A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:I feel in a terrible situation, I went out the other night and got quite drunk, I bumped into my sister's ex-husband, they have been divorced for about 7 years, we started to dance with each other, chatted about old times but it didn't stop there, we kissed and then he came back to my place and we had sex, I feel terrible, how could I do this, he has 2 children with my sister, my sister is in a new relationship and very happy, she divorced him. I seen him once more after that but I have now put a stop to it because it feels wrong but he keeps ringing me, I've tried to tell him it's wrong but he doesn't seem to think so. I'm dreading my sister finding out because we are a very close family, god knows what they will think, I am going to deny it, have to. Please has any one been in this situation and if so what was the out come.?
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (17 February 2008):
 They are divorced after all, so contact will be minimal - she has moved on. But yeah, I would deny it if it ever comes up ( why not? ) and tell him to take a jump ( not on you preferably!:)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): A close friend of mine found out that her sister and her husband were sleeping together whilst the (the wife) was very unwell and then, in addition, her sister got pregnant and decided to keep the baby. Of course everybody found out about it and the results were terrible. I know this case is more extreme than ours but still, a lot of family members will take a very dim view of what they will consider to be a betrayal. In the case of my friend, her mother in law stopped talking to her own son, my friend's mother stopped talking to her own daughter and her son in law, my friend's son was upset and caught in the middle of it all and started wetting the bad and having bad dreams. In short, it was a total bloody nightmare and my friend just cried and cried herself to sleep every night for months. So, no, I would not tell your sister. You say yours is a 'close family' and "God knows what they will do' if they find out - well I'd say you don't even want to imagine what they will do. I understand the point about telling the truth and all that however is it worth it for the sake of what sounds like a meaningless fling. The ex husband frankly sounds a bit shabby if he keeps pursuing you like this (sorry if that sounds rude!). You'll have it on your conscience, which is punishment enough, without everyone finding out and bollocking you as well. Also there are children involved and he is their dad etc .. Make it clear that he must leave you alone and if he does get vindictive and tell someone, then you'll have to say he is making it up or say he made a pass at you and he won't leave you alone or something. I'd normally never advocate lying as I'm very open and up front but in this case (& I feel bad saying this but still ...) I would keep quiet for now. Ask yourself the question 'is anybody going to benefit if I say something?' and 'is anybody going to get hurt or lose out if I don't'. I'm sorry if this sounds amoral and I'm not but I just think it's for the best right now. Maybe you could speak to a counsellor about it if it starts to affect you ie guilt bugging you etc ... I do agree with the other posters that it is best to be honest and I support that as an ideal but sometimes it might cause more bad than good. As long as you are sure your sister won't find out because of course if you lie and then she finds out, you are in worse deep water. Whatever you decide to do, good luck and don't beat yourself up too much anymore what's done is done and you were drunk (just don't get drunk again when he is around for goodness sake) and it sounds as though you meant no harm or malice and would not want to hurt your sister. Also they ARE divorced and she is with someone new so it's not the same (in my view) as sleeping with her actual husband or current boyfriend. Also you have already said you are going to deny it so it sounds like you just need some reassurance rather than other people to make a decision for you. Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (16 February 2008):
 I am very close to my sister too but I think on this occasion you are right NOT to mention it to her. It's definitely not worth the pain and upset. You have made the right decision not to say. Just make sure it NEVER happens again! Good luck.
~Eve~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for your replies, there is no way i can tell my sister what happened, i will just have to deny it if any one asks.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): I would not tell my sister anything! And if her 'ex' decides to tell teh world, then call him a liar. It's not fair, but many things in life are not fair. Now you must tell him to stop calling you and that it's over. Tell him you are no longer interested in doing this again and to not call you again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): Let's just put it out there, yeah you say you were drunk the first time but that can't be your excuse for the second time. I believe you should tell your sister what happened before he does. I know if my sister ever did that to me and someone else tells me instead of her, I would be hurt. He's not worth it, you guys are sisters for ever. Drop him as soon as possible and move on.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (15 February 2008):
No, thankfully I have never been in your situation before. It's not the end of the world though. You've come to your senses now. Although your sister is no longer with him, I'm sure she would be appalled that you did what you did so the sooner you put it out of your head and put it down to bad judgement the better. If he continues to ring you then tell him very assertively that it's over and NOT to call you any more as you're not interested. Next time he does call you then ignore it, keep doing that and he'll soon get the message.
At the end of the day, if he wants to spill the beans then it's his word against yours isn't it? In this instance I would forget it ever happened. Put it completely out of your head and any guilt you feel with it and if he ever has the gall to tell your sister about it then deny it vehemently! If you own up to this then you're opening up a can of worms which could cause you and your sister to fall out indefinitely and he's just not worth that!
FORGET IT! Delete his number and even change your own number if you have to.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, kellyO +, writes (15 February 2008):
 Hi Anom,
I know you dont want to so this but the only answer i can give here is to let you sister in on what happened. She will find out later on and it is better from you than him. You say you are a very close family means you wont be able to deny it when approached with it. I cant lie to my sister, she always seem to know when i am trying to hide something.
what has happened has happened you just have to deal with the consequences now. Deal with it the right way.
Goodluck. kelly
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