A
male
age
36-40,
*ustin6747
writes:I have been in and out of a relationship with a woman for 2 years now. She is 24, and babysits as her job. She has some college and says she wants to become a nurse, but she seems to rather want everything to be given to her instead of working for anything. I am 21 and in the military. Everything was great to begin with as most relationships are, but after the 6th month hump things went down hill very quickly. We moved in together with plans of getting married, but things weren't the same. She would talk to ex boyfriends on the phone, go out to bars with guys that she new liked her and wanted to date or sleep with her, etc. I was never ok with that, never went out with anyone else, and pretty much was either with her or was not hanging out with anyone.I am one who likes to talk about problems and get the elephant out of the room before anything else, I can't go to sleep mad or with someone upset with me. But instead of her talking and trying to work out our problems, her solution was to run out and go to a bar with her guy friends, (because she says she doesn't get along with girls) or going to clubs to dance. (Which was normally the problem to begin with) A couple of times I have had to go out of town for a few days at a time, and she ended up getting drunk with a guy (on more than one occasion) and something sexual ended up happening between them. Her excuse for being with the guy in the first place was that I wasn't there for her and things weren't great between us. The next excuse for letting that happen was she was drunk, and she didn't do anything; the guys hands just made it down her pants and other things along those lines.I was always forgiving and tried to work through things no matter what had happened. About a year into the relationship she got a call from her mom telling her that there was a single rich doctor in the area that wanted to meet her. The doctor was 50, She is 24 like I stated before. About a week later she ended up going on a date with this doctor while I was at work, and a couple of days later she broke up with me and started dating him. Over the course of the next year when she found out that this doctor had other girls he was dating and doing things with she would leave him and get back together with me (until she wanted something nice or money). Eight months ago, about 2 weeks before I deployed, she broke up with the doctor and tried to come back to me and get me to forgive her so that we could get married like we had originally planned. I was very hesitant and scared I would just get hurt again. Over the course of those two weeks when she was coming around to try to get back into a relationship with me again, she would still be texting and talking to the ex doctor. I also ended up finding out from her in this time period that while dating this doctor she had a one night stand with another guy inside this doctors house while he was away.After I deployed and got away from everything back home I thought about it and decided that I would forgive her and continue our relationship because I did love her and I thought we could work past things in the past. Immediately after forgiving her and telling her I was ready to do this again, she backed out. She ended up finding another doctor that she would tell me about while I was over seas. They dated for about 2 mos (she says) and it was pretty much the same story as with the other doctor.I came home to her wanting me back again. She said she had not been with this doctor in 2 mos. and had not talked to him in about a month. I may have done something I shouldn't have but after what I had been through I couldn't just trust what she said so I looked in her phone. I found that just that night that I had arrived back in town that she was on the phone with him and texting sexual things to him back and forth. I told her I found her texts. Of course she got upset, and yes it was probably wrong to look, but I didn't want to chance my heart on something that I may have never found out if I had not looked. I was home for a month while she was trying to be with me again and I was trying to forgive her. (We were sleeping with each other again) But the entire time she was trying to get me to forgive her and convince me to be with her again she was still talking to and seeing this doctor. Even after I had told her a million times that her doing that is one of the biggest things that shows me she is not ready to be with me again. Her reasoning was always that we aren't together as a couple and that she would stop if I would take her back.I left again for two months before committing to her again; she stopped trying and got back together with the doctor. After a month of being away and not speaking to her she started calling and saying that she would do anything it took to get me back and that she loved me so much and things would be different this time. But in just a few mins of talking to her there were still things that I could tell she didn't really mean what she was saying. We had not talked in a month, and this was the first time she had the opportunity to speak to me and within a matter of mins I was put on hold twice so she could take a call that she received from another guy who was chasing after her.I know that I've written a lot to take in. But I told you all of that to tell you this. I am back in town now, and I have been trying to give her another chance. She says she loves me more than she ever has before and I can actually tell that she is trying a little harder when it comes to showing me love. On the other hand, she is still leaving my house when I have to go into work to go to bars with a couple of guy friends she has. She also goes to the gym with one of the guys she goes to a bar with. She ignores my texts and calls while she is out and avoids talking to me. I have told her time after time that those don't seem to be qualities of a girl looking to settle down with me. Also, my biggest red flag so far has been that over the time I deployed, she became very good friends with a guy that she says there would never be anything between them, she is not attracted to him. And while I actually believe that; In the middle of her trying to convince me to take her back, she took a vacation to a resort in Dallas with this guy, stayed in the same room, and did the whole "vacationing" thing with him over the 2 days they were there.While she actually seems to be trying harder than ever before, and I can tell that when we are together she seems to still love me and even more than ever before, but she is still doing things that don't please me and things I do not agree with no matter how many times and ways I've told her I disagree. My question is do I keep trying? Do I give her a chance? Do I forgive her? I do still love her and that is what I struggle with. I love her after all of this but it almost seems stupid to me that I still care for her the way that I do. I am having the biggest battle inside of me, more than I ever have before. It is hard to tell her no because I don't like hurting her, and when she gets hurt, she gets revenge. I love it when she is around me, but its the things she does away from me that worry me so much. Do I try and give a relationship with her a chance after seeing some change in her love for me, and after she says that she will stop all of the other things I don't like once we are committed, Or do I give up, and move on. If I try and give up and move on, then how do I do it? I've tried so many times and failed miserably!Thank you for any input you can provide!
