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female
,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend has said and did some things in the past (especially while intoxicated). It's made me a very jealous person, when in reality I'm not. How do I deal with this and the stress of it?
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (29 August 2005):
 We would need to know more info before answering this for certain. However, from what you said, I would consider that sometimes jealous feelings are one of many unpleasant feelings.
1- Sometimes it is human to feel jealous. If you have been put in competition with another person, that is not okay in the context of a relationship. He might have been drunk but to say things that put you into such a position is simply wrong. Then consider anger another possible feeling and let both compel you to resolve the problem. (Just make sure your reaction is appropriate. Confront him and tell him the behavior you will allow and not allow. Establish good boundaries as it keeps you safe.)
2- Inappropriate jealousy comes from a position of fear or need. If this is the case you can still talk it over with him and ask he be more considerate. Establish within yourself what trigger he pulled and work that separate issue out. It is still okay for you to request that he not hurt you where you are weak. Tell him you realize that it is your issue but to help you out while you heal.
3- Misplaced jealousy can come into play when the appropriate feeling is scary and we use other feelings to replace the real or justified feeling because it is our way of dealing in the past and because it worked for us before. That does not seem to be your issue. But jik, the feelings of fear, anger, sadness, and a general attitude that believe things should be a certain way are usually to blame. For example, if he embarrassed you publically by making fun of something important to you, anger and embarrassment are appropriate. Being jealous that his ex-girlfriend baked a better cake is not the issue.
The difference between 2 and 3 is that one is threatening and the other is not what others would expect from you as they listen to the story. Also, if you were a jealous person or one who liked to punish and knew this is the best way to do so, see number 2.
Again, it is difficult to say what to do with so little info, but try to analyze the situation for appropriateness. It could be that number 2 is the problem since you did say that he was drunk when he did the wrong deed.
It might be that you are defending him a little bit because he was drunk, but that is misguided. He could have a problem and you don't want to see it. Perhaps you enjoy hanging out and going out to parties. That is understandable. You may fear that you both might have to sit around and be bored. Then try to delay your decision and just watch what happens. Be a little scientist like Jane Goodall. She sat and watched the gorillas without judgement in their own habitat. No personal judgements but when she was done she could relate the story of their lives and their ways. Then when you are done you can determine if this guy is really for you.
If he has a drinking problem, not only are they too truthful when drunk, but it always gets much, much worse before any hope (if there is any) of getting better. In such a case, help him hit bottom by standing up for yourself and leave if you are not having fun anymore. Otherwise, he will bring you down with you. Don't cover for him, don't make excuses for him, let him clean up his own messes. Otherwise he may never remember the jerk he becomes and he will never feel the need to clean up.
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