A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, So this may be a bit long, sorry for that. Basically I was with a friends with benefits for a couple of months, but I knew it wasn't going any where. So I went on a dating site just to see if there would be anyone. Fortunately there was. I broke it off with my friens with benefits and met with this new guy. Things seem to go great and he is funny. He is also in the RAF so I only get to see him over the weekends. This is where it has got complicated. I took him and his friend back to base, and cos of the flooding and all that he made me stay the night, and his friend told us to go to his room cos he had some drink. So we did. But my new boyfriend didn't want to drink cos he had work early so he left to go to bed. So me and his friend were left on our own. We got really drunk and we were talking and then he said he fancied me and I said it back. We went out for a fag and when we went back into his room we blocked the door (it didn't lock) And he picked me up and took me all over the room, it was good I'm not going to lie! Minutes after we finished my boyfriend walked in. He didn't even know anything. We just pretended I was more drunk than ever. I wasn;t even fully clothed, I only had my top and trousers on. His friend quickly kicked everything out of sight. He didn't even have a clue what had happened. He just wanted to know why I was being so long. After me and his friend decided to never speak about it ever again. I don't want to at all, his friend also has a gf as well! It was a drunk mistake. I do like my boyfriend a lot he is very funny and he makes me happy. But I just don't know how I am going to make the relationship work, cos I am always looking at other men, and I admit he isn't my type. But I like him, and He really likes me too. I just don't know what I can do. Please can someone help me :\
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male
reader, neversaygiveup  +, writes (13 December 2012):
You surely have a big issue with your perception of morality. First, you were friends with benefits. Having sex with a friend who is not someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend shows the person is horny. The good thing is that you realized that being friends with benefits wasn’t going anywhere. And then you went on a dating site, and you got a new boyfriend. One day, you took your boyfriend and one of his friends home. What confuses me is that why your boyfriend would bring another guy to your date and leave his girlfriend and his friend alone. Being drunk can make people do crazy things is a well-known common sense. So here comes another question, why would you drink so much. Consequently, you cheated on your boyfriend. And finally, instead of acknowledging the fact and trying to smooth it out, you chose to conceal the truth. So first, your moral standards should be enhanced to normal level. Having sex is a serious matter, so don’t do it casually. Second, never be drunk, and then the chance of troublesome things happening would be limited to minimum. Third, focus on the relationship; don’t fancy other guys when you have a boyfriend. And last but not least, do not hesitate. If you love your boyfriend, then be with him and love him without any distractions. If you think he is not your type, then end the relationship early to prevent further emotional entanglement. Choose one! You can try to ask yourself, “is it ok if I merry this guy.” If yes, then be with him; if no, then leave him and wait for the right guy. In a blog, I saw a very useful note that you could use to deal with your situation. “Acknowledge that people always have other options for connection, and they may enjoy other partners besides me, even if we’re in a close relationship together. Rather than seeing this as a problem, I see it as an opportunity to expand my experience of love, shifting it from attachment to abundance.” You could convince your boyfriend that you still love him with this theory. Of course, we are not gods, so we always make mistakes. Though maybe my tone in the previous page might be harsh, don’t be depressed. What I was trying to do is that to let you be aware of your problems, and think of some ways to fix them. If you still have troubles dealing with your boyfriend, I recommend you to read a book, which is called How To Have A Great Relationship: 96 Tips For Turning A Healthy Relationship Into The Perfect Relationship. This book has a really high rate, and in people’s comments, they say that this book really helped them. So I bought it and skimmed it. All these tips are really effortless but powerful suggestions. A tip in the book is “Admit your mistakes. If you know you've done something to hurt your partner, intentionally or not, own up to it. Humble yourself and apologize sincerely, without making excuses or justifications like "I'm sorry you made me angry."” I think you can apply this tip right now, and I think it will work perfectly. Finally, I really hope you will find your true love, maybe or not this guy. You are still young, and you have plenty of time. If you don’t feel excellent with your current boyfriend, then just follow your heart. It is better to wait for your true love than to reluctantly in a relationship with a guy who is not your type. So, good luck!
A
female
reader, angelica93 +, writes (11 December 2012):
Dear Anonymous
From what you have mention and the action that you have taken, it seems that you have some issues that need to be treated firstly before getting into another relationship. The way it seems is that you have problems staying faithful and are not committed to a serious relationship and like to mess around and have fun. Seeking help may prevent you from having problem in your future relationships and can help you be stable with one single guy if you wish to do that. It seems that you may have an addiction towards sexual desire according to Joe Zychik called Nymphomania which means that “ it enables the sex addict to escape the demands of a real relationship and gain a short –term sexual pleasure that leads to a life of continual loneliness”.
The reason why the conclusion is given because, first off you had a friends with benefits then found a boyfriend that liked you for you ,but then cheated on him with his friend . That showed that you have no desire on having a real relationship anytime soon. When you cheated on your current boyfriend you said you were drunk even though you knew what was going on you could of stop it but you did not and continued on. You were in denial of the actions that you were taking at the moment you stated that “We just pretended I was drunk than ever”. .Even though you knew your boyfriend was close by, you didn’t care you let the desire take over and it made things worse. That is one of the “Behaviors associated with sexual Addiction” according to WebMD. Some are Multiple or Anonymous sexual partners and /or one night stands, unsafe sex.
