A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some points of view! I suffer from spouts of jealousy...always have really...and I can't deal with them very well...it's taken control of my life. For instance, if my husband and I are at the video store choosing a film, it has to be one with not too many pretty women in, or when we go out, my eye is on my husband the whole evening and I get annoyed if he leaves my side for more than 20 mins! Also, I'd almost suffer from an anxiety attack (I become really hot and raging with fear, butterflies and I'm stuck and can't seem to move) if my husband was to comment on another woman's beauty (although he doesn't anymore.) He's always complimenting me and I get alot of male attention...so I'm confident there...so why am I still this way? Even if I see the reason for me being jealous silly, I still go through the motions of a fearful child...so irrational! It's driving me crazy. It's almost like the child me and the adult me are always fighting.I've had therapy before for this problem...(my mum left my had because she was having an affair when I was 8 yrs old.. have worked through that etc...) but I just can't seem to overcome it and it's causing me problems and ruining me as a person. For years I've tried various strategies to overcoming it or rationalising it etc...It's a really scary feeling to feel...and even though the adult me sees it as irrational behaviour, my inner child doesn't and that's why I can't control it. Some suggestions would be appreciated! thank you...and am looking forward to hearing some ideas or suggestions or someone who has the same problem....anything would be such a help....: )
View related questions:
affair, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for your response!
It's interesting that you should say that...my mum reads Angel Oracle cards..she recently gave me a card reading and one of the cards was titled, Forgiveness - letting go of any anger, fear and resentment to let a healing begin -hand over your insecurities to the angels and they'll take them to God to resolve for you.
Yes, I do believe in something...whether it's God, the Universe or Angels, it all has the same terminology.
I will start praying today, thanks for the inspiration!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): I too had the same problem. Suffered the anxiety, paranoia, anger etc, every time my boyfriend would talk about other women, these included ex- wife, ex-girlfriends, his childhood female friends and even women he occasionally danced with. As a result I was constantly upset with my own self and terrified that he would leave me. I tried to find the root of the problem but it was to no avail. I tried to rationalize it but it did not work either. How can you reason with something so irrational?One day I was so upset because I had had a fight with him over the same nonsense and I was broken to pieces because I felt that there was no way out. I was having arguments with him practically every time I saw him and he has said "there is a limit to how much I can take". So as I was saying, this day I woke up in fear. It was irrational fear and anguish that make cried for hours. All of the sudden, with no relieve in sight, I prayed. I PRAYED to God to take away all the bad feelings and believe it or not, all the bad feelings are gone now and I am at peace with my self and with my boyfriend. I do not know if you are a believer or not. Either way you should try praying for the bad feelings to be taken away. It worked for me. I am sure it will work for you too. Note: You need to pray often though.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, I'll try that...I'm the sort of person where I like to wait till i'm told first...but I guess that's all part of the fear isn't it. So if I'm more forthcoming with emotions, then I guess it'll shock him a bit.When I write my journal, do I write in it about my fears and jealousy that I'm feeling at the time? aren't I supposed to not give those negative feelings any time though? it's hard cause I have to work out why those feelings keep coming back...they obviously have a need to...which subsequently goes back to the fears I developed as a child....therefore, they're habitual...You've helped me to discover that I have a fear of being left alone, not so much jealousy...which helps me to pinpoint it better. I sure hopes this works, I know what to do now so I'm focused...Will let you know how the week goes....Thank you x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSelf help books seem to go through on ear and out the other...I'll look into that....Thanks!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd habits can be defeated...not going to be easy! but I'll do my best....Thanks for your help, take care! : )
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): HiWell, when you wake up each morning, I want you to kiss your husband and tell him that you love him! Then I want you to say to yourself that today you will not get jealous at all. Then I want you to put all that aside and get completely involved in what you do! IF you feel any such thoughts trying to invade your peace, just order them to get out (verbally, but softly if you are in the crowd). And, when you are at peace, fill up your journal. Write down all that goes into your head, etc. Remember, it is a habit not an instinct, it is a bad bad habit , but habits can be broken. Do this for now... see if it helps you... try it for a week. TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. Then tell me how it went... of course you can always send me a private message about the developments and I will let you know what to do next. Take CareLove (and yeah, since you are willing to work it out, I know that you will). Love :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Hi
Thanks!
And, yeah, when i said books, I didn't mean self-help books and seminars at all (I don't much believe in either of them, honestly). I meant that you know some real stories about surviving heartache etc, real people who have gone through emotional hell and back. These real stories always inspire me, so I thought that you might also identify with a few as well as find some realistic and practical solutions to your issue!
But, naturally, the choice is all yours.
Tell me how life goes!!
Best of Luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Hi
Thanks!
Well, yeah, even I think that taking a break from someone is a bit extreme. But, you know something, I DON'T want you to think of your paranoia as anything psychological. View your bouts of jealousy as a HABIT that you have been indulging in for years and try to break this habit as one would any other (you know the way people deal with anger, or smoking or even drug abuse). And yeah, don't take this thing too seriously. Each time you feel that green monster surging, just tell yourself that you are too strong to take the bait. Order your mind to stop immediately!
