A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. It's been rocky the whole time. I've had numerous problems with him and the internet.My first inkling something was wrong was when i found he had been searching for BBW's on my computer. I am hardly A BBW - I am more on the thin side of average. after we had broken up and got back together I found emails again on my computer he had sent to someone thanking then for the picture... trace the woman's email address and found her on ,and every dating site you could think Af. She was heavy set with extremely large breast and dressed like a . I found her phone number and called her and she told me she had been sleeping with y boyfriend "of and on" for the last 5 years and he hadn't mentioned having a friend. He told me she was lying and he only saw her after we had broken up. She seemed like one of those dumb super honest types so i didn't believe him. ( i am still angry about this affair to this day BTW)Anyway, I should have left this jerk then and he got mad when I confronted him and tried to run away but I thought I loved him and he would change i guess so I chased him only to have more problems. Everytime he got to use my computer he was up to know good. To make a long story shorter, since the I have caught him putting up personal ads at least three times, ads for casual , ad soliciting a man about a "JO" club. I put a logger on the computer and found he had been going to numerous "fat" sites and chat rooms and sending emails to some overweight on one of these fan sites. When I showed him the sites and emails he lied to my face and said someone must have been impersonating him! I finally put a filter on my computer and told him about it and he hasn't touched it since. Then started going to his cousin's house and his ffather's house and using their computer to do the same things. ( I found out his father is into the same stuff BTW-same kind of woman and uses the computer primarily to lok at ) I found more ads ( i put a remote logger on their computer)and sites he ad been too. I told his cousin what he was up to and told them they should have a filter to if only because of theirr 2 minor children they have. When he no longer had acces to their computer i found out he started calling these date lines listed in the backs of newspapers- i saw the charges on his credit card bill. Then he stopped having his bills sent home. We were trying therapy but he stopped going. He refuses to acknowledge he has a problem- instead it is me. I'm crazy, I'm a bitch etc. I think I have comprimised myself by trying to stay with him. I would have left a while ago if I had not made the mistake of having a baby with him. She is beautful and I love her but I am sorry he is her dad. I have lost some respect for myself from staying as long as I have. I don't trust him even when he says he hasn't been up to anything because he has lied so much inthe past. When he says he is working late into the night- it drives me crazy with suspicion. When he comes home drunk _ I get very upset and paranoid.Valentine's day he said he had to work all night and I'm still upset over that. That's what got me thinking about leaving again. I feel like I will never be able to fully turst him and I want to leave and move back to the west coast with the baby ( thank god we didn't get married) but I am scared. He puts doubts in my mind that I can't do it alone. I have been a stay at home mom and the baby is 1 and 1/2. I want to go because i living like this. I am willing to risk it on my own then stay with a jerk just because he is paying the bills. Also, it seems like soon everyone will have to use the internet for something in the future- if the guy can't be trusted to use it responsibly now- i don't think it will get any better only more of the same or worse. Should I leave with some dignity intact even though I am a little scared or just stay for the roof over my head and be miserable?
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affair, chat room, cousin, drunk, got back together, overweight, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWOW! Thank you all for you advice! I didn't expect such a show of support! I was so close up on the situation I really couldn't see straight and was second guessing myself.
I do agree with the gentleman who recommended I plan my departure carefully. I have been doing that. I called some good friends back in Cali who offered me a place to stay when I come out until I find an apartment. One dear friend also sent me a list of resources for single mothers in the area I plan to go to. Info on childcare,housing,shelters if I ever needed one god forbid,health clinics,public assistance etc. My sister said she would pay for my moving expenses and maybe we can work on buying a house together in the near future.
I do have another question about how I should move? Should I go out there for a short visit say three weeks and try and find an apartment or just ship my stuff and go and put it in storage for however long it takes to get a place?
I am trying to wait until after I get my tax refund check so I will have some more money and selling off some things on ebay to raise cash. Also I got some some good news today- I applied for a part time work at home job doing technical drawing. It is exacting work but pays pretty well. I was waiting for an answer back and about to give up hope when I got call yesterday asking when I wanted to start.
All these things are helping me to feel stronger and less like a victim. Thank you every one!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Can you move someone in with you so he has to leave? Brother, cousin etc? You and your child are the most important. He is a complete no-hoper, all you have to do is pick your time. You don't really have a choice even though you don't want it this way. The longer the worse this will be. He will already have affected your trust and made it hard for you to be with anyone else. How dare he wreck your self-confidence, deprive your daughter of a proper father and stamp on you happiness so selfishly. For a fat fetish...can you see how sad that really is that he would give up being a Dad because he can't control his sexual fatty urges. Why not give him a big bowl of pig lard as a leaving present with a hankerchief to wipe himself with once he has had his way with it. Sorry I am very cross and it makes me write tasteless things.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): My first thought is to say "Leave Immediately", but you NEED a roof over your head at this moment. Stay with him and use your intelligence to prepare yourself financially to move away from him. You cannot trust and should not trust this man, but don't jump out there and make life more miserable for yourself...take your time and do the right thing and move after you get yourself together.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 No change will occur until a woman realizes that the risk of staying is more destructive than the challenge of moving .
