A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I share our computer and he didn't log out of his email account. I looked (rightly or wrongly) and I found out that my husband has been viewing porn sites, not only viewing but emailing women as well. In one of the emails it looked as if he was arranging to meet one of these women, which I don't believe he has done. But at the back of my mind I keep thinking the intent is/was there.As I shouldn't have been reading his emails, I am carrying this knowledge around with me and I feel torn up inside. I don't know how to handle it and I don't think that I can approach him about it. Our sex life is OK, he tells me often that he loves me etc But I still have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): Arranging to meet up with women is a big red flag. He's just "flirting with fantasy" NOW but if you let this behavior go unchecked, in a few months he may just ACTUALLY be meeting up with these women. You must talk to him about it sooner rather than later.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): don't show your hand or he will become better at covering his tracks....I can't believe what women are willing to put up with these days, this is not acceptable in a marriage. If he likes the attention, so can you...start dressing up in outlandish ways to get the extra attention you so deserve. While you are at it, see how many guys phone numbers you can collect, no harm in collecting phone numbers and some harmless flirtation right? after all he should know and trust that you won't use them. you are better off not debating the right or wrong here but instead getting him to say how wrong this kind of behaviour is!
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (8 November 2007):
 Hi - I can understand how you feel. It's not a nice feeling. I am going to take the view that you still want to be married to him and he wishes to remain married to you. So now - we look at the situation to see where you go from here.
He has given in to his underlying sexual urges by viewing pornography - and for some extra titilation/excitement he has emailed some of the women. It's not an affair - and he has not been unfaithful in the true sense. It's flirting with fantasy I suppose. I am not defending him - just trying to put it in context.
Whether it is right or wrong - many men and women derive some satisfaction or release some tension by viewing pornography. Pornography includes looking at pictures of the naked human form. I don't like to generalise but sometimes it is necessary - a large proportion of males enjoy admiring the female form in the same way that a large proportion of females enjoy being admired. He is after all only human.
You are only human as well - and you rightly feel hurt - and have the sick feeling. You may also be having other feelings as well. All perfectable understandable.
Within a marriage he has approached the line of acceptable behaviour and may have slightly crossed it - but it is not major breach. Your marriage is not "damaged beyond repair."
What is required now is to put in context and decide where you go from here.Options: You either have a little chat and discuss what you are and are not happy with and he does the same - then you come to agreement between two of you. Or you discuss each others sexual needs in further detail and see if different ways to satisfy each other. Or you don't raise it - but keep an eye on him. Hope this helps clarify your thinking. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (7 November 2007):
 Hi,
I have no problem with the porn sites, I think half the world looks these days! But he's crossed the line by emailing these women, it would be bad enough if he was just engaged in a bit of so called harmless titilation - but he's also arranging to meet up with them?
Sorry to say but its time for a major showdown with your hubby. You shouldnt have been reading his emails, but you have and you can't change that. The bigger issue here is his alleged infidelity - not your sneaking around .
Good luck.
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