A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Cupid,I was in love with a man who divorced 3 years ago. We had known each other for more than 2 years at school. Before our relationship started, by reading comments on his social media accounts, i already suspected that he had a number of girls around him. We occassionally met up for lunch since we worked nearby and he messaged me around biweekly. Things went usual but i admitted that my emotion for him built up gradually.He brought me to his home around 3 months ago and he slipped his hand into my panty when we were chatting. I tried to appear calm but then left soon after that. He kissed on my forehead then. He said nothing in the coming few days and i took the initiative to ask about his thought on our relationship via whatsapp. He said we could try to be something more but he mentioned that he wasn't in any serious relationship at that moment despite having some girls around him. I said i would prefer monogamy. A few days later he dated me again and we had quite some happy time for 2 months.I had been really suspicious since being with him but i tried not to let him know. I accidentally discovered that he brought a girl with him on his home trip and it was difficult for me to keep silent. Eventually i met with him to ask and he admitted that he had sex with the girl. I wasn't totally surprised but when he said sex and love could be separated, i felt he was really "dirty". He also mentioned he just liked me but not loved me and was not considering having a commitment. I was saddened and left him after this 2 month "relationship".I thought it was the end of the story and i had already got over him. We were just in different leagues and there was no right or wrong judgement. But then he messages me weekly updating me what he's doing and recently said he missed me and wanted to have me travelling with him. I feel confused as i felt he was on holiday with another girl when he texted me. I didn't reply to him most of the times.I can tell i still have feelings for him but know clearly we don't have a future given the values difference.Can you please give me some advice?Thanks,Bear
View related questions:
divorce, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I keep telling myself that nobody can manipulate my emotions.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2016): You don't have feeling for him but for one part of him (the good part). I am not saying that he's all show and no substance that this good part that you like is not real, but he's much more than that And I don't think this in a good way.You got to know him better and you don't like what you see and rightly so. Do not forget that this is him too. He's not waiting for the right woman to change him. And if he is you are not certainly that woman, through no fault of yours. Maybe when he gets old and tired of chasing skirt he'll settle down, but for one I don't think that he's there yet and I certainly hope that you wouldn't be happy with him settling down. I also hope that you have enough self-esteem and that you don't need "the guy you can't have" to fall in love with you so that you'd feel better about yourself. So the best cure you can possibly have is LOOKING AT THE REAL HIM not your idea of him.A friend of mine said and I think it's true (although maybe it's true for men too :): You just need to get a girl to like you, she then falls in love by herself. We sometimes (okay more often than not) fall in love with and idea of someone...Count yourself lucky that he's either too lazy or not that interested in making you another notch on his belt, as he would probably be less honest about not loving you but liking you and outright lie to you just to get you into bed.Remind yourself of who he really is and you'll soon fall out of love, because the person you love in him doesn't exist. You can love a ghost or suffer for the love lost, but you can't love something that has never been there.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all again. I will keep reading all these replies to remind myself.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 May 2016):
 I think you already know where you stand with this guy. He likes you, but NOT in a "I want to BE with you" kind of way.
He likes having many girls around him, including you. NOT because he likes all these girls, but because THEY make HIM feel good about HIMSELF.
If you, dear OP are looking for a life-partner, a BF, a SO - this guy is NOT it. I would cut the contact and move on. Because you are wasting your emotions and time on this guy. He has already stated that he isn't looking for anything serious and he doesn't have any deep feelings for you.... THAT will not change just because you hope it will.
Time to move on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the responses above. In fact, i blame myself for giving him the green light first and am responsible for the decision. That's why i took the initiative to end the "relationship", if there was ever one, by telling him that i knew he was messing with another girl on his trip. He didn't deny he cheated and asked back if he owed me anything given that he had told me he got some girls around him on day 1. By typing my questions out, my mind was even clearer! I am 200% sure we don't have a future together. But honestly, i still fancy we could be platonic friends because i admire his wit and other attributes. Like what wiseowle said, he is a pretty decent folk in general. Do you think i am silly?He's indeed a fling looking for short-term excitement while i need long-term commitment. What disappointed me most was he said he could attract a lot of girls by presenting his business card. Frankly, i do hope i can find someone intellectual and has a decent job. However, what he said really hurt me. Just fyi, i have a decent job, too and do not intend to count on my partner to meet my ends.Thank you again for letting me vent!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2016): He's the typical player who keeps a harem of females at his disposal. He treats you like he cares for you, but you're just in his circle of needy women that feeds his male-ego and satisfies his sexual needs.
