A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I want to split up with my boyfriend of four years. Our relationship hasn't been great for all this time because he expects me to do everything. I work long hours and he expects me to come home and clean, walk our dog and cook his meal. He doesn't work but will not take our dog out, I have to come home for my lunch to take her out. He doesn't want to get a job. He thinks everything should be handed to him on a plate. He's been nagging me to start a family with him for the past two years, even though he knew at the beginning of our relationship that I wasn't sure I wanted children. His family have definitely put me off that idea. He invites his cousin and her FIVE children round at least once a week and they create havoc in our home. Her children tease my dog who sits back and takes it, but for how long I don't know. She is a staffordshire bull terrier and I wouldn't trust her not to attack if she is provoked. He wants to move home to be closer to his family, but said I have to come up with the money for rent. I live with him in his home and I pay most of the bills. My mother has even said I can live back with her and not pay any rent but I choose to stay with him out of pity. If I left him he'd have nothing. I don't love him but I feel I would miss him if I leave. Having being used to seeing him every day for four years, it will definitely be strange without him.We hardly have sex, and if we do, he knows I don't want to but he still does it anyway because he says "a man has needs." I sometimes feel intimidated by him if I don't do something that he asks and I don't want to live my life that way.I am 26 and feel I'm at the age where I want to be settled down in my own home with a partner, just not him. Please help. I know people will say pack up your things and go, but really, if it was that easy, don't you think I would have done it by now.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): A few words of advice - get rid of him. You sound lovely and will no doubt find someone else. Hell, no one is better than the hard work and intimidation you're facing
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 April 2014):
 Don't worry, OP, that you miss him is normal and it will go away in time. You know, at times prisoners miss their chains at first. There are examples in history of colonial countries where, as soon independence from European colonial rule was declared.... there were popular riots and violent uprisings AGAINT the independence ! People got comfy with being told what to do, could not imagine a better way of living.
You have been smart to go NC, please stay strong in your determination. You may have jointly decided now to part ways... but something tells me that he might very possibly change his mind in future. You see, you had nothing to lose and all to gain by parting ways.... but he lost his meal ticket, I'm sure he's going to miss THAT.
As for the dog, eh no, not really... I sympathize with you and with the harassed dog, but if the dog bites or mauls a child , it IS going to be your problem, a big problem, legally and financially, no matter who started first. You'd be wise to a) move out asap anyway but b ) if as long as you are there, the kids visit again... continue keeping your dog well locked away.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (14 April 2014):
 So you've got this "guy friend" who doesn't know how to pay his OWN way through life (never MIND you).... and you don't know what to do?????
Here's an idea: Say to him: "Hunchy-bunchy, this isn't Romper Room, with Miss Ann... this is the real world. IF'n you don't know how to become an adult, don't expect me to do so FOR YOU!!!!"
Then, tell him "Good bye" ... and walk away, and never look back....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): Thank you for your help. We've actually spoken about it and we have decided to go our separate ways. It was a mutual decision so the breaking up wasn't so bad but I do miss him. We've cut all contact too which I suppose makes it easier in the long run. At least we both won't be clinging onto something that wasn't working. To the anonymous post, is it really my job to correct other people's children? I had to lock my dog in another room so her brats wouldn't hassle her, however if she doesn't correct her kids its not my problem. i've spent hundreds of pounds taking my dog to obedience classes. She is very well behaved and listens to my every command, however she has not been trained on how to deal with being teased, therefore its not my fault nor would it be hers if she attacked when provoked. If people can't give genuine advice then why bother to post a comment?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2014): Why on earth are you letting 5 children harass a dog that you don't trust can take it? Are you waiting for one of them to be mauled to death first? That is just irresponsible.
As for your boyfriend, you know what you need to do Ask your mum or friend to come and help you pack so that you don'tose your resolve to leave him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2014): Staying with a guy because you don't want to hurt him does no one any good. Think of it as pulling off a band aid. Just do it and get it over with. No one wins if you keep hanging on for all the wrong reasons.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (13 April 2014):
Dear OP,
I know a separation might be hard. It is for everyone, no matter how bad the relationship is.
Yet, it's the ONLY right thing to do and you know it. You've got work, a loyal dog and a supportive mother who would let you stay at her place. Your boyfriend doesn't even sound like he could be trying to make you stay, he probably won't be able to get off his ass (and you still got a bulldog, just saying). So what's holding you back is your own weakness.
There's a book, "Venus in Furs", and it's about a man who falls in love with a cruel woman and has himself abused and belittled (until he realizes that this mess can't go on). The ending quote of that book reflects what the author has learned:
“The moral of the tale is this: whoever allows himself to be whipped,
deserves to be whipped.”
? Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, Venus in Furs
What I want to say is, no, I don't blame women who are being hold captive and abused on a daily basis for their misery. It's not a choice.
But people like you who enjoy the freedom of a society where women are treated equal, who are free and wealthy enough to have a life of their own, I hold them responsible for how they let others treat them. You are a free person and if you choose to stay in captivity - then that's what you get and no one else can free you. You "deserve" this punishment until you finally learn your lesson: That no one else can allow you to be happy, and protect your dignity, but you.
I wish you strength and self-discipline to go through with that long time overdue break up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2014): This guy sounds like my idea of hell. He's lazy, manipulative, rude and treats you like a slave.
My ex didn't treat me all the best, but nowhere near as bad as your being treated. When I left him, I felt so guilty. But now I'm happy with a guy I love. End of story, you don't love him. You'll get used to the weird feeling of not seeing him everyday verrrry fast.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 April 2014):
No,sorry, but I can't see where 's the difficult part of leaving here. Unless you totally brim with self loathe and feel you deserve to suffer or something.
There are many women who write to us, describing situations in which they feel stuck and have trouble leaving. But, generally, there's some advantage for them that makes splitting up difficult... like, the man is lousy, but the sex is fantastic... the man supports them financially and they would find themselves with no income no savings and no job experienece... he is a good dad and the kids would miss him terribly...there's no physical attraction anymore, but the man is still a good caring deserving partner ...
But you ? What do you GET from this mess ? what's in it for you ?
You say you stay out of pity because without you he would have nothing. Well, as long as you stay with him YOU are the one who's got nothing ! - just drudgery, work and expenses. You are breaking your back to support a wily lazyass that will keep exploiting you and making of you his unpaid maid, so what have YOU got ? No money, no savings, no freedom, no love, no sex ,no peace of mind .. and, sorry, no dignity.
You are so lucky to have a mom who'd take you in, don't walk, RUN to her.
As for him... he can go stay with the cousin and her 5 kids , since he likes children so much !
And your dog will thank you too- if he ends up attacking a child, then it will end up with having to be taken away,- or put down. abd you would also have no dog, then.
As for missing him... all of us resist to change, and some of us more than others and more than it's healthy. There's people who get out of jail and at first freedom feels weird, threatening and even lonely to them,- they got used to the squalor of their prison cells, it feels safer , because at least your life is lousy but is low risk, it's predictable, other people make all the decisions for you, and you get used to that. Any big change may feel scary at first, but if it is a POSITIVE chage, prety soon you'll get to enjoy and appreciate the new positive circumstances and stop altogether missing the old shitty ones.
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