A
female
age
51-59,
*arefree
writes:Hi everyone!I've been dating my BF for over a year now and he has a 14 told daughter. last year, two months into our relationship, he suddenly disappears for 2 months without even a text or a call. Although I had just started to date him, I was devastated that he disappeared without a trace. I seriously thought he might have died.Jan 2016 I get a call from him and he explains the reason why he had disappeared. He agreed he should have done it differently and apologized. He said his 13 yold daughter was having major tantrums about him dating and that he had promised he wouldn't date until the end of that year. Along with the advice of a family therapist, it was recommended that he didn't date. Anyhow, him and I have been dating again since Jan 1st 2016. At the beginning he told me that he had a 6 months rule in introducing his gf to his daughter. Now it's been a year and we still haven't met. His daughter pretty much rules everything. All the holidays, summer breaks, Christmas breaks are spent with her and I pretty much get left out of all of those. I believe that all three of us should blend and that he should be a little more fair. Im finally tired. Im tired of feeling second class and like a darn mistress and not good enough to meet his child. . I have suggested that the three of us get together and enjoy that time. The daughter doesn't want to meet me so 90% of his time goes to taking her on trips, doing activities, etc... I'm pretty much left out of Christmas, thanksgiving, New Year's Eve, etc... I can't take it anymore. I have asked for space away so I can decide how I want to proceed. Any advice on this?
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female
reader, carefree +, writes (14 May 2017):
carefree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI finally broke it off with him. It breaks my heart but it didn't seem like he was ever going to make changes for me to be included in all parts of his life. He was a priority in my life but I was never going to become a priority in his. I'm going to take a break to heal from this and move on. Thank you for all the support.
A
female
reader, carefree +, writes (9 May 2017):
carefree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Honeypie. It's a frustrating situation.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 May 2017):
 Maybe it's for the best if he DOESN'T move in with you? I mean honestly?
Seems like there will ALWAYS be an excuse to not fully commit to you.
And as for dating a dad, I wouldn't presume ALL dads would do this. This is JUST one man. (who happens to have a kid).
I'd wish him well and his daughter a speedy recovery and then I'd end it and move on. Time to STOP wasting your time on a fella who after ALMOST 2 years still doesn't want to include you.
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A
female
reader, carefree +, writes (9 May 2017):
carefree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again! Guess what? 4 months later and I still haven't met his daughter. He was supposed to move in at the end of April but didn't bc his daughter got super sick. He has until the end of this week to move in otherwise i's leaving him. This is so frustrating. Ithis was the first time I dated a dad. He made this experience a miserable one for me. It's not like I was telling him to choose. I just wanted to be a part of him and hos daughter's life. It's been 1 1/2 years. So frustrating
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female
reader, carefree +, writes (1 February 2017):
carefree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAppreciate all the love and the support :)
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 January 2017):
 Great to hear your good news. Wishing you a happy future together.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (30 January 2017):
 I'm glad it seems to be improving, but you must meet her at least 3 times before you move in with him and she's expected to live with you part-time, as she needs to be comfortable around you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): Good for you! Best of luck :)
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female
reader, carefree +, writes (30 January 2017):
carefree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone!
As promised, I want to give an update. My BF has asked for us to move in together. He is also arranging for his daughter and I to meet and she'll also be living with us part of the time. We haven't worked out all the details yet but it's definitely headed in the right direction. Thank you all for your advice and support. :)
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female
reader, carefree +, writes (10 January 2017):
carefree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunt honesty, thank you sooooo much. It means a lot
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (9 January 2017):
Let us know how it goes and remember we are all here for you.
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A
female
reader, carefree +, writes (7 January 2017):
carefree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat was rude of me. I can't be so judgemental by calling premadonna. He is trying to do the best he can for his child. Although, I don't agree with his methods, nonetheless he thinks he is doing the best.My problem with him is that he is being unfair to me and he needs to fix that bc I'm feeling neglected and left out. Life is too short and I want to be happy as well. Hopefully, I will find out in three weeks if he truly loves me too and whether he wants me to be a bigger part of his life.
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female
reader, carefree +, writes (7 January 2017):
carefree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you sistergoldenhair! I'm just going to give him 3 more weeks and see what happens. He is not even aware what he's doing to his own daughter. I guess he feels guilty bc of the divorce but he is raising a premadonna. That's his choice how he wants to live his life but I just can't live this way.
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female
reader, sistergoldenhair +, writes (6 January 2017):
I had a relationship like this... complete with the ghosting and then getting back together, followed by a year of tumultuous dating. My ex, who is still married but lives in his own apartment, refused to even mention me to his 12-year old son. When I met my ex, he told me that he had been seperated from his wife for two years but hadn't divorced because of health insurance (she has MS and is not working, no health insurance unless she stays on his employer plan). The son has huge emotional tantrums and rules both parents. After a year of being always last on the list to his son (and sometimes his "ex" wife) I broke up with him. This relationship was incredibly destructive to my self esteem. I also realized that though I love this guy, he was really going to delay getting any closer as his son was a teenager and his "ex" wife needed insurance. In any case, your situation is not identical, but please ask yourself:Where will I be in another year if this continues and I stay?Do you really want a lifelong committment with someone who cannot communicat properly with his own daughter and allows her to emotionally manipulate his life?Do you think this will ever change?Ironically, as soon as I broke up with my ex, he came to me and begged me to consider living with him... promised that he was going to file for divorce within 3-6 months (just had to work out some insurance stuff !!) and wanted his son to finally meet me. He even said that he thought his son would want to pick living with us over his "ex" wife (and mother to his son). The bottom line, too little too late, and really a drama show to reel me back in. I don't think men like my ex (and like the guy you've been seeing) are relationship material, let alone, partner material. Too much work needs to be done at bedrock and I am certain that the daughter will grow up to be a demanding adult because she is being brought up in an vacuum. He has not done enough to compromise for the relationship that you are in with him, and I think you can do better.I have. And the man I am with now really, really makes room for me in his life. If he wants you, he will find a way to make you known to his daughter and deal witht the pain of her emotional growth.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (6 January 2017):
Off course you can't, many would feel the same as you. Either you are fully part off his life or not at all, it is not fair on you to be a part time girlfriend, I hope he does the right thing.
