A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I met a girl 2 years ago and fell deeply in love with her. Unfortunately, she had an ex partner who has been a nightmare. She had a child by him too.The problem is that due to all the stress and drama caused by her ex, the romance has been lost for me. She became quite needy and that was sometimes overwhelming. It's one thing to have a needy child, but when your partner is also needy, it can feel like your giving everything and more until you start to feel like it's a chore! I also sometimes find it hard to take on a role as dad when her ex is in the shadows.To be fair, things have settled down a bit now and she isn't as needy as she was, but unfortunately my feelings aren't what they were.I don't want to break up with her, I would be devastated if that were to happen because she is very special to me and has a lot of qualities I love, yet I feel like my love for her has faded. I do love her a lot, but not in love like I was. I find myself looking at other women a lot more now and I feel bad about that.Am I being childish expecting the 'in love' bit to last for ever? If not, what can I do to help get back the romance?Thanks
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 PS: I will take a wild guess here and suppose you might think wrong tactics welcomed more drama caused by the ex, maybe your girlfriend didn't know how to best protect her new family from this ex. I can't think of anything more off-putting. Of course, nothing that can't be understood, analysed and burried quickly in the end if you want to live in peace.I would be off-putted if my partner could change our circumstances to better but he wouldn't do it. I don't know WHAT she could have done or if she could do something, but maybe the idea that a child shouldn't be deprived by his father's presence and all that crap took priority over...the idea that the father was barmy in the crumpet if I were to believe what you say, who needed to be explained some limits. If I am right, well, things like that happen and people don't always know how best to protect their families, but you can always try and rethink strategies if need be. It's understandable if that affected you and you must communicate how and what you feel and maybe she has an explanation or a promise that she will be more firm and protective towards her new family, possibly taking legal proceedings if necessary, depending on what is the ex doing. Which again you didn't mention.You also don't have to be that child's father, he already has one, who you like it or not may always be in the shadows, maybe you can prevent unexpected appearances by having the court set a discipline of the visits. Meanwhile you can be the child's friend and adviser, etc.
A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (17 June 2010):
Hard to go through difficult times with love alone. The relationship can result more or less damaged and you don't want to adopt a lackadaisical attitude towards it, and hope that problems are solved by themselves. So it's great that you want to mend it. Out of curiosity, what did the ex do - threaten, call at 3 am? Has your love faded or are you too tired? Maybe both. She seems to be contributing to this tiredness so you should really tell her what she is doing wrong, and that you feel overwhelmed and why - I hope she can take a bit of criticism and you are able to philosophise together over your relationship and relationships in general and how to drag them out of a bad patch. Then, you can start seeing some progress and since you are fond of each other as you say, it shouldn't be hard to make an effort and get that engine started. Start doing the things you did for each other in the beginning and fall in love all over again. Plan dates, spend more time together and step out of the daily routine a bit. Are problems always on your minds? Disconnect somehow. Talk of other things, be more romantic. Surprise each other. The initial glitters may not be as intense and yes, that is natural, but you are probably looking at other women because you have too much to deal with at home, that is what happens when problems take the lead, YOU need to take the lead. I hope that is possible and the problems you are having aren't so big and black leaving you little time to enjoy, be happy and creative enough - to see a way out. It will take both of you to put in effort in order to achieve that.All the best.
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