A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A fleeting moment of insecurity had me snoop through my husband's phone while he was in the shower. Now he is distant. What's my next move?I'm 95% of the time very confident but I get these fleeting moments of insecurity from time to time. I usually am too busy to spend much time on these thoughts but when I do my "get it done" attitude makes me quick to act. When a moment of insecurity hits me and I'm not able to mentally slap myself back into shape I will do what I need right away to prove to myself that the insecurity is false. I trust my husband and didn't snoop because I didn't trust him - I snooped to prove to myself I was being dumb. I personally don't think of my phone as being off limits to him and wouldn't feel upset if he were to look through anything of mine.Of course I found something strange (a pic of a girl)and I panicked and immediately confronted him only to realize it was from our neighbor (my husband hadn't saved his number yet) and it was a pic of his date on Halloween night. I totally jumped to conclusion and almost gave myself a heart attack but if I would have been in my right mind I would have remembered seeing that costume and girl...and recognized the number. Ugh!Now I am in the dog house. He says he isn't stoked that I went through his phone. Now he has been distant over the past day or so. We've only been married a little over a year. I don't want him to think I always snoop and/or that I distrust him. I admit I can behave a little loony from time to time. after all it's my quick sense to act and get things done and my HUGE imagination that make me great at my job. I just want to smooth past this quickly. I don't like that I have put us in this situation. I don't nag for him to do things or get angry for him playing video games or expect him to do things my way because he moved into my house - I just totally had a moment.I don't want a fleeting moment and bad judgement call to disrupt such a great union we have.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): Original Poster here!All is well and back to normal. I worked late last night and came home to apologize and he said there was no need. We've known each other for years and never once had I done anything like this and I have always been the most confident person he's known. He knows my past and where I've come from and he would have been amazed if I never once let any of that effect how I viewed the world and relationships. He also said he is far from perfect and he knows his angry negative attitude doesn't always sit well with me but I don't snap at him and put him in the dog house but rather and always quick to try and find the silver lining for him and forgive any temper tantrums he has. So neither of us are perfect but we are working on ourselves because together we both make the other person a better person and can do things we couldn't do on our own. No more phone snooping for me!
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (4 November 2010):
You just told him in no uncertain terms that you do not trust him. This is a HUGE problem, at least with me - I have left relationships because of it. You need to work on your trust issues b4 you move forward.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): I think the other aunts are being too kind. You snooped through his things. You found something innocent but read the worst possible implication into it. You didn't hesitate to accuse him of infidelity. In short, he's got every reason to think that you don't trust him in the slightest and you've given him a demonstration of your poor character and your poor judgement.
"Insecurity" doesn't justify that sort of behaviour. It's not a magic wand you can wave to say "I don't trust you, but yoi will forgive me because I'm insecure". Insecurity is a state of mind you should control, not one you should allow to control you.
All you can do is apologise, tell him that you do trust him, that you acted terribly. Your lack of trust has obviously hurt him, as it would, but he has put a lot into the relationship so it will likely take more than once to break it.
But also obviously, in the future he'll never quite trust you, never tell you anything that would feed your insecurities, and will always have a small alarm bell in the back of his mind concerning your character and your judgement. Those things you can't fix without some years of proof to the contrary. So most importantly, never use your "insecurity" as an excuse to do anything like this again.
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (3 November 2010):
You have more problems than snooping and that’s something you need to recognize. You have no trust in this so I’ll assume that your courtship was brief or you fell to connect, ie: “expect him to do things my way because he moved into my house” I think if you had a true connect it would our home not house. He’s building up a wall and its more than snooping: “He says he isn't stoked that I went through his phone.” Where did this come from? You need to answer that not here but to yourself. You have problems that need to be address. At your pace, he’ll have his own place.
“I don't want him to think I always snoop and/or that I distrust him.” You will because you don’t trust the man and he knows it:
1.) You two home
2.) He takes a shower
3.) You recognized this is your chance to check him-you could have stop
4.) You went through it-you could have stop
5.) You check messages and files-you could have stop
6.) You turn in confronted the man-you could have stop
You have no trust and this will spiral out of control unless you to communicate or at least see a counselor. You have many problems wrong with your relationship that you need to accept and start work on them as well
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A
female
reader, Ms Lovalot  +, writes (3 November 2010):
Hello my lovely,
Okay so it sounds like you made a bad call but don't be so hard on yourself lovey, us women are all prone to bouts of uncertainty and vulnerability thats all part of what makes us soft, fluffy and feminine. Sometimes we just need a nice strong man to put his arms around us and reassure us that they love us and everything is ok, because sometimes we just feel a little fragile. Whilst your man doesn't sound like a cheat he perhaps doesn't always do a great job of making you feel loved and valued. Apologise only once for your error and forgive yourself, quite frankly if he carries on this wounded act for much longer after you have said sorry you'll need to tell him to get over himself. You are truly sorry- what more does he want than that-blood.You and hub need to have a little discussion about how you sometimes feel and what he can do to help-a marraige takes work and effort and he needs to be attentive to your needs.
Big hugs my love, Ms Lovalot.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 November 2010):
 Apologize and let it blow over. At times, we let our insecurities take over and get the best of us..but breathe that sigh of relief when we're proven wrong. It happens. To break it, think of it this way, every time you have peeked it's always been nothing. In other words, there is nothing to worry about so you really have no reason to snoop or doubt him.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 November 2010):
 If he knows this just happens from time to time with you I don't think it should be caused a great fuss about. A couple of days in the doghouse is punishment well enough, and once the days are up you should go back to being normal and happy together. Just have a makeup talk (and possibly finish it off with makeup-sex) become friends again and let it go.
If he doesn't want to let it go, but has a deeper more serious problem with snooping (you not keeping your phone off-limits for him has no relevance here, he has a right to privacy) then you need to respect that. You could suggest he puts a password on his phone so you can't snoop through it should you have a moment of insecurity again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 November 2010):
 You need to talk to him. And own your own actions. Why so insecure?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 November 2010):
Apologize, then just give him a few days to come around. That's all you can do on that.
As for the trust issues, it's clear that you need to attend to those one way or another. Whether that's through counselling, or just watching your behaviour, you need to deal with it. You need to understand why you've done this, why you're insecure at times. Everyone gets insecure sometimes. There's nothing wrong with that. But it's important that rather than snoop, you communicate your worries. If you don't, and you continue this way, you'll wind up driving your husband away. This is the very first warning sign. So from here, you need to move forward.
Apologize to him, tell him you were just feeling insecure and then just give him a few days. Hopefully he'll come around.
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