense of pride. Reminding me why I am wonderful and why they love me and why I deserve so much more. And at the same time I no longer had someone in my life making me think the opposite. Surround yourself with people who value you and who love you and shun the ones who bring you down. That is the best way to heal. It won't happen overnight. But you will get there. Just BE STRONG. And don't forget who you are. And allow those who love you to remind you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): Hi Manc! I was with my ex for two years and I experienced all the same things you did. The putting the blame back on me for all his shortcomings was a daily routine in our relationship. It's called manipulation. He never owned up or took responsibility for anything. Even when he was wrong and out of line, somehow he would twist the sequence of events around so that it would always end up being my fault. I fell for it each and every time for two years. I actually believed him. They do that to buy themselves time. So that you will take the fall and take their blame for them and they can continue to get away with whatever their heart desires. It is also a way to control you. For people like this it is all about control (and this all goes back to insecurity). We eventually broke up because I drove him away and he left. I was fed up with him and wanted him out of my life once and for all, I couldn't stand him anymore and I kicked and yelled and screamed till he finally vanished to never return. I have never felt more relieved in my life when he left. I was simply relieved when he left. I didn't know any other way to get rid of him. People like that don't understand normal boundaries. They don't walk away easily because they enjoy the "game." To them it's all a game. When you say it is over, they don't believe you and they will call you again in a week to try to charm you again as if nothing happened. So I went straight for the ego and attacked like a lioness to get rid of him. And it worked. He was gone! But of course, that wasn't the end. He couldn't just get lost. He had to hurt me some more. He left and immediately turned to my best friend. He started hanging around my best friend and charming her. It worked, obviously she wasn't much of a friend herself. But looking back I know he did it to hurt me. People who are serial cheaters have bigger problems than just being cheaters. The cheating is just a symptom. More likely than not, serial cheaters are usually sociopaths and have anti social personality disorder. This is a fact. These people are extremely sick. You wouldn't want to marry and have a future or family with someone like that. That would be setting yourself up for a train wreck of a future. Should you ever want to marry or have children you need to be selective of the woman you choose, one with a good head on her shoulders, who knows about respect, who respects her husband, who respects the tenets of marriage and commitment. Not some nut job, manipulative cheater who clearly has pathological mental illness and is out to hurt everybody in her path. All I know is that you weren't dealing with a normal person. She does not understand love and respect. She probably scoffs and laughs at those two concepts because she is sick. Just be happy and feel lucky that she is gone. She is darkness, she is not a good person and you can do better if you give yourself the chance.
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A
male
reader, Manc +, writes (10 February 2014):
Manc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo very confused...'Good on ya' ....
NEVER drop or lower your standards even if your reality has been distorted by those who have acted that way with you.. Cyber hi-five for that.. Im glad i never 'lowered my standards' and kept my morals in tact..
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2014):
FWIW, I have met folks in chat rooms. My last husband for one... and while HE was a liar and a cheater I never have lied or cheated on a partner in my life.
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A
male
reader, Manc +, writes (10 February 2014):
Manc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the comments.... I was dubious enough meeting anyone from a chatroom. I learnt my lesson there and dont frequent any. To the anonymous female, im sorry to hear you went through the same kind of experience. Yes they do make you feel like s***t and worthless and even make you question whether its your fault or because of you, but, by far the worst things were the lies, denial and me having to look for the evidence and proof. I hated doing this but was intent on not being taken for a fool... She was so good at covering her tracks though, an expert almost. (Probably gained through all her experience in the past) She would reverse arguments, talk away reasons her phone was never around etc and then reverse it on me... She had reasons for everything including her meeting her ex and me finding out after the event and even blocking me for nearly 2 years on facebook :-/ . It became almost intolerable and sooo frustrating. I totally and full heartedly believe cheaters are primarily insecure people, and i think she was very much so. Were you with your boyfriend long? What was the straw that broke the preverbial camels back and made you finish your relationship? I walked away after seeing the pictures of her in a club with another man, funnily enough when i was djing on the same night (not there tho). I have "grown a pair" i just needed to have something more than gut feelings to finish things properly but in the future im going to rely on my instincts...Thats for sure... Time is the great healer yea!!! I will get back on the dating ladder at some point. Just trying to find myself again and concentrate on the things i love and that make me, me... Thanks for your comments again :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): Cheaters will do that to you. They make you feel like ^^^t. They just don't respect people. A lot of it though comes from insecurity. They tend to be very insecure people with a huge sense of entitlement. My ex boyfriend was a cheater and similar to your case, clues started to surface about three months after dating. I noticed shady text messages with another girl of whom I didn't even know of. He said it was an ex girlfriend from high school and that they were just friends (even though the texts were full on flirtatious in nature). I forgave him I guess even though he never really owned up to it and told me he didn't do anything wrong. Cheaters never accept responsibility. And of course it kept happening. He would be in touch with girls from his past who had no clue I even existed. It was humiliating and it was maddening. It all just became exhausting. And of course he always had an excuse for being in contact with them. We broke up 8 months ago. While I still miss him weirdly enough I think it is more because I am lonely than anything else. I have been single since and haven't dated much. That doesn't help. I should...But mostly I am glad I got that nightmare out of my life. Nobody deserves that. Seriously you need to grow a pair and just forget this girl. How could you love someone who cheats on you? Just move on and give her a taste of what life is like without you. At the same time allow yourself the opportunity to enjoy life with people who do love you and respect you. Get out there and meet other girls. Even if you have to force yourself. Time heals all wounds and the more time that goes by without her the more it will hit you what a loser she is for what she did. And you will probably realize you can't even stand her. And then at that point she will probably be the one pining over you. Get rid of this girl and start dating again.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (10 February 2014):
Going forward, it would probably best to look for mates at places other than internet chat rooms....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 February 2014):
 If her daughter is "in on it" I would assume that her behavior wasn't new, it's WHO she is with just about any man. At least for as long as she can get away with it.