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reader, austin6747 +, writes (29 June 2010):
austin6747 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for all of your input; I have just now gotten to read all of your comments. Everything all of you have said has been what all of my friends and family have been telling me for a very long time now. Hearing this from people who don't know me from someone on the street really hits home. Rescuer, you were right, actually all of you are right, but just this morning I found that she had gone back to one of the ex doctors, and the other night was with the one before coming to see me.
I am sick of being treated like this and I know I only put myself through it, I just don't get how someone can go through life using other people like this and playing with someone's emotions so badly; but I guess I found someone who does it very well.
I think I've just come across a very unique addiction, and the addiction is her. I will try my hardest to get over this one, like one of you, but really all are you are saying, I would really hate to wake up 5 years from now, married with 2 kids, and re-living the same nightmare again. I appreciate the wake-up call Dyeruz, very blunt but much needed advice in a different way.
I think it is just really hard for me to see who she has become (or maybe has always been like). Because I love her I feel a need to try to help her with this horrible quality she has now, I never saw this at the beginning of our relationship (but I guess that's because it was the beginning). Is it hypocritical to love her if that is what I still really feel, but just walk away like everyone says I should? Or do I try to be a friend? Or just actually walk away and let her fend for herself? And if the answer is just to walk away, do I say anything to her or just drop it all right now and not speak to her again?
I am going to take it one day at a time and see if I can't actually get over her this time. Again I really appreciate everyone's advice, I promise it helped, and is a huge wake-up call that I have needed, again.
On a side note, I don't want to start an argument but to "Anonymous," thank you for all of your advice also. I know you threw in their that "even if i hate the army, navy and anything war related," I respect that you can still look past the fact that I am in the military and give me some down to earth advice. I do however want to say that even though I am in the military, you will find that most of us also hate the war and anything to do with it. None of us like what we have to do overseas, leaving our families, living in tents, sand in our teeth, all of the "nastiness", etc., but someone has to do these things to keep a balance between peaceful nations (not sure where you are from but if you are an American, trust me, you don't want this war coming to our soil, to your front door, and a close up look at what is happening in the dessert, but if we were not over seas fighting for our freedoms, it would be here on our soil, or on the soil of whatever country you are from)
On a lighter note, All of the branches of the military are not consumed with this war. We all have a part in the war, but we also have a part in many other things. My branch has our hands in everything. Just like the Earthquake that happened in Haiti, we were there providing help within hours with food, water, humanitarian aid to all of those affected, etc. Same thing went for Hurricane Katrina, and many more tragedies in the past. We do a lot of peaceful behind the scenes work for our nation that seems to be ignored sometimes because of what the news portrays us to be. I know it may not change your opinion on us but I just wanted to throw in my two cents and maybe give you a lighter side of things our military branches do other than the war.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): I am surprised that you have put up with this and it's hard to see what you love about this girl - you should be angry at her! You must know you need to call it off for good and have nothing more to do with her. You might be lonely for a while and it hurts but you do have to face that she does not love you (or any of these guys probably). So you have to find other friends and a new girl to spend time with.
There are so many nice women out there but you are wasting your energy on a user who sees people in terms of what she can get from them, because it is easier than doing things for herself. You want a proper girlfriend but she wants attention, sex and money from whoever is around to give it to her and without having to give in return.
She is not going to change because this works for her! Find someone who appreciates what you have to offer and in future think twice before you date a girl who has no female friends at all. Most women have one or two close girlfriends at the very least - if they don't there is usually a reason for that.
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A
male
reader, dyeruz  +, writes (18 June 2010):
What kind of a low self esteem, scared to be alone because I might never find another chick kind of guy are you? She continually dumps and you and you're too dumb to see it so you take her back! You give guys a bad name chump, grow up and go find a girl that doesnt treat you like the scum you think you are. You think it's love but its lack of self respect, if she respected you she wouldn't even look at another man let alone look at one while fooling around with another while cheating on him. I mean you're trying to win her back and she goes on vacation having sex with other guys!!! Oh my god!! Do you honestly want a relationship with this girl, spend your life with her, raise kids with her? With no trust! Move on and find another girl, this one doesn't have a happy ending I'm afraid!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): Dump her. Plenty of other fish in the sea. If you think its bad now, how will you feel when you have 5 years into a marriage with 2 kids and she does it? She has shown you all you need to know right now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): Ok i only read the first three paragraphs and the answer is simple... she's a sponger. There are loads of them in the world and she is a parasite that will suck you dry completely
leave now... and don't turn back - if she cries tell her the conditions that you can make this relationship work - though i doubt she'll keep them.
As you're a man I'm giving you one simple bit of advice
the best way to get over someone... is to get under someone else - ANYBODY else... just someone to get you out of that groove. Go to amsterdam - party out - but don't go back to someone that uses and abuses you.
I know you love her and you will miss her - but everytime you think of texting or calling her - think of why you left in the first place. Delete her number from your phone - write a list of things you hate about her and whenever she hurts you write down exactly what you're thinking - maybe even make a webcam diary of your relationship - that way when things get bad you will know how bad they were... you won't look back on your past with rose tinted glasses that way. If you think of taking her back - look at the tapes/writings/ webcam diaries that you have made.
There is no trust in this relationship and by the sound of it she will never be trustworthy. She's with you because you can pay for her - she may even be sick enough to want to marry you just because that way if anything happens to you in the military she'll be in for a pretty large sum of money... man i hate skanky girls like that! Get out now honey because women like that never change and her mother sounds precious - encouraging her to cheat on you with a rich doctor... bunch of trailer trash by the sound of it and you obviously deserve a lot better (even if i hate the army, navy and anything war related - you seem to be a nice guy and you should LEEEEEEEEAVE!)
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