A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a student at university and I think one of my friends is having an affiar with a lecturer. I have asked her and she says she is not but I don't believe her. They are always together around campus and I am sure I have seen them flirting. Like he looks at her when other people are talking to him and they tease eachother a lot. When I see them both together on campus and I go up to them, the conversation goes dead and sometimes he will make excuses to leave if she is also leaving. Also, she asked me to watch her computer for her in the library and I sort of took a peak at her email account (I know I shouldn't have done) and I was really shocked at the amount of times they have emailed eachother. I read a couple of them and they are personal and chatty (not to do with uni) and have really obvious sexual undertones. Even though I didn't see any actual proof that they are seeing eachother, the emails have left me with no doubt that something is going on. I don't want to go behind my friends back and report it, but I don't think it is right for a student to date a lecturer. Should I mention it to someone, or should I talk to her about it?
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female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (12 January 2011):
 To the OP, what things are you worried he will let slip about other pupils? As a lecturur there are rules of confidentiality that must be followed so he would not be allowed to give such information to anyone, not even a girlfriend. I feel your worries are misplaced there.
You say she always gets good grades and he does not teach her now, so it is highly doubtful that IF they ARE dating or sleeping together, it is for grades. Plus you say the emails you read were nothing to do with Uni, so it seems their correspondenses are mainly casual and do not exchange informations about Uni work or other students.
So the main concern here is what is RIGHT in society and morally. Of course you must do what you feel is right. You are the one who has to live with any decisions you decide to make or not to make. So ultimatly don't listen to anyone else, just do what you believe is right for you. Just remember you will have to live with the consiquences.
As for this type of relationship being "against the rules", well, it is a grey area. It is NOT against the law, so it is not mandatory that you report this. This is not abuse. They are concenting adults and he is NOT her lecturer anymore, so there is little chance of funny business going on.
Plus you have to remember you do no know for sure if they ARE having a sexual relationship. You have seen no proof, despite looking through in her inbox. Is it not possible that they may simply be friends? Or that they are not actually sleeping together? You have to remember that if you are in fact wrong about the nature of their relationship, you could lose your friendship and cause upset and issues for people that weren't nessasary.
So, where to go from here. Celtic tiger's idea to speak to your tutor about it makes sense. But I wouldn't name, names. Just explain the situation you are in ie, that you have suspisions about a student and lecturer and ask for advice on what would be appropriate actions for you to take. That way no on gets into unnessasary trouble and you find out the poilicies the University has and decide where to go from there.
If you do decide to report your friend, as a friend I would confront her first. Tell her that you are certain of what is going on and feel obliged to report it. Then at least she knows where she stands and why you have reported her. Or you can take what I personally feel is the cowards way out and give an anonymous tip off. I think, if she has been a good friend to you, she deserves to at least hear from you your reasons for reporting her. But that entirly depends on what you value more, friendship or your sense of what is right.
The issue here is that it is not so obviously wrong as if it were in high school. So do what you believe to be right.
Let us know how it goes.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): OP, celtic Tiger gave u good advice. However don't speak to your tutor. People NEVER keep things confidential.
What I do know of the universities is that u can report anonymously. This gives the 'reporter' some sort of anominity bec people often feel victimized. Or type out a letter and post it to them or type out the letter and drop it in the 'comments' box.
A lot of people who report are so fearful of being ostracised/victimised that they think twice.
We have measures in place at my work to protect 'whistleblowers'.
Good luck
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (12 January 2011):
 OP - it is not your problem if they get into trouble.
If they have done nothing wrong, then no trouble will come to them. However, if there IS something fishy going on, then the University needs to know about it.
A relationship that is all above board, open and honest is one thing, but sneaking about and lies only make people wonder.
Talk to your personal tutor. Tell them everything you have told us and ask for their advice. Say you are concerned that your friend is having an innapropriate relationship with a lecturer. They will be able to help.
