A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need help urgently!! I have been with my boyfriend now for over 2 years. I suspect him of cheating and we going to sort it out tomorrow evening after work etc... He had denied it all and my reason for suspecting him is I know him better than anyone, he isnt himself, I can't ever see his phone anymore, he is out alot away from me and has a shower immediately when he comes in and not just that he is always on the computer. However, my problem is I know if he is cheating he will worm his way back in ... how do I tell him how I feel without him manipulating what I am saying? I don't know for sure but I want to talk it over which is the best way to do this? I am in such a state, I cant eat think sleep or drink at the momemnt. I don't know if I am being paranoid which is why I want to talk. The problem is how do I tell him without offending or insulting him and getting it out direct. I tend to stutter and back track. Sorry if this answer is all over the place it refelcts my head at the moment.Any help would be appreciated thanks xx Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): Your best bet is ti run an Online Infidelity Investigation on him www.emailrevealer.com.Gets the facts first , then confront him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey people thanks so much I know what I have to do but it's so difficult to be strong we are meeting up tomorrow evening so I will let you know how things go and the outcome .. Thanks again alot I feel glad just getting it off my chest now xx
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive  +, writes (26 January 2009):
Unfortunately, once we talk to them about it and let them know we are suspicious, if they are really cheating, they will more than likely deny it, and get better at covering their tracks. Then it becomes even more difficult to catch them at their game.
I am assuming that taking a shower as soon as he comes in is a new behavior? And one to me that would be alarming, and possibly a red flag. His being protective of his phone is another red flag.
If you must talk this over with him, maybe you could make a list of things you want to talk over, to guide you as you speak. This will help if you tend to get nervous. After all, not that you are making a speech per se, but many people who will be making a speech make notes of their key points of the speech, which aids them as they talk. It helps them to remember what they want to say.
My own thoughts and advice from what I've read is wait and watch and observe, though this can be very difficult when we're already distressed about what may or may not be going on.
Cheaters are very good at being manipulative, and having an excuse for each and every thing we bring up to them. Then we start to think we're the crazy ones for suspecting them and thinking anything's amiss in the first place.
If he is not cheating and he really wants to prove it to you, then he will make himself accountable to you. Most of them rarely agree to this though. It can put a strain on the relationship if you are watching his every move and he knows it. It will make him feel suffocated and may make him run the other way. It just depends on how strong he feels about you and how much he wants to make the relationship work.
When we think they're cheating, yes, it makes our heads spin with confusion.
Some people tend to think that the partner that thinks cheating is occurring is insecure and lacks self-esteem. That is not necessarily the case! We see different red flags, different behaviors, different circumstances, different signs, which lead us to question what may be going on. It usually doesn't happen out of the blue for no reason. Something (or some things) has tipped us off. Are we being paranoid? Perhaps sometimes, but not always.
Try doing a little on-line research on cheating and infidelity to see if there are any other telltale signs to help you connect the dots. There are plenty of other signs of cheating, but you've mentioned enough that would make me worry.
And try not to focus on how what you say might make him feel. Focus on your own feelings and your need to communicate them to him. If you do talk to him, try to remain calm vs. getting angry. Your point will come across better. And he will be more likely to listen. Try to explain to him why each of his behaviors is making you suspicious. If he really loves you, he will listen, and he will be concerned. He will want to reassure you and he will want to prove to you that nothing is going on. If he gets angry and defensive, then he is probably guilty.
Good luck, and let us know how things are going.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): I think you need to trust your gut, it is never wrong...there is something that is not right with your relationship, whether or not he is cheating remains to be seen, but he is not an open book with you....and this is what you may ask him..
I know it is not your purpose to hurt me, but it makes me feel insecure that you are hiding your phone calls from me, showering immediately after getting home, and ignoring me by staying on the computer so much. Is there something going on that I don't know about, porn, another woman?
I think you owe me the truth, because our relationship is based on trust, and for some reason my instincts are telling me there is something up with you? I don't need false reassurance, what I need is my boyfriend back or the truth as to why you are acting so uncharacteristically private.
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