Here's what we're all guilty of, myself included. I'm a gay man. We meet people who have certain qualities that satisfy us and they know how to push certain buttons. Instinctively, we know they are not really good for us; but we allow our feelings and emotions to become tied to these people. They aren't all bad. In fact, they can be pretty decent folks in general. There's this thing about them that seems to draw us to them; but they feed on our emotions like vampires. Sucking up that love-energy we are so willing to give. You get nothing back in return, but you convince yourself they're just holding back to be safe; but if you keep giving...surely they'll give back?
They don't.
They take, and they take, and they take. You catch them in lies, they play subtle little games, and you get caught-up in their drama. Then, your ego tells you it would devastate you to let them go; because you'll feel rejected, less attractive, and it'll be a long time before you find someone who makes you feel like he does.
Girlfriend, uh-huh, not true, you're lying to yourself to keep from letting him go! Fearing he'll turn to all those other women you found secret numbers for and all the messages he exchanges. Yet he smiles with those sexy eyes, strokes your face and body with those warm searching hands, and touches you like nobody you've ever known. Yeah sweetie, I know what it's like. Been there and done that.
Got wise to it too!
Players are well-practiced. Skilled at their craft. They are narcissistic and selfish. No one woman is good enough, they need several around to choose from. To feed on a variety of energies and the narcissistic supply of being told they are the best, worthy of lots of attention, and they're a stud to behold. He's a legend in his own mind!
If he told you he doesn't love you, how can the word future even come to mind? Why are you asking what you should do, as if a mature woman 30+ has no idea what to do with a player? You posted everything he does, he has other women, he will not commit to you; and you ask what should you do?
This whole scenario will play itself out. He isn't going to commit to you, but he will use you if you let him. You will continue pouring your emotions into a vessel with a big hole in the bottom, and it will sour you. Your soul will become bitter, and you will begin to hate men. As so many frustrated females do, you'll categorize this as part of what men are like. Yet you'll never own your own mistakes.
If you don't see your mistakes, you can't correct them.
He is a sorry excuse of a man. He uses you with apathy, and faults you for being foolish enough to let him. That's how a narcissist thinks. They glorify their triumphs over a pile of broken hearts they've left behind; and replace them with fresh ones. They have no empathy, and live on your pain and frustration. It feels good to them.
Time to shed your schoolgirl-mentality and see the reality of this thing. Feeling good isn't enough. Your emotions are complex and you have many needs that have to be satisfied.
You need a place to rest your trust, you need someone to give in return, you need commitment; and ultimately, you want real and true love. It's not coming from this man. He satisfies all your carnal needs. Not your true inner-needs. Your soul is hungry for love. You're almost surviving on the soup opera drama. Being the drama-queen woe is me-ing
for a man who has told you he is not in-love with you.
You will have to let him go. You will have to kick the habit cold-turkey. He is your love-drug and addiction.
He feeds on your soul, little by little, and gives you a fix to keep you coming back for more. Save yourself and kick him to the curb. You aren't in-love, you're addicted. There's a difference.
There's a book called "How To Break Your Addiction To A Person" by Howard M. Halpern, PhD. It was out in print long ago, but if you search you should be able to find it. You have to see this is not what you want from a man, and he is only taking advantage of your feelings. He tells you he misses you and needs you; because that's what you want to hear. He plays on your addiction and offers you a fix like a drug dealer. You're not confused, you're a slave to your urges. He stirs you up in your groin. You crave him.
Time to grow-up, and move on. Find yourself what you need and deserve. Stop wasting your time and feelings on a player, girlfriend. You know better. Don't pretend you don't.
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (15 May 2016):
 "He also mentioned he just liked me but not loved me and was not considering having a commitment. "
You may have feelings for him, but he has none for you. He just wants to get into your pants, and he tested that water by sticking his hand into your crotch. Given that you did not go further, he figures that you are worth few texts here and there to get you to spread. After that, he will hook another notch on his sex list, leaving you in despair.
I'd suggest you run from this guy, put a no contact, and move on to someone who will show some feelings for you. He has no sympathy for any of the women whom he keeps around his leash.
...............................
A
female
reader, sandy san  +, writes (15 May 2016):
 Hey dear, see he is already married and a divorced guy. I know that won't be a problem if he loves you back sincerely, but i really don't think he really loves u because he is hooking up with so many girls around and he even said that he doesn't love u but likes u. He may be flirting with u and this man doesn't have true feelings. I respect your sincere feelings for him but can't u see he is not the right guy? In my opinion please stop falling for him and try not to hurt yourself. u deserve someone really better than him sis.
...............................
|