And throwing it back in your face rather then face her own actions is pretty TYPICAL cheater mentality. Offense is the best defense. If they can throw you off their game by making YOU feel bad, you might not focus on them so much, yes? And it actually works (for a while).
Be glad you are out of this dysfunctional relationship. It would only be even more downhill from now on. So CUT the contact 100% with her. Don't let her talk her way back into your life.
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A
male
reader, Manc +, writes (9 February 2014):
Manc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for the responses, they were both so helpful. One amazing thing about this particular liar/cheat was her ability to always avoid accusations by reversing them back on me and try to make me feel bad for not trusting her in the first place. She did this so well and i struggled because she was so good at covering her tracks. Her daughter (20 years old) was even aware and played a role in the lies... Im not proud of myself for snooping on her phone and violating her privacy rights, but, had i not done that i would have had no evidence at all as she was more than happy to lie to me... It ended that she justified relentlessly hiding her phone in her well folded dressing gown, keeping it in her pocket etc because i looked on it and she didnt trust me... All this whilst constantly telling me that she loved me and that i was the only one... I felt so troubled though in her presence, couldnt relax, was questioning everything and analysing constantly... She would accuse me of changing and hence the relationship spiralled downwards...Thankyou so much for the constructive points and pointers.... I need to sort my self esteem out, rebuild my life,recover from the broken heart and bitterness its left with. No more chances!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 February 2014):
Meeting her in a chat-room doesn't mean she is going to be a cheat. However, when you get suspicious to the point where you ignore her right to privacy (GO THROUGH her phone) and find "bad stuff" - you should KNOW right then and there that THIS IS WHO she is.
When she then starts to HIDE her phone, you should ACCEPT that she hasn't changed.
I get that you WANTED her to be the GREAT GIRL that you feel in love with, however, she wasn't.
Her behavior wasn't about you, but unintentionally you enabled her to do it OVER AND OVER, by forgiving her. THIS is who she is. Not because YOU are a mug, who wants love so bad that he forgives behavior that erodes a good relationship, but because SHE WANTED to do as she pleased. Whether it hurt you or not.
So, instead of YOU feeling stupid and worthless - ACCEPT that SHE was the stupid one. She treated a good guy (you) like dirt and SHE is the worthless one. Because the only way SHE can feel good about herself is by having multiple "emotional affairs" and not being able to STICK with one man. That really is her loss, but your gain because you will have learned a few things from this.
1. don't accept all kind of crappy behavior from someone who claims they "love you".
2. TRUST your gut. You could have saved yourself SO much heart ache if you had listened to it. You already "knew" instinctively 3 months into it that something was wrong. Next time TRUST that instinct.
Chin up, there are good women out there to.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 February 2014):
Make this all worth it and learn a lesson from your mistakes.
First things first, when you accuse someone of cheating and they cry, no matter what words come out of their mouth, they're guilty.
Second, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." I'd never give someone a third chance. At that point they showed you who they are and promises won't change that.
Third, it's not about you, it's about her. Unless you obviously neglected her reasonable needs then you didn't bring this on. She is just a liar and a cheater. You could have been anybody. You guys are just incompatible.
Next time, try to find someone who you're more compatible with, don't ignore your instincts (unless you're overly paranoid) and don't be afraid to say goodbye. My experience is that every time you break up with someone you're one step closer to finding the right person for you.
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