- Cyndi Kaplan -
If he criticizes you often,
tries to control you,
have wild rages,
blames you for everything,
humiliates you ,
threatens you with violence,
isolates you from your friends,
jealous and possessive
and undervalue you and your achievements.
Then you are in an abusive relationship.
Take control of your life for no one can chain your spirit.
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A
female
reader, ifsa  +, writes (18 February 2008):
 tell him how u feel and if he dosent listen then kick him out or you go somewhere you and your child will feel safe he can visit his daughter whenever he likes and if he says he has changed his ways then tell him to prove it i wish u most luck
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A
female
reader, Dr Hearme +, writes (18 February 2008):
Dear Anonymous,You sound like an intellegent woman, and really i believe that you have answered your own question. You already recognise that this man is no good, and it would appear that he does not value you, or your relationship. You describe how this man attempts to manipulate you, and wear you down so that you think less of yourself. Someone who truly loves you will never ever do this to you. Real love is something that all human beings have the right share. Love should bulid you up not drag you down. Yes, it is hard to leave someone because it's easy to convince yourself things can work. But you owe it to yourself and your beautiful daughter to be strong. Your child is the positive thing to come out of the relationship. But she is your responsibility now. Your actions and choices you make will shape her future for better or worse. You want to set a good example for her.She will always be happy and content when you put her first. But apart from that we only get one shot at life, just one! Time waits for no-one. You must respect yourself to feel good about yourself.There is no trust in your relationship, paranoia will eat away at you, and make you do, say and behave in a way that is out of character.Don't be afraid... see this change as a new adventure. You already know in your heart what is the right thing to do.Many women go it alone and support children, if this is what you really want, you will be able to manage it too!Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Kawika +, writes (18 February 2008):
 I believe that trust is the most valuable commodity you can have in a long-term relationship. It is like a warm blanket on a cold night. Security is one thing, but what's the use if you are miserable. I'd rather live in a decrepit house with someone who adores me than to live in a mansion with someone who doesn't care or is unfaithful. Your happiness should be foremost. Look at all the wasted time you have expended on checking up on this guy. Do you really want to go through this for the rest of your life? I vote...dump the jerk and move on. There are so many other good men out there. Maybe, we just need to let "fate" slowly take its course. Everything happens for a reason. I hope this helps...
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A
female
reader, lilmisse2424 +, writes (18 February 2008):
 Hi,i would leave because he is not trustworthy and not worth of your time. And the fact that he is looking for someone else is a bad sign. I would not stay in the relationship, and a relationship like that is unhealthy for you. You need a man that you can trust and can always be there for you. He puts up ads for women that are better looking than you, and yet, he still has you. So if I were you, leave right now. If you stay, you are going to get hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): Sweetheart, you can't trust him, full stop. He sounds pretty screwed up to me and also completely taking the piss now.
I think you can relax now with your suspicions, your right and found that he cannot seem to help himself. He will continue this for as long as you let him.
So, now what. This is when you need to make your decision for you and your daughter. He has proved to you that this is not going away and he has a problem with fidelity.
I think you have every right now to consider your options. If you wish to continue this relationship, he needs to commit to serious relationship couselling, therapy or what ever is appropriate for your circumstances. He cannot continue to destroy you this way without your permission.
If your not happy with what he has been capable and indulged in, that is your right. He either stops it and works things out seirously, now you have a family, or he goes his own way and contributes to the care and maintenance of his daughter.
Take your time to work through your options. Think about your future and your past. What do you want for your daughter and how will you acheive that. He has let you down now, time and time again. The reason he has done this is because there was nothing to loose. He must, if you can continue, know what he is going to loose. He then needs to make his decision, based on what you now want from this man.
You cannot make him stop. All you can do is let him know that it is not something you are wanting in your life and if he cannot start to grow up and get this sorted, your happy to live without someone like that in your life.
Tell him your embarrassed, ashamed and have little respect for a man/father and husband who is behaving like a moron. Ask him to tell you what your should tell his little girl about what type of guy daddy is. Get yourself organised and have your plan B, ready and waiting. You will be miserable for a bit, but honey, he is going to bring you down, but only if you let him. You have already given him chances and all you can do is to see what he has done with them.
All the best and take care. XXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): Hi there,I would say you should leave him. A guy looking for a girl other than you is not worth it. He has been sleeping around with someone else while he is with you. I am sorry to say that you're man is an A-Hole. I wouldn't give him another chance because he has done you wrong. You are better than he is by leaving and if you leave him, you'll be much better. There will be a better man out there for you. You don't deserve that relationship you are in right now
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): Hi there,I would say you should leave him. A guy looking for a girl other than you is not worth it. He has been sleeping around with someone else while he is with you. I am sorry to say that you're man is an A-Hole. I wouldn't give him another chance because he has done you wrong. You are better than he is by leaving and if you leave him, you'll be much better. There will be a better man out there for you. You don't deserve that relationship you are in right now
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): dump him. men always lie about this kinda thing, there are loads more guys out there
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