A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife and i have been married going on 4 years. In our first year married she cheated on me with my ex best friend. Well i found out later by her best friend and for a while My wife denied it then she finally broke down and told me. Well I forgave her for it. Then I think it was year before last we had a big fight and i left to go stay at my nephew's house. Well when i came back after, i think a week, we sat down and talked and then she told me that she cheated on me for a 2nd time. And again i forgave her. Well from that point on things in our relationship haven't been the same she is starting to wonder why i don't want to have sex hardly anymore and the reason is because she cheated on me twice.What am i suppose to do? I have been faithful to her haven't cheated though the thought has crossed my mind but i would never do that. i love my wife and my daughter but i hate my wife at the same time. what am i to do>
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): You've only half forgiven her, but not all the way. You don't trust her, and with good reason.
don't kid yourself that you've truly forgiven her. In a superficial way you have - as in, you have made the decision to stay married and to not consciously think about what she did. That's good and noble.
but damage has been done to your heart and you can't just willfully erase it, it's about as futile as willfully erasing PTSD.
if your marriage is to survive, it will take a lot of years of uncomfortable work by BOTH of you. Don't try to short cut the process by saying you forgive her so let's move on. it's not so easy as you've found. you need to see a couples counselor and even then it may not work but this will be your best chance.
of course you don't have to do any of that, you can just continue to stay married as you are now. Or get divorced.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (29 January 2012):
 Let's be honest here, you haven't forgiven your wife at all. If you actually forgave her then you would continue on with the marriage as it was before prior to the infidelities.
If you want to keep this marriage, then I would look for a proper marriage counselor. That way you can work on letting go of the negative feelings towards your wife and rebuilding your marriage together. Sex can be reintroduced later..first you need to work on the connection.
Lastly, if you can't bring yourself to forgive your wife for her infidelities (some men just simply can't) then it's time for a divorce.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2012): Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing.
You don't trust your wife, more likely than not, with good reason.
This impairs intimacy.
If your marriage is to survive and thrive, you will need professional help and your wife has a lot of work to do to deserve and regain your trust and to re-establish good intimate relations.
Get professional help, even if you are going to divorce.
Read some, it may help, but remember that you can't do the work for her.
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together/dp/157230801X
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2012): I think you are forgiving her because you feel it's the right thing to do (maybe for your daughter?) but you aren't really forgiving her in your heart at all.
And why would you? She cheated. When you blew up about it she cheated again. Her words say "sorry" but her actions say nothing like that.
Don't feel guilty if you can't forgive her. Its not your duty to forgive her just because she said she is sorry. Forgiveness is a gift you can give if you want to. It's not an obligation that you owe to anyone who wrongs you and then asks you for it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): start having sex with her before she gets it somewhere else. I f you love her and want to be with her you have to try not to think about what she's done to hurt you in the past. If she cheats again you have to let h.er go though, she obviously doesn't care about you if she cheats on you three times. I overheard my wife try to convince her lover to leave his wife. I had a heart attack the next day and I'm only 42 years old with no previous heart problems. we're still together but I dont trust her and I told her if it happens again I'm leaving her. what I'm trying to say is these situations arent healthy and they take their toll physically and mentally. my wife still wakes up in the morning shops all day then comes home and goes straight to bed which makes me very suspicious, but I'm staying with her for our childrens sake because I work and do all the housework and cook. I dont want to lose my children to this evil woman. When they both become 18 I'm going to leave her if she doesn't change her ways which I doubt she will because she's a whore. A pretty hot looking whore at that but I refuse to have sex with her because she disgusts me.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 January 2012):
 I'd suggest you find a counsellor, clergyman - any disinterested third party who you trust - and ask them to listen to you, and help intervene with what is happening between you and the Missus.....
It's understandable that you are reluctant to enjoy the pleasures... assuming that you are still pretty pissed about her indiscretions....
HOWEVER, if YOU are forgiving.... and SHE is ready to REALLY be true to you... then, perhaps, you and she need to clear the air and get on the same tempo and see if you can save this marriage/relationship.
IF you don't wish to do so.... OR, if the two of you fail to make a reconciliation that you BOTH agree to, then the marriage/partnership is over.... and you (both) need to see that and make the most-amicable end that you can....
Good luck....
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