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female
reader, carefree +, writes (5 January 2017):
carefree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunt honesty! Thank you so much for your response. I don't think he was lying for the reason for ghosting, but he shouldn't have done it. He knows he has until the end of Jan and he says he is taking it seriously. I hope it all works out bc I can't love like this.:(
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (4 January 2017):
He should never have ghosted you a year ago. He should have maned up and told you the truth. However here you are a year later and still feeling left out. It is not fair something has to change. I am well aware teenage girls can be hard work, but could it be possible he lied about ghosting you therefore he is scared off you meeting his daughter? It is just a thought! You have gave him an ultimatum now so I guess you just need to wait and see if he will do anything. I wish you all the best. Let us know how you get on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2016): Hi
The bottom line is .....it is what it is.
Whether he SHOULD get her to meet you, whether he SHOULDN'T let a 14 year old dictate or not.....
She doesn't want to meet you and he doesn't want to make her. Maybe he is trying, but a forced meeting is doomed from the start.
She is the child here and she is the one who is going to be more important to him. He has probably got a lot of 'divorce guilt' and doesn't want to stress her anymore.
As I said ...it is what it is. You can't change the situation, so either change your side of it and leave or be patient and see what happens. Only you can decide that.
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female
reader, carefree +, writes (31 December 2016):
carefree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Honeypie! It's so frustrating dealing with him and getting him to understand. He has taken being a "good dad" to another level. I feel like I'm wasting my time with him. I have given him until the end of January.
I was so loving towards him and wanting to meet his daughter. Now I'm starting to resent both of them.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 December 2016):
I have 2 teen and one tween daughter, so I can easily imagine that this daughter of his doesn't WANT to meet you, the new GF. And I can also easily see why he isn't enforcing that she should meet you. I think guilt plays a major role here.
Do you know why they divorced? Was HE unfaithful? If that is the case, I don't blame the kid one bit, but that doesn't help you either.
I think this man likes his life compartmentalized in nice little boxes. His family (the ex and the daughter) in one and YOU in another. And I don't really think he has any intentions of mixing his "boxes" up.
I think it's a smart thing to NOT force an introduction, but I also think it's smart of you to decide that IF he doesn't WANT you to be a part of his life, you will walk away. I think at age 14 waiting 6-9 months to introduce a new partner is smart, but letting a 14 dictate you dating life? Not smart. If he can't let her know that YOU are now part of his life and he would really like to include the both of you, then he needs to wait till she is 18 or off to college to date.
Also if the daughter doesn't WANT to meet you and she spend the night 3-4 night a week at is house and all YOU get is half a Friday? That doesn't seem like a relationship, that seems like a "companionship".
I'd wish him well and then cut the contact.
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A
female
reader, carefree +, writes (31 December 2016):
carefree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAndie's thoughts, thank you so much for responding. Your answer was very helpful.
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female
reader, carefree +, writes (31 December 2016):
carefree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHelpmeeee. Scratch that. I rated you a 5. Lol. I haven't been on here for 6 years so had forgotten how this site works.
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female
reader, carefree +, writes (31 December 2016):
carefree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Helpmee! I was trying to rate your answer but I think I accidentally rated it as one star. Sorry about that.Thank you for the answer. He says he loves me but he says this is his situation. The mother is around but I feel like he takes care of her all the time bc he does not work during the day. I know he loves me but I don't think him and I have the same definition of love. I've asked him several times to get the three of us together. I don't understand why he can't just act like the adult and take charge instead of letting a 14 you'd dictate.
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female
reader, carefree +, writes (31 December 2016):
carefree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi! Thank you for the response. I think the same way that he doesn't communicate well with her. He feels guilty so he over compensates but I get left out all the time. He sees her everyday from 2:30 pm until 9:30 pm. She sleeps over his house 3-4 nights a week. Bc the mother works during the days he has her everyday during all holiday breaks. He has her all Sunday. So he and I see each other half day on Friday. That's the only day mother has her bc mom is off that day. I gave him until the end of January bc I can't co tongue this arrangement.I have asked him a millions times for just the three of us to meet but he says she doesn't want to meet me and that he is working on her. It's so frustrating but at the same time I want to be understanding. I'm constantly feeling neglected.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (31 December 2016):
Personally, I wouldn't stay. I don't think he needs to get strict with his daughter, but I think he's probably not communicated with her very well, so she feels betrayed and confused. What kind of arrangement does he have with her mother?
I think one year may be too soon to be spending Christmas with her, especially as you haven't met her before, but he should have done something with you on Boxing Day, for example. Ask to meet her in the middle of January and tell him you can't put it off any longer.
Take her out, with him, for coffee/lunch. Keep it informal and on neutral ground.
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female
reader, Helpmeeee +, writes (31 December 2016):
Where is her mother? And you should fine somebody else cause seem like to me he not really interested in dating because if he was he would put her in a child's place and have a sit down talk with the two of you.
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