That is all I have for now!!
So, take care and best of luck!!!
(Remember, it is a habit you are trying to break off, you are not doing any major psychological re-arrangement, just one bad habit you must shake off!!!)
Love
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Yes I agree that it is more fear of abandonment rather than jealousy...or maybe a mixture of the two. Women are more jealous than men aren't they....I wish I only got a twinge of jealousy like you, I get a bad bad twinge and I'd end up having a go at him, feeling totally betrayed..and feeling hurt.(although he doesn't talk to women he doesn't know...probably afraid to!!)
For a wedding present to eachother, we both had tatoos done on our backs, representing our love for eachother.
I'm a little scared at times to show my love to him, I have this care free come and get me kind of attitude. (I'm working in this though!)
So when I do feel fear, should I go and write it down? should I really feel it and rationalise it? give myself positive affirmations maybe?
Thank you for your wisdom....you've been helpful.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi, thanks for your advice...
I don't want to move away from my husband for a while cause I've already done that by flying to the UK for a month...I coped pretty well and didn't feel the need to 'check up on him'and I had a pretty good time...(I've proven it to myself.)
Yes, I agree, I should tell him I love him and that how much he means to me etc... and I know i'll get all the reassurance I need...I know it's important to give and not wait to receive...
Yep, my poor dad, he wasn't violent or anything, just angry..and I think I've adopted that in some way maybe...you maybe right there. My mum left him cause she just grew out of love with him...(also someone who is such a major part of your life leaves you like your mum, has an awful effect too...)
So a bit of a mixture from the two of them, has made me react this way!
You're right, I'll deal with this and will try my best to get through it! don't get me wrong, I'm not like it all the time, but if there's anything like a comment made or something to set me off, then it takes me a day or two to get over it...and I do it quietly in my own way, with out causing arguements etc...which is good for me cause 9 times out of 10, I know it's my stuff, and not something he's causing...which really is helpful and maybe it's my way of healing that part of me...
I've also read tons and tons of self help books!! been to seminars etc...tried everything! except a journal which I will try...
Everyone has their good and bad points, their strengths and weaknesses....
I guess it's all about excepting yourself and getting to know yourself...stopping the chatterbox whenever it starts, and rationalisation...is so important and that does help...otherwise you get caught up in a cloud of confusion and become irrational!
Let me know if you have anymore feedback...
Thanks for caring!! :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): Hi
You know, seeing your Dad in such a state has perhaps scarred you for life. You might've held on to the image of a broken person! And you might believe that if your husband leaves you then that is exactly what your state will be! Come on, we all process grief in our own way, and you know that! So, hang on, be brave and tell yourself to stop being jealous. You know that when some wants to leave, there is no power in the world that can prevent them from doing so. And, please stop torturing yourself like this. Have you asked your Mom exactly why she left your Dad? Maybe there's something more you want to know?
Also, let your husband know what and how much he means to you and have him reciprocate. Ask him. You know, I really think that what you have is not jealousy, it is this anxiety and paranoia of losing the one person who is the center of your world, and then how are you to cope with the world? YOu know, people that are scared of heights are often advised to jump off tall buildings, similarly the ones scared of water are asked to swim in the ocean... Should you try to leave your husband for a few months to see if you can actually survive? IT seems like an extremist treatment... and I do not advise it, but if your problem gets too bad then perhaps you should do it! You know, move out, rent a space, see your husband only casually (like you would any friend)! Is he the only man in your life? Anyway, I know that grief is not the end of the world, and there are many who have survived the worst heartbreak. Life goes on. Read some books on surviving heartbreak and abandonment! Perhaps reading other's stories will bring you some peace!
Anyway, let me know if I have helped
Take Care & God Bless
:)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): Hi
Ok, glad to know that although you can get extremely jealous, you do keep your emotions to yourself. Kudos on that. I think that you are a pretty normal person except for that fear of abandonment. It is underlined by the fact that you don't actually have a type that you are jealous of, rather, it depends on your mood! See, how you have let that fear takeover your otherwise normal soul. To tell you the truth, even I get a little jealous when my boyfriend talks to someone of the fairer sex, but it is more like a twinge! Women, in general, tend to be slightly jealous. Only in your case, it is past issues compounded by your imagination and of course, the habit of jealousy. It is a habit, like any other and so it will be equally tough to break!
I am glad that your husband supports you! You know, other than keeping a journal, I think that you guys should undertake a ritual that reminded you that your bond is for keeps. You know, like a tattoo or each other's body or even a second marriage. Perhaps, once you get a reminder of something that stays on your skin forever, you will believe in the relationship a bit more. You know, I don't think that you suffer from jealousy at all, it is more like a paranoia. Since you let your husband be, so perhaps it isn't jealousy!
