A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I snooped. He always has said I could go through phone, email, anything whenever I wanted because he has nothing to hide. Something he said the other day raised some suspicion so I snooped somewhere I've never looked before. I did not find evidence of cheating but I found an old love card from his ex girlfriend.I could understand that maybe he forgot the card was where it was (in the pocket of an old folder) but what really bothers me about this is that he has always said that he doesn't keep cards and stuff he just throws them away. I eventually stopped giving him cards and letters a year or two into the relationship because of this. So he kept this card from an ex but he has NONE of my cards or letters... I looked. I snooped more and found nothing but this card thing is really, really bothering me. I don't think I can hold it in but I don't want to start a fight either. Please help.
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 August 2012):
That card will be the "pebble in your shoe" for as long as you let it....
You can remove your shoe and shake out the pebble... OR, you can endure the pebble and let it bother you until those shoes are completely worn out (and you discard them)... and THEN it won't irritate you any more....
Good luck...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): Perhaps like you said, he genuinely wasn't aware of its existence anymore?
Despite the fact that he had this card, and he said you could snoop whenever you wanted because he's got nothing to hide, you really aren't doing your own ability to trust him any favors by doing so.
Good relationships are based on (Amongst other things) trust. But if you're living by the suspicion that he maybe hiding things from you and you need to go snooping to find them, you're going to have a very miserable relationship with this man.
I would discuss this with him and if he tells you he didn't know he still had it, or he forgot about it then I think you should believe him.
You haven't mentioned any other reasons why you should distrust him apart from finding this card, so he doesn't sound like he's going to betray you in any way.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (22 August 2012):
 Hi
I dont get why your so hell bent on snooping, its almost like you WANT to find evidence of cheating. He couldn't be more open or tolerant with you,he has nothing to hide. Maybe he forgot that one card, maybe he wants to keep it for some reason. I keep some stuff too, tickets,cards,postcards,letters etc..doesnt mean I haven't let go, it means that once these people were special, made me happy..and thats good to remember
You should look at yourself and your insecurities before he walks away.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): He doesn't need to keep your cards because he's got you!!!
I wouldn't get all bent out of shape because he has an old card from his ex. like you said it is an old card. I still have letters and cards from my ex husband from back in 1976 and we're not together and never will get back together.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (22 August 2012):
 Hmmm, that is why snooping is such a slippery slope. If you never find anything, no harm done, but if you do it can become a ticking time bomb inside of you. So ask yourself these questions. Would there have been an innocent reason you could have honestly stumbled across this card by accident? If the answer is no, then it will be harder to mention it to him. Guys are funny about snooping, even when they act like they have nothing to hide. In all honesty he probably has forgotten about the card. Maybe there was a time in his life when he kept things like that. Now that he's older, he realizes they're just clutter collecting dust. Perhaps the card is from that era in his life when he used to save such things. And he's forgotten it's there. Would it make you feel better to just throw it away? More than likely he isn't going to miss it, since he probably didn't remember it was ever there. Maybe if you dump the card (in the dumpster down the street, after you tear it up) you'll feel like that bad karma is gone and you can forget about it? That's one possibility.....If you can explain how you "stumbled" onto it innocently, then I would certainly ask him why he never saves your cards, but he managed to hang on to this one?.....Only you know if you can pull this off without making it worse. I wish you the best, and I'd like to tell you it's probably best never to snoop again, but you and I both know that once you cross that line, you're gonna go back from time to time just to make sure nothing new has cropped up. Just be careful. You know the rules now.
...............................
A
male
reader, sunilal  +, writes (22 August 2012):
to believe you does not require proof. ask him directly. and love him more. a spouse should a mind that the counter part is not a cheat (unless very strong signals are shown).
he may not be dishonest. might have forgot or something. ask him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): If he can be that open and honest with you, why can't you do the same? It might not even start a fight being that he gave you permission. You feel guilty that you searched through his things, but wouldn't you feel a lot worse if you actually found something that signals red flags.
...............................
A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (22 August 2012):
My mother had an entire boxful of letters she received from various soldiers, one a boyfriend, others just male friends, during WW2. Not one of them was from my father, whom she met at a later date. He knew she had them, and never complained or asked her to get rid of them. When she died they were passed down to me- they are now 70 years old and authentic history.
You only found this one single card after searching long and hard for something your boyfriend was unaware he had and had completely forgotten. I'm sorry, but you're sounding like a bunny boiler and if you want this relationship to have a chance you'd better back off and quit being so obsessive. Otherwise you will lose him to someone saner.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): Men are stupid and inconsiderate.
However, you can not give someone a gift and then be disappointed that they did not receive it the way you wanted them too. If it is a gift, then you give it from the heart.
Maybe it was coincidence that you found the card and maybe not but you should discuss the concerns you have.
...............................
|
