A
male
age
41-50,
*hool
writes:4 months ago, the girl I love broke up with me, justifiably, because I hurt her. We had met whilst both studying the same course, and when we got together, she had already been besotted with me for some time. We we're together for about a year, and although things were very happy, it later transpired that we had both kept our feelings too close to our chests, neither one of us wanting to 'rock the boat', so to speak, for fear of upsetting what we had. In hindsight, a regrettable aspect, though obviously not as regrettable as what was to come. After a year of being together, I made the desicion that I was happy enough on my own, and one night I foolishly took the chance to break things off. I certainly don't want to make excuses for my actions, and well know that at the time the desicion seemed right, but again, this is why hindsight is a fickle friend at times like this. Anyway, to continue, we were apart for about 6 months during which time we both saw different people. This however, is where the story becomes complicated, as seemingly do all stories when relationships are concerned. During our time apart (this is where hindsight comes into play again), I began to realise what it was I was missing. As I know everyone says in a situation like this, I began to get a sense how important her being in my life was to me. I won't waste your time the usual opining, but just as everyone else who has loved and lost can attest, she means a great deal to me and we share a whole world in common. So far, so standard. It was during this time however, that I made my gravest mistake, as if splitting up the first time wasn't enough of one. About 4 months into being apart, I had been spending my time going out, partying, telling myself I was better off 'young, free and single'. A great delusion, masterfully pulled. It didn't last long. I had been living on my own for a while, spending too many days smoking too much weed, taking prescription drugs, and watching porn. Again, so far, so standard, at least from a tradionally idiotic male viewpoint. I would advise anyone against this route of casual entertainment. Drugs and porn do not a happy man make. Anyway, it sounds like i'm attempting to make excuses again, so I will endevour to continue. After saturating myself in such nonsense for a few weeks, I started getting numbers of call-girls from the internet, initially merely for the added frission it gave to the notion of fantasy. Again however, a big mistake. Despite not acting out on any impulse, I found myself, after a particularly heavy weekend out with friends, in a position where I did choose to give one of these people a call, and ended up visiting a prostitute. There's no point in claiming inebriation/loneliness/any other excuse to justify what I did. There are always other factors, but the main driving force, at the time, was a mixture of arousel and curiosity. I have to mention here, that despite claims of curiosity, it was not the first time this had happened, although it is not however a habitual act. It has happened once before when, as a younger man I was taken by "friends" to visit a prostitute to loose my virginity. Not an experience I wish to recall, and now, viewing the ruin of recent months, not an experience that has been of any benefit, although maybe I didn't learn from it soon enough. Anyway, back to the present. Having taken it upon myself to pay for sex again, I found myself feeling dirty, guilty, ashamed, an endless list of regret. So I decided to do the only thing I thought I could do, and bury it down deep, pretending it had never happened. A plan which, as stupid as it may have been, seemed to work, for a while. A couple of months after this had happened, through some stroke of divine providence, my ex and me somehow managed to find our way back to one another. Obviously, having instigated the break-up initially, I felt supremely gratefull, and we took things slowly, but as it progressed we started to really do things right, and were both feeling hopefull and happy. This is where the phrase 'be sure your sins shall find you out' really hits home. A text to my phone from the prostitute i'd visted was found by my girlfriend. Stupidly, instead of coming clean then and there, my belief in the ability of self-denial, coupled with cowardice of course, meant that I attempted to brush it off as a wrong number. Again, just another mistake I made that I should never have done. Instead of owning up, I simply made out that nothing was wrong, which simply caused my poor love a week of secret anguish as she cleverly put 2 and 2 together, and with the help of internet search engines, worked out what I had done. Two weeks after the 'mis-sent text', we were finished. Four months after that, I'm heartbroken still. Now I know that having done what I've done, I don't really have much, if any defence. She has got on with her life, started seeing someone else, and is, on the most part doing well. I, however, have taken longer, and am still very much in love with her, for what good it does either of us though, i'm not sure. Despite everything, I still hold on to the slightest hope that we can get back together. I know it's the same old refrain, but everyone has to have hope. We still spend time together, and still make plans for the future, still laugh and enjoy each others company, still cuddle on the sofa and I think we're still both important people in each others lives. I know she is still angry, and I don't question that for a second. I know nothing will change soon, but really I don't want to spend my life with anybody else, so I guess i'm in this world of hope and disappointment for the long haul. Maybe things will work out, all I know is I can only keep trying. I hope i've recounted everything as clearly as possible. I don't really know what kind of advice I should expect. I fully acknowledge the idiocy of my actions. I wish i'd never made the mistakes i've made, as now i'm reaping all that i've sown. I guess I just want some cause for hope, because at the moment, that's all I can hope for.