Yeah, and in the meanwhile, go out on a romantic getaway, love each other, let him know how much you care about him, and tell your eight yr old self that this time it is for real and that you are safe, secure and taken care of!
That's all from
So, take care
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Thanks for your response!....
Answer to your questions: I've been married for 2 years.
I envy a few other women, not jealous of them though...when I feel envious, it's cause I look up to them, the feelings experienced with that feeling are harmless and nice as I'm happy with who I am (if that makes sense.)I have 1 sister who also has trust issues but as bad as mine. So, it's mostly attractive women I'm jealous about...(it depends what mood im in really to how jealous I can be.)I don't hate myself, I'm kind and caring and I'm very grateful for my life.
When my mum and dad split, my dad took it very badly and turned to drink to escape. I never had any questions answered as to where my mum was or anything...I just had a very angry and confused dad. I had to look after him and my sister. A few months later, I started to see my mum again, this time she was with my stepdad. I gave him hell when I was 8 yrs old, so jealous and angry with both of them for making my dad rock bottom, and cause my mum left me...When I had counselling, I spoke to my mum and my dad about it and had their explanations to it and I told them how I felt at the time. My dad has now sadly passed over so I'm glad I got to talk to him.
I really trust my husband, I've just come back from the UK, was there working for a month...I know he went out socialising etc..but haven't said anything to him about it! (was quite proud of myself there!) I tend to want him to be jealous...then I'd feel better cause I'd be able to relate to him more. (I know that's a terrible thing to say as jealousy is awful.)
Writing a journal is a good idea...it's something I want to keep to myself though, I don't want to involve my husband in this, I can do this myself...
He knows anyway that I have trust issues and gives me no reason to not trust him. He doesn't even comment about another woman on tv, or anything...he's really good like that...
I've been trying to work through these issues for years...and I just can't seem to get rid of it...does that mean it's there for life? I'd feel so much more lighter if I could cope with the bouts of jealousy...(I guess slowly through the years I've learnt to manage it better and become more rational.)
Would my journal be specifically about these issues?
Looking forward to hearing from you!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Thanks for your response!....
Answer to your questions: I've been married for 2 years.
I envy a few other women, not jealous of them though...when I feel envious, it's cause I look up to them, the feelings experienced with that feeling are harmless and nice as I'm happy with who I am (if that makes sense.)I have 1 sister who also has trust issues but not like mine.
...............................
A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents  +, writes (5 October 2009):
 http://www.excelatlife.com/your_jealousy.htm
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): Hi
Perhaps your jealousy is not because of a lack of self-esteem but rather due to your fear of abandonment. Perhaps you have convinced yourself that if your husband so much as laid eyes on another woman, he will invariably leave you and so you do your utmost to stop him from that. Is your irrational behavior limited only towards pretty girls or does it include all women? Please tell me. And how long have you been married?
Since you have always suffered from bouts of jealousy, has it only been towards the men in your life or were you very guarded with your friends etc too? Please answer these questions. Also, how many siblings do you have?
I think that because your mom left you when you were very young, and as it wasn't a divorce where couples fight and lose interest, but rather like the case where one person consciously chooses to leave the other in order to pursue someone better... so perhaps you think that this might be the case with you too. Did you see your father struggling to deal with this situation? Perhaps it wasn't easy for him? Has he found someone to love, or did he just let go and gave up? Now, I think that he either confided a lot in you or depended on you... it seems to have left a deep impression on your psyche. Tell me, did you ever sit down pondering your parent's marriage and thought that if your dad had given your mom a little less freedom to do as she pleased then perhaps their marriage would have been intact?
Anyway, all this you must answer the next time,. ok. Now, coming back to your current state... I think that you have a very fulfilling marriage and that things are good. Your husband obviously loves you. If he didn't then he would have gone, no man likes to be controlled to that extent. Now, you must get a grip. Have you talked to your husband how deeply scared you are of his abandoning you? Have you talked about the whole incident with your father? Or, better yet, your Mom? We tend to blow things up as a child and then carry the same view of things throughout our lives. Our parents of course don't tell us all because they are trying to protect us. If you haven't had that conversation, it's time you did.
Now, since you have written very little about how your marriage is, so I am assuming that perhaps it is one of the unsettled past incidents.
If you are happy with your marriage and if you truly desire to stop obsessing, then I think that you should start by writing a journal. Write all that you think, all you feel and every incident in it. Once you start, you will start confiding in it and soon, you will be revealing your soul. We often get surprised by the truths that lay hidden within our hearts.
Then, one day when you feel good I'd like you to read all that you have written. Believe me, this will help you. In the mean while, I suggest that you tried to take a break from your husband's side. I mean, go out on a vacation with your friends. My guess is that you have spent so much time watching out for your husband, you haven't had much fun at all. Also, I think that once you realize that your husband did not take advantage of your absence, perhaps you will be less paranoid!
If you think that you actually can't then getting professional help might not be such a bad idea!
That is all I have for now
Until next time
Take Care
...............................
|