But you need to say something.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesn't teach her at the moment, but he did last year and he teaches on her course. I don't know if is she is getting any extra help from him. I don't think so. The emails I looked at were nothing to do with uni and she always gets good grades anyway so I don't see why she would need to. I am worried that he is abusing his position but I'm also worried that he might let things slip about other students which is just not fair on them. The problem is that I don't have any proof and I don't want to get them into trouble if nothing is going on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): Although you do not approve of what is going on there is nothing to say that, although not adviced, it should not happen. They are both adults. It is their issue and problem. In a university situation, it is not unknown for a fling between student and lecturer to happen. Infact, when I was at college a guy I knew had a brief affair with an older female lecturer. It ended quickly and then was of embarrassment for both of them - but that was their problem. Leave well alone, that would be my advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): I usually am astounded when people say butt out, do not report and you have betrayed someone and so forth. This is bulldust.
I work in an environment where we encourage people to report any transgressions - 'whistleblowing'. If something inappropriate is going on you have an obligation to report to the authorities, most institutions also accept anonymous reports as well.
You have already asked her, she apparently lied, what more do the good Aunts want from you. You gave her a chance already now you have an obligation to do the right thing.
Turning a blindeye to apparent wrongdoing means that you are party to the wrongdoing.
So many people are willfully blind to wrongdoing therefore there is so much of corruption in this world. There are rules and regulations that need to be followed and if transgressed it needs to be reported. Simple! People sometimes know of wrongful conduct bet people, they gossip about it but choose to do nothing about it.
So OP either you learn to do the right thing and report apparent inappropriate relationships (do it anonymously and let the institution investigate) or just shut up and keep asking why the hell there is so much of corruption and deceit in this world. Your choice, I know what I would choose but then I do not worry about what others say, I try to do what is right and what sits right with my conscience. Yes it makes me unpopular but it is the right thing to do.
In my line of work I (amongst other things) train and advise people to report. The proper authoritities then investigate.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (12 January 2011):
As it stands there are legally no laws against a university lecturer having a relationship with a student.
HOWEVER, there are many moral and ethical issues which do arise with this situation. The main one being the abuse of a position of trust, and sex for grades.
If your friend is having a relationship, is it purely just that, or is she getting special treatment?
If she is being treated differently by this tutor, ie getting more time, more help, "advice" ie answers, then it is totally against the rules and needs to be reported.
Does he teach her any subjects?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): Hi
I think you would be best to not get involved for many reasons. Although quite correct that it should not be going on....it does. You are a friend and most certainly have done very wrong by snooping in her email accounts and you should be ashamed. Your friend may not be having an affair but they both know the risk if they are. What would you achieve by dobbing your friend in? it won't earn you any qualifications only in betraying friendship and stiring trouble up, possibly jepordizing a man's career.
My cousin at 18 fell inlove with her lecturer and they knew
that it was taboo. He left his post by his free will, they married...moved to Newzealand and have two beautiful children 18 & 20.
IF ...and i state IF!!!! they are having an affair then give them chance to work this out in the correct manner. It is their life and really has nothing to do with you unless you are jealous of course...often the case ...spiteful people dob friends in. Keep your nose out of her life and emails is my advise.
spunky monkey.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (11 January 2011):
If you are her friend, don't mention it to anyone before you talk to her about it. You have betrayed her trust by reading her emails so it would not be good to tell other people about what you read.
As far as I know it is not illegal for a student at University to date a lecturer, as both are adults. It may not be moraly "right" for any teacher to date a student but when it is not against the law there is nothing you should do about it. Obviously it is frowned upon, which is why they are attempting to conceal their romance, if in fact they are actually dating.
I think, as hard as it may be, you have to separate your personal feelings about this kind of relationship from the situation for your friend's sake. You may not think it is right but if neither of them are hurting anyone, is there really a problem with it?
If you are really concerned for your friend and are worried she will get hurt, try to talk to her again. I wouldn't tell her you read her emails, she won't thank you for it.
Good luck, it's a difficult situation. But if it's really bothering you, separate yourself from it. If it doesn't affect you, you don't need to get involved.
If someone corrects me and it is in fact illegal, thats a different matter. In which case talk to your friend urgently and try to find out the truth before you think of telling anyone else. If you are wrong about it there could be serious repercussions.
But as far as I know, students do have affairs with lecturers. It just happens! If both parties are single, I say fair play. If all are adults and no one is hurt or compromised, there is nothing wrong there. that's just my opinion.
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