A
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*uy619
writes:My gf was crying again yesterday. She says that she has given up so much to be with me. She gave up her accommodation which was rent free for the last 4 years. This she regarded as her independance. She wants a house with land and outbuildings to turn in to a studio - basically a 'nice situation' as she refers to it. Last night she remembered that it was her grandmothers birthday but that she had forgotten to send a card. She asked if we could send some flowers and although I was working I arranged this. I was happy to do this but she made no offer to share the cost even though it is her Grandmother and that I have only met her 4 times. It's true that I am too deep in this relationship to be objective. I do feel that she has some issues that she needs to deal with, perhaps with a counsellor but I aslo know that she has nothing. If I leave her - (even for a while - to see if she can face her issues) I feel she will struggle, both financially and emotionally, and it really gets to me if I think of her like this. She seems depressed and is wishing she were 10 years younger because I think she is realising she has spent 20 years 'enjoying' herself and not having children. This seems now to be really affecting her and I feel terribly sorry for her. I wanted children and would still but I now feel that she is so desperate that it is more important for her to try for a baby than to be with the right person. Is it possible that the biological clock could produce this? Surely having a baby puts strain on a relationship and for that reason alone one needs to be with the 'right' person. I feel second or third or last choice. Maybe I shouldn't view it like this but it screams at me that she doesn't want me but a life style and a baby. Because of this I have unconciously begun to withdraw from her. I hate to feel this and never thought I would. I have almost given up trying to be intimate or even feeling this. It is sad to me that my feelings are so mangled and crushed and that she has only just started to wake up to what is important in life.I think she needs to work or pursue something in her life rather than drift from day to day. But she will not get a job unless it fits in to her narrow area of work interest. She has done one job this year and sold a few hundred pounds worth of creative work. I both feel sorry for her and admire her resiliance in not giving up. Its not a good combination of feelings. thank you for your continued support. It is starting to clarify things for me by sharing my situation. For too long I have been locked in to this alone.Thanks for your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): With regard to the 'baby' issue I do know that when the biological clock starts ticking that it is all consuming especially where time is of the essence. I would imagine this is the case with your girlfriend. It would not be a case that she would want a baby with anyone but she does want one with you. It is a very destructive emotion and clouds all judgement. I too wanted another child desperately and when you are in that frame of mind nothing else matters. You become very depressed and its difficult. My partner also withdrew from me as he felt used and required solely for his semen, this wasn't true but it is what he felt like. Also when you have no money coming in and your dreams are not being fulfilled this all adds a strain to the relationship. Your girlfriend is clearly depressed. I would suspect her major issue is wanting a baby and you can help her here by being interested in her getting pregnant if you genuinely are or at the very least by discussing the issue in depth. When women are in that state of mind their partners do take a back seat which I agree is very unfair. However, I don't think for a moment you are anything but first in her life, she is just very upset about wasted time. I would suggest you both go to see a fertility expert who may be able to reassure her or put her mind at rest. i agree her not bringing in any money by not working and not paying for the flowers is infuriating to say the least but she gave up her home to be with you so she probably expects to be supported in some way. I personally would go nuts over the flowers having had a number of similar experiences where I have ended up paying for stuff that had f' all to do with me but I suppose its all part of lifes rich tapestry.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 November 2009):
It almost sounds like she's suffering from a female midlife crisis. There are some aspects of her life she now regrets, and she's probably feeling very low about it all at the moment, especially if she hasn't had children and did want them. You really need to talk to her and quickly, because it has been known for women who have left it late to latch onto a man only for the want of a child. (Not all though). She needs to be honest about what she wants from you. She claims that she has given up so much to be with you, as if you are a burdon on her life. You need to talk to her and be honest with her. Ask her why she appears to be so disinterested in you, and ask her what it is that she wants from your relationship. Hope it works out.
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