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female
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anonymous
writes: Hey I'm a 24 year old white, non-religious woman. I met my current muslim boyfriend 6 years ago at college. When we started dating at 21 (we are the same age) I was warned by my mother and friends that his family and beliefs may pose a problem. I of course ignored these. (We had decided to keep the relationship a secret from his parents just to make things easier - Not even my bf knew how they'd react). The first 2 years were amazing, it was just fantastic. However recently there have been bad things happening that are worrying me...a lot. (This is not him at all).OK now this is complicated and long, sorry.Recently his brother of 24 announced to his family that he was marrying a white women (like myself)and his family hit the roof! She offered to convert because they love each other very much (us four regularly meet). They still didn't revise this proposal - now to me it seems they are racist etc. I also recently found out that my bf's parents had an arranged marriage... however it gets worse. When my boyf and his family returned from their annual visit to Pakistan - it seemed that his brother had 'chosen to remain there to bring up a family'. It is rumoured that he has been forced to stay there against his free will. My boyf's brother's gf is of course devastated...My boyfriend and myself are madly in love and these problems of course are not caused by him...but if this has happened to his brother...what would happen to me? My wild guess is...the same. I had a joking convo with my boyf saying that he may be ripped away away from my grasp and sent away to Timbuktu...and he simply said that he would 'run away'. If his family didn't want him to be happy then they could 'f**k themselves'. Now at the moment I am thanking god that our relationship is a secret to his family.Now finally (sorry) to the question. What do I do? I asked a few people and they've said 'get out'. I love him so much and it isn't his fault whatsoever that this has happened - you can't choose your family and I know being a muslim it is common to be loyal to your family.Do I 'get out'?Carry on and keep things a secret?What if our relationship gets to the marriage stage, will the same fate greet him?If people could share their views it would be much appreiciatedMany thanks
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male
reader, malaysianfeet +, writes (24 January 2006):
I am a Indian of a similar race to your boyfriend. I reside in Malaysia. My grandparents originated from India before Independence thereat. I am not a Muslim. Was raised in a Hindu family. I am 48 and have yet seen no reason at all to acknowledge any current religious practise. I have pursued, with an open mind, indepth into the religion of Islam. You'd be surprised of how human fallacy can be the cause of a religion like Hinduism or Islam to be placed on a pedestal. Its an emotional issue. Its operative word isnt 'reason' but 'belief'. I studied the origins of Hinduism and Islam. I have seen how much rubbish has been interpreted and how much human kind has suffered. The facts: When you are married to him ( even if his family was to accept you ) you are his servant. He can divorce you on any ground. Yes, its all roses now. But when the thorns emerge, that's when you will be in for a nightmare. Fact 2: His family is racist. Its nothing to do with religion. Religion is an excuse. Racism is the reason. You are white. That's enough for them. You are in for disaster. I not only know; I UNDERSTAND. You dont.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2005): I totally agree with Bev. I have been in a similar situation to yours and we kept it a secret but one day he walked away. You should follow your head instead of your heart.
Best wishes and Merry christmas.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (24 December 2005):
 In my own opinion - VERY unreligious, Western, middle-aged white woman - your boyfriend is an adult and responsible for his own decisions. In simple terms, he can marry whomever he wants, regardless of his family's feelings. Whatever his family thinks or threatens is really irrelevant.
However (and this is a big "however"), you and he also have to consider the long-term implications of choosing to be together, when it's plain his family might have trouble accepting you, and what an impact the choice of being with you will have on his life, culture and relationship with his family and his religious community.
From where I stand, your boyfriend is already putting his family's happiness ahead of yours, by not admitting your relationship. Their ignorance of your dating their son is more important to him than the chance that they might actually accept and like you, so he's chosen not to introduce you to them.
So what I see is a boyfriend who is embarrassed by the fact that he loves you in defiance of convention and, if things come to the crunch with his family, won't stand up for you or your relationship with him. Then I see a family that's already demonstrated a perfect willingness to play 'hardball' with what they see as a son who won't toe their religious line, by effectively incarcerating their other son in their culture in Pakistan.
Do you really have what it takes to deal with these headaches, day after day, year after year? Because I can see this battle being waged for decades, particularly if you and your boyfriend should consider having kids in future. You in-laws-to-be would almost certainly expect that your children would be raised Muslim, you know.
Although you love your boyfriend, I think you'd be better off cutting your losses now, and leaving him, to date a person who will at least demonstrate the personal integrity to be proud of you and your relationship. This man might be good to you the way things stand, but I doubt he's going to have the intestinal fortitude to stand up to all the roadblocks his family are going to throw up in years to come. That is, unless you're willing to convert to Islam - and that's an entirely different, major, life-changing issue!
Don't you deserve at least a partner who loves you enough to admit it to his family and community?
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