A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:In February 2009, I met a friend of a friends at a local pub. I didn't think too much of him, but he was persistant to be around me and we started spending time together. I fell in love in a matter of days. He was everything I had ever dreamed of in a man.About two months into our relationship, he told me he was sexually assaulted by his old neighbour when he was young. He told me his neighbour forced him to give him oral sex. I consoled him and told him if he ever needed to talk about it, I was there for him. He never openly and willingly brought it up again. There were times when I wanted to talk to him about it to make sure he was okay, but I decided it was best to leave it to him.He was always a very heavy drinker and one night we were walking home from the bar and he says to me, 'do you ever just wanna kill someone?' while he laughed. He proceded to tell me he sometimes has dreams about killing people. I just laughed it off as he had never said anything like that to me prior to that instance.Around June 2011, one day I went to go check my email. When I went to the site, he had clicked 'remember my password' and so his email and password were both entered in. In that moment, I had this feeling like I just had to go check his email. Something was just telling me something wasn't right.Upon entering his email, I found 2 emails, both responding to classifieds posted by gay men looking to hook up. I was in such shock I started shaking and I could not believe it one bit. I had to have my sister read them and tell me I was actually reading what I was.I had never experience that pain; knowing I was so in love with someone and they wanted to be with the opposite sex and there was nothing I could do about it. I called him, screaming and crying, saying I never wanted to see him again and I couldn't believe he was gay and could stay with me and let me love him more and more each day. He said, 'I'm not gay!' and sounded so upset.I got off the phone with him and headed to my dentist appointment that I had that day.When I walked out of my dentist office, there he was. He asked me to talk to me for a second, and I agreed adding there was nothing he could say that was going to change anything.We got in my car, and he broke down. He told me he wasn't only forced to give his old neighbour oral, but that his old neighbour sexually abused him and had raped him many times. He told me he emailed these guys on craigslist, started texting one (the guy was 5'6 and my ex is 5'11, this is important for the next part) trying to see what he was into and apparently the guy had a bag of child porn. He told me he was emailing the guy at the library, and that he was going to ask the guy to meet him up north by a lake, that he was going to break his limbs and if he didn't feel bad after that he was going to kill him and throw him in. I said to him, 'you would've been caught' and he replied that he wouldn't have been, but then the day after he told me now that I knew he realized how crazy he was being. I told him he needed to go get therapy and so he did.After all that, I wanted so bad to comfort him and help him, but I formed this resentment and strong lack of trust because some things just didn't add up--the emails, considering he was emailing from his own actual email and said his actual name, actual job, and texting from his phone and the fact they would've caught him. I ended up seeing someone else and when I did he told me that he had been molested by someone else as well, his mothers friends son. Apparently the son was about 16. He took off and moved across the country.The relationship I had after the one with him ended up going horribly. The guy was very controlling and emotionally/mentally abusive and I ended it this summer. My ex came home for a month and we met up and had sex. I fell hard again and got really upset at the fact he was leaving again and things went a bit sour. He ended up being gone for a month and he came back again and I saw him at a gathering and we've gotten together once since.The other day I considered the reason he keeps taking off is because he is having some secret gay life, and the thought just made me feel very angry.I still really love him, but I just don't know what's real. I know I will probably never know for sure, but what should I do? Trust what he's said and see where things go or should I forget about it and get him out of my life so I can let go and move on? What do you think of the whole situation, was he being honest with me? I'm so lost.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (20 October 2012):
 The truth is that he is not ready for a relationship despite being in love with you. He is not gay, he is hooking up with gay men to gain the power back over men who abused him. He had the freedom to do this all he wants, even his whole life, but he has no rights when he is in a relationship with a woman because it is still cheating. It is stressful for both partners when one is living a double life. Some abused people get healed, some people don't. When he contacts strangers online, he is exposing himself to danger, stds and more hatred. Not to sound homophobic, but because he is on there for sex, he is not getting to know the person so he is exposed to all kinds of creeps, criminals even. I think you should stay away from him, otherwise your role in his life will just be to make him feel normal about his sexuality.
You don't have to wait for him. A person like this shouldn't even be dating a woman. If you take him back you are setting an example that cheating is acceptable for you.
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