A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really like this guy and I think he likes me too. One thing, he is unemployed but actively looking for work. He doesn't have much money which is not a deal breaker for me and I am not looking for money, just companionship. Well, this economy is really bad. I am working, and always have worked. I feel bad for him. I want more but we don't really see each other much and I asked him what is keeping him and he said his being out of work is part of it. I don't need to be spoiled. Does guys that are unemployed really have a hard time dating?
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): Being unemployed is the worst thing that happened to me so far. Recently, it has been again the main reason why I broke up with a girl I was really in love with. Being unemployed brought many problems into our relationships, which I tried to solve. But again, the biggest problem was that I couldn't and still can't offer anything more than just my companionship. And don't take me wrong...companionship is valuable, but imagine that when a relationship is going well, then you wanna do more things with your partner which is totally logical! This is how it is....so everything is going fine even though you are unemployed and the time when you have to offer a bit more comes...and then you realise you can't offer that little more.As a man I know I can barely support myself...how could I possibly support my woman even if she doesn't need to? Yet again it is the same thing as she needed my help and I couldn't give it. We create scenarios and live by them applying those results to real life.I feel like I will never get another job...I have been so close to getting one...and I know there are many people like me,but it just doesn't matter...I just really want to feel like other people do...those ones that search a bit for a job and they get it ...or those ones that they never were unemployed...it's something I haven't experienced as I have been struggling for years and no one really knows for sure if I am overqualified, young or anything else................Anyway...thanks for sharing.
A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (21 October 2012):
 I think it is a source of pride for a man to be able to "provide" for a woman. And he probably feels like less of a man being unemployed. A coworker of mine finds it very hard to date because his job is only part time, about 15 hours a week. He says he has nothing to offer a woman and won't be looking to date until he has a serious steady job. I think it is good that he is looking and it shouldn't be anything to keep you away from him, it isn't like he is lazy and content to be jobless. Let him know that. And that you don't judge him for not being currently employed, and you would like for it to not keep you apart. It may not change anything and you may have already said it, but that's all you can do really.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2012): It can be problem OP and not just in the sense of pride or emasculation. Dating is just an expensive hobby OP. Even when the woman pays her own way, that's a heavy cost on nights out, cinema, bowling, etc. twice maybe more a week. Say you go bowling, there's transportation costs, phone credit, the bowling itself, drinks, food the option to maybe head somewhere else afterwards. You're talking about 30-50 bucks just paying for himself. Even cooking you a meal at his place is a pretty large extra cost.
Plus he may not even be in the best of mental states not having work. he may be in a rut and having a pretty shitty time of life and doesn't want to drag anyone else into it. He may just not have the kind of life he wants to share at the moment.
He could also be one of those pride people, he may also not have the time to both woo you and find work. both of which are mentally taxing, time consuming things.
Besides there's a reason for that pride OP how many women have a guy with a career as one of their main pre-requisites, quite frankly most have it as at least a preference. You ladies also do like to be spoiled regardless of whether you demand it or not and we know that. I mean ask all of your girl friends this one simple question; if a guy asks you to dinner who pays? You don't need to ask do you, most women will say the guy does because he asked. You want us to be chivalrous then criticize us for having pride, well it works both ways. Finally though OP you live in America, every single TV show, movie, every American person I've met and talked to judge a person's value and status on their financial wealth and/or how hard they work. I mean you must be sick to death of all the election stuff but the bottom line in that is all jobs and money, nothing else. It's not easy being cast down by an entire society for not working, you get the same in Ireland but in America it seems to matter a hell of a lot more.
Plus OP who wants to date a girl who feels bad for him? Even if he didn't care about pride being pitied is not what any self-respecting person wants.
I know you didn't ask this but it is possible that he doesn't actually like you in that way and he's just using this as an excuse.
Why not just find more ways of getting him to spend time with you? Asking him over to yours for dinner, or meeting up for a coffee. Simple little cheap things with no expectations, just to hang out. Try that, ease up a little on the idea of being romantically involved and try and get more face time with him, that way at least you'll find out what the deal is and maybe things will progress with a bit of effort on your part.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 October 2012):
 Being unemployed CAN affect a guy's interest in dating IF HE LETS IT... especially considering these two issues:
1. He's almost-certainly on a tight budget.... so the expenses that may be incurred in entertaining yourselves can be difficult, and,
2. He may feel uncomfortable being approached by a woman who likes him and will/would be content to find things to do together that are free or inexpensive, such that the two of you CAN be together and enjoy them.... It's a bit of a blow to his "manhood" that he can't afford to be generous when dating...
2A. IN addition to No 2, above, there is ALSO the risk (No 2) that he will view your interest as pity.... and somewhat emasculating to him.... You need to be aware of that and figure out how you CAN approach him... and discuss this subject, within the bounds of his "manly" sensitivities....
Good luck. You sound like a sensible, warm and approachable woman who any guy would be lucky to spend time with.....
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 October 2012):
 I think so, yes. Not because women don't want them, but because of the whole "male pride" thing they've got going. They feel as "the man" they need to be able to provide for their woman, be able to treat her to things. And no way does a man want a woman to pay his way! It is interesting, because if a man wants to, say, take his girlfriend with him on vacation when she can afford it: he will pay for her. He'll buy her ticket, and no one would think twice about it. She'd probably say yes as well, and not object. However, when the roles are switched it is a whole other story. The man wouldn't ever accept his girlfriend buying his ticket and treating him to a vacation. He'd much rather sit at home and do absolutely nothing, or watch his girlfriend leave on vacation with someone else. All for the sake of his pride.
So with this in mind, yes, I do think unemployed men will hold themselves back from dating because they don't feel they have much to offer. They feel like they are letting themselves, and any potential girlfriend, down by not having a job. Some would even feel humiliated, or emmsaculated, by being unemployed. My boyfriend was like that, we started dating when he didnt' have a steady job, and he was holding back, and ended up not wanting to date me because he found his own situation so unstable. That was a big part of the problem, as I came to discover, because as soon as he landed his dream job (he'd been working towards it for a few years) his entire attitude changed. Suddenly he wanted to commit, suddenly he knew what he wanted.
Guys are weird.
...............................
|