The fact that the friend had a girlfriend didn’t help the situation that you are in. Both of you decided that you would never discuss what happened but eventually the truth will come out and you should come clean to what really happened if not done the consequences will be worst . First you should tell your boyfriend what exactly happen and do not lie about anything because maybe the friend can change things up for his benefit and you can come out worse than before . If both of you decide to stay together your partner can help you out with the addiction. According to Shannon Brys is it easier with the help of your partner “we encourage partner involvement from the beginning, ‘Beginning for addicts and partners for them to get a basic overview of addiction”.if he is willing to help out counseling is a good option.
If the decision of both of you is to separate and start a fresh relationship you should start clean with your partner. But before anything you should seek help and figure out what exactly you really want maybe you feel lonely and that is the reason why you seek a certain sexual desire from other men. There are also treatments that can be done for example: education about healthy sexuality, individual counseling, and recovery programs. When found the help necessary starting a new fresh relationship can be done if taken the necessary steps like taking things more seriously and slower and that the liking is mutual. The current relationship may not work out due to that you don’t really like him because you even said it “he is not my type”.
M y advice is to first come clean to the things that happen between you and your friend’s boyfriends. Then also tell him about the friends with benefits that you had before him. Also if you really have an addiction you should seek help and then maybe you can finally have a healthy relationship with someone that you like and he likes you as well. If when coming clean to what happen and you decide to stay together you should see if you like each other because like you said he is not your type.
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A
female
reader, ziggymarley +, writes (11 December 2012):
Dear anonymous , I read your letter on dearcupid.org and i can try to help you out with these problems your encountering in life with some advice but, it has to take a lot of effort from your part to accept the truth. In the short summary i read about you, i narrowed the problem down. I believe you are not a faithful person because you just like men and there is nothing wrong with liking men but there is a problem when you have intimacy with another man while your in a relationship. This is called being unfaithful and not being true to yourself or to your partner. You also try to blame other things to cover up who you really are . For instance, you said that alcohol was what triggered the infidelity that took place in the short summary you wrote but,you know that is not the case because then you wrote that the beers that you consumed didn't have no effect on your person. I know that if you just open yourself up to a man and love him because of the way he treats,loves,and cares for you , your life will completely change.On the contrary, if you keep playing games and blaming other things for your mistakes there are harsh consequences that will indeed trigger your life. Debbie Bridges,MD, states "Sex addicts engage in distorted thinking, often rationalizing and justifying their behavior and blaming others for problems. They generally deny they have a problem and make excuses for their actions"(MedNet.com). I do believe that you may fall into this category because in the summary i read it justifies that you blame alcohol for having sexual relations with your boyfriends friend. Having sex is a normal aspect of life but having sex with a person that you just met is not healthy. Also, in the beginning of your summary you stated that you have had friends with benefits in your past. A friend should not be the person you give yourself to because he is just your friend. You might enjoy the comfort a friend can give but not to the point where you indulge in sexual acts. Before having any sexual contact with a person , you must first now if they might carry any sexually transmitted disease before giving your self to them. I don't know if you knew this or not but from what i read you just are ready to give your self with out any questioning. This part of you must stop. The reason why is because you might not know if you have any disease that your passed partner s may have given you and it can be easily transferred from person to person. "Teenagers and young adults acquire STIs more easily than older people. By age 25, half of sexually active adults get an STI. Having multiple sex partners also raises your risk" states ( WebMD: Female Sexual Problems). So by giving you this information you must acknowledge it and be more careful and honest to your self being. Honestly is the right policy. i really love that saying because it is one hundred percent true.. I really believe that if you want to have a healthy relationship you have to be honest about every single thing because if your not then the relationship will eventually come to an end due trust issues, jealously, etc. You need to tell your boyfriend that you have not been true to him because you have betrayed him with another man. Your boyfriend might break up with you or he might stay with you to give you any shot at love. If you don't like him as a boyfriend then you should just break up with him while your confessing all the wrong you have done to him in this relationship. When you have confessed everything, your mind and body will just feel so much lighter then before. The Best Part of becoming a better person is that your going to be free and so much happier then before, if you just stay true to yourself . To sum it all up, i know that becoming a better person is not going to take one day. It will take several days or weeks but, if you know that you are not a happy person right now then why don't you just give it a shot. Keep in mind that hurting a person is not going to make your life any easier,hurting a person will just keep on building regret and life should not be filled with regret. Life is beautiful , life is only lived once. You will find that special some one that will love you, if you are one hundred percent committed. So tell your hormones to give love a shot but the right way.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (29 November 2012):
Being drunk is no excuse, it just lets you do the things you want to do without questioning whether it is a good idea or not. Tell your bf what happened and say sorry. Both you and his friend were really disrespectful whilst he was being responsible about not drinking to much. He may understand and if so think yourself very lucky.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (28 November 2012):
99% chance your relationship is over. Learn from it and try not to make the same mistake again.
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