A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Sorry in advance if this is long...I have a new boyfriend, I'm 18 and he's 22. I spend a lot of time with him and I do really like him but there are a couple things that just irk me.When we see eachother in person and go on dates everything is good, I love talking to him and spending time with him. But as soon as I get home, he texts me telling me over and over how "hot and sexy" I looked today and tries to start talking dirty with me. That sounds like it would be nice but he just does it so often it's just too much for me, and he does it RIGHT when I get home... Last night, after we had gone to the beach together, he dropped me off at my house and texted me when he got home, and wouldn't stop talking about how I looked in my swim suit and honestly it got on my nerves after a while. Like saying something like that once would have been nice, but he wouldn't stop talking about it. So I said "It's always about that stuff..." And he responded by saying "Don't be a dick, I was just being nice honestly...I'm gonna go, goodnight". I hate it when the person I'm with cusses at me during any kind of conflict, it's one of my pet peeves to put it lightly, it makes me feel like they don't respect me.So a couple hours later he texted me again asking if I was awake, I said yes and told him I was feeling sad. He apologized for earlier and said he understood how I felt and would do his best to change his behavior, and said "sex is definitely not all I think about with you". I then told him to never say anything like "don't be a dick" to me ever again because I really don't like that, and he said okay. So then we talked about other things like normal. The other thing that irks me is, he can be a bit overbearing. When we're not together (and he tries to see me EVERYDAY) he is constantly texting me, and honestly that doesn't bother me. But there were a couple instances where if I didn't answer for a few hours (if I'm busy or don't see that he texted me) he got worried/annoyed. I'm still learning to drive, and today my mom took me to practice driving for a few hours, so obviously I couldn't text. He texted me to say hello while I was driving and I didn't even notice that I got any texts because I was paying attention to my driving. A few hours later he says "Hello? Is there something you need to tell me?" And when I was done driving I responded and told him I was driving. He said not to worry about it, and then he said that "I'm gonna be real with you, I'm stressed because I feel like I like you too much and you're gonna get scared and run away." I told him that I really like him too but I need some space in a relationship or else I just don't feel like myself. Honestly, sometimes I start to feel like I'm losing myself and my old life and it scares me. Maybe over time he will calm down a bit with this stuff but for now what can I do? I do really like him and being with him in person is awesome. It's just when we're NOT together (when we're texting) that his behavior kind of bothers me...
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 June 2014):
 The ONLY thing that's going to change this is for him to understand that your well being is more important to you than his feelings. You teach him this NOT by explanation but by demonstration.
The second thing that helps is for him to see that you have a close and tight knit bond with your family and friends. It tells him that he'll have others to answer to if he doesn't treat you as well as he should.
The biggest mistake you can make is to reassure him that you like him and won't leave him and to hide what he's doing from others. People who habitually behave badly do so precisely because they're secure in the belief that others will put up with it. Responding to his 'I'm going to be real with you' with something matter of fact like 'Scared, no, but I will get fed up and move on' would have given him the jolt he needs. And it would have been the truth.
You might want to inform him that you don't hide your phone from your parents (whether this is true or not) and that he should be mindful of the kinds of messages he sends you.
You can feel however you want to feel, but really this isn't something to be sad about. Annoyed, yes, but hurt, no.
My advice might seem 'mean' to you now, but I promise you it isn't. It's perfectly normal and natural. Confident women do it all the time and they're happier and have better relationships because of it.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (15 June 2014):
 I can't STAND that type of neediness. Your explanation of the "hello? Is there something you need to tell me?" text made me cringe for you. It reeks of insecurity and it's just flat out annoying! I don't know if it will get better with time. It might, when he starts to realize and feel comfortable with the fact that you're not going anywhere. That may be when he relaxes and eases up. Or he may always be like this. In fact, it may get way worse. There's really no telling.
And calling you a dick? How charming. That would really piss me off. He clearly got his feelings hurt. But that's not an excuse to call your gf a dick lol. That's certainly not something you call a woman. I'm glad you put your food down about that.
It seems as if you've told him how you feel about these incidents. So you've at least done your part and communicated. All you can do now is sit and wait. See if he starts to tone it down a bit. He obviously has insecurity issues. But it's not your job to baby him. You've not given him a reason to be insecure. At least not from what it sounds like in your post. If he can't get a grip on his insecurity, it most likely will drive you mad and make you break up with him.
I guess just give him a chance. You've spoken to him about the things you need him to work on and if he can't do it, then consider ending the relationship. Dealing with overly insecure and needy people are incredibly emotionally draining. Fingers crossed he works on it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2014): Set boundaries or he will continue to be clingy.
- I will see you when I see you.
- Then I will have a ONE HOUR phone call maximum on the days I do not see you. NO TEXTS!
- I will tell you if I can't see or call you some days.
Then leave it at that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2014): "Maybe over time he will calm down a bit with this stuff but for now what can I do?"
When a person keeps texting you and exhibiting signs of being cling in the beginning of a relationship, it usually means the behavior will get worst over time. It's not definite, but that's how it is and it's a warning sign of POTENTIALLY controlling and/or obsessive partners.
The whole commenting on your appearance is weird. I know some men think showering a woman with words like "hot" and "sexy" is a compliment. Honestly though, constantly repeating those words simply dehumanizes you to a sexual object. He might have had good intentions, such as trying to express how much he likes or desires you, but once or twice is enough. Hopefully, he sincerely understood why it hurts your feelings and will stop.
At this point, I would say keep a watchful eye on his behavior. Talk to him about behaviors that make you uncomfortable. Straight out tell him not to expect instant replies to his messages. If he cannot control himself despite your explanations and you have attempted to communicate with him, then he is probably not a boyfriend you could tolerate for long unless you want an unhealthy relationship.
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