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broke up, drugs, get back together, heartbroken, my ex, porn, prostitute, text, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): I agree with the male anonymous reader. You were single at the time, and were undoubtedly trying to get over the original break up.
I myself am going through something similar to you. I have been smoking alot of weed, and watching alot of porn. While not really pursuing anything worthwhile in my life.
I think the biggest transgression wasn't sleeping with the prostitute but lying to her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): Im going threw the same thing with my bf now. He cheated on me with an escort and got her pregnant. Im already a thousand percent sure he did it, but the fact that im still hear begging for a confession means something..hint- still here, but only til i give up on getting one. I know i should be gone but thts not how all girls work. U have to forgive urself and make it a lesson learned. Its never to late to be honest unless she has to find out for herself first. Trust is very important even if its hard to be honest.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (23 October 2010):
 There IS, believe it or not, something very good in this sad tale of messed-up, deluded and irresponsible behavior and mutual hurt.
What is it? That you realize how foolish, wrong and misguided your actions were. That means you now have the chance to firmly put it all behind you: drug use; over-indulgence in booze, (if that was part of it); porn; the prostitute........maybe you should reconsider hanging out with the friends who encouraged you in all this, also. At the very least, if you choose not to cut them out of your life entirely, perhaps be more discriminating as to how often you see them, and how you spend your time with them when you do......
You say your ex has started seeing someone else, yet still spends time with you. She's going to have to eventually decide whether its you she wants to be with, or this other fella.
It definitely will take time if she's going to feel she can trust you again - nobody recovers from such an experience easily, and may well still bear scars from it from now on - and be able to forgive you. YOU - this is important - have to be able to forgive yourself, too, AND take to heart the insights and lessons you have learned from this unfortunate experience. Hopefully in time the two of you can rebuild your relationship on a firmer foundation.
The last thing I'll say to you is this: you said "be sure your sins will find you out." But remember: when someone has sinned and then realizes and admits his/her guilt and searches for and receives forgiveness, the final instruction is (from Jesus himself, and subsequently from ministers) "You are forgiven (healed) - go (live your life) and sin no more."
Admittedly I have added a little to that "formula." If you decide you need help in dealing with what has happened and subsequently following a different path, you might think about talking to a minister or counsellor for some extra support.
Hope it all works out well: have faith, trust and hope that it will be for the best - whatever happens!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): This is quite the recanted tale of love lost, my friend.
None of us are in your exgirlfriend's head to know exactly what she's thinking about where she is in life, but if she's already seeing someone else and isn't speaking with you, it is safe to say that she thinks you messed up, big time, and she won't ever be interested in rekindling what you had.
She probably feels very betrayed, and for quite a good reason. Nothing says sex is a commodity to be bought and sold like paying for it from a prostitute, and she probably hates that you did. It probably made her feel worthless, like your intimacy and togetherness meant nothing, that nothing in a relationship is sacred to you.
And although here you have plainly said that you don't think this at all, that this was an indiscretion, you're absolutely right that hindsight is 20/20.
Sorry to say, but you've lost this one, and you probably won't be making a comeback. It's harsh, yes, but let this be a lesson to you. Chalk it up as a life experience, change your ways and move on.
Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): The lying is bad, but I wouldn't beat yourself up too much over the hooker. You were single, so you were free to do that if you wanted to. If you feel guilty or unethical because you're against prostitutes thats one thing, but don't feel guilty about hurting your girlfriend. You were single. If you get the chance come clean to her, the lying is where you betrayed her, not nesscarily what you did when you were single.
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