A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 21 years old, and i am currently dealing with this situation. I have been in a relationship with my ex boyfriend for two almost three years. I have dealt with all the usual problems most women have dealt with when you are with an abusive man. He is an alcoholic who refuses to face that. He has been in and out of trouble with the law for years, and has EXTREME paranoia.The first two years were absolute bliss, he always had a drinking problem, but for some reason i didnt seem to realize that that was what it was. I remember going out with him and he ALWAYS had to have a drink. When i look back now, i realize that all the problems we have now were staring me in the face back then, but i just didnt realize it. Things didnt really start to go bad until june of this year. 1st problem, he doesnt have a job, and hasnt had one since he's been with me, and wasnt trying to find one. He kept asking me if he could borrow my car on the weekends so that he could find a job since i had to work on the weekends and was riding the train to work. BAD idea, but me being dumb, i agreed. So one night, i was coming home from work, and he was to pick me up at the metro station. When i got outside to get in the car, he was there drunk. I thought he was, but wasnt sure, since i didnt see any alcohol with him, but he was, and as soon as he backed out of the parking space, he hit a parked car. When he hit the car, he drove off, starting a high speed chase between us and the car that we hit.Somehow, from all that, he turned it into it being my fault, and was screaming and yelling at me. Now we're dealing with a hit and run case on our hands, and to make things worse, him and his "mother" were trying to get me to go in court and say that we hit the car, but we didnt run! what the fuck?You would think that with him getting me involved into a hit and run case with MY car would be enough to leave him. But i didnt. I stayed with him. Then about a month later, we're out, and he's kinda drunk, and we're yelling and screaming at each other, he hits me. And i start fighting with him too. Then he decides that when i try to take him home, that he's not gonna leave my car. my cell phone died so i couldnt call anyone, and i didnt want to go to the police, since i know what kind of trouble he's already had with them ( they know him like they know the back of their hands)i didnt want to make it worse. So i had no choice but to get my mom in it. I thought that if i just had her ask him nicely to go home, without telling her what had actually happened, it would be ok. But i had a bruise on my arm, and she saw it, so i told her, when he came back, cuz he had left something in my car, she told him to stay away from me, and damn near went off on him. And once again, i went back to him, about a week later. And i had to BEG HIM to come back! Then on Halloween night, we got into another fight, this time, he was not only pissy drunk, but came knocking on my door after i came home from dropping him off down the street, since he wouldnt just let me take him home, at 1 or 2 in the morning, but then starts banging on the door, yelling obscenities at me, in front of my mom, we had to call his brother to come get him, but that just made it worse. Then he came back to my house about an hour later, and took a brick to my car! he slammed the brick down into the hood of my car, then keyed the back of it. It was so humiliating, and to make matters worse, he denied the whole thing! Then blamed me for all of what happened that night. How manipulative can you be? And once again, eventually, i went back. The pain of not being with him felt worse than any of the stuff he had done to me. I was miserable without him, i cried constantly. Along with all that, i was constantly being grilled about where i was, who i was with, when am i coming home, and accused of sleeping with and having some kind of relationship with one of his ex friends. The accusations started at least a year ago, and he would bring it up randomly,whenever he was drunk. He also would use that opportunity to break up with me, and then call me in the morning and apologize. He would call at all times through the night even though i told him that it wakes my mom up and she needs her rest. he didnt care, and he had this paranoia that everyone was out to get him, which was just a way for him to feel sorry for himself.He had no job, no education, no prospects, no future, all he had was his alcohol, and then me, to give him money from every paycheck that i worked hard for, and my car to take him to whatever probation meeting or pawn shop he needed to go to.So last night, literally last night, we decided to go and talk, because the past few weeks its just been us at each others throats, and he called me yesterday getting pissed off because i had gone to the mall to take care of some business when i said earlier that i would be going home. I think he was drunk, or high, but anyways, we were arguing, driving around the neighborhood and fighting, all in the car. Eventually, i decided that i was gonna drop him off, and go home. So we're still fighting all the way, until we get to a stop sign. When i stopped, he reached over to my seat and got on top of me and tried to choke me. unbeknownst to us, there was a cop sitting in the corner with his lights off. As soon as he grabbed my throat, he pulled up right in front of us. I was telling the cop that it was ok, its no big deal, but they wouldnt listen, they already knew how he is, and were fed up with him. They arrested him on the spot, and took him in for 2nd degree assault. I went to his parents house, and told them what happened, maybe i shouldnt have now that i think about it. But when i told them, they said that he should stay there for the night, and that it didnt matter, as long as i didnt press charges and that i tell the officers that i was fighting with him too. Then this morning, his mother calls and speaks with my mom, she wants me to go and release him! My mom damn near went crazy on her. Its not like i called the cops on him, but i still feel bad. I've got a lot of mixed emotions right now. I love him so much, and i wish that things were not like they are, but I'm also tired of all this. I'm not someone who causes trouble and acts a fool in the neighborhood, and he has made me out to be one. He's taken away my dignity, my self-respect, and some of my backbone. I dont know why i feel like i owe him something, and why i cant just let go of him, but it feels like something is pulling me back. The last thing he said to me when he was in the police car was "fuck you" and i still want him. Part of me wants him and misses him tremendously, and the other part of me was fed up and tired of his bullshit. But all i can think is that i'm not ever gonna experience being loved by him ever again. I want to cry all the time now, even though it was just last night, i dont know if i'll ever move on.I dont wanna go through the pain of losing him, as odd as it sounds. Why do i feel like this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, PunkyPippi +, writes (21 January 2009):
 Oh you poor baby...
Now listen up! I work in law enforcement, and NOTHING pisses of off more than woman who goes back to an abusive boyfriend/husband again and again. His behavior is increasingly becoming more violent, and girl, some day it's going to get worse, and you may wind up dead. If the two of you stay together and have children, do you want to have those innocent little beings exposed to that?
I don't know why you keep going back to him, but I have a feeling that he has made you feel like you can't live without him. He puts you down, and then brings you up to make you think that he is the only one who can make you feel good. He walks away so you'll miss him, and then he comes back like a white knight coming in to slay the dragon.
Alcoholics are manipulative because they can't control what they're doing to themselves, so they try to isolate and control those around them.
He can get help, and he can change, but only if he wants to. You're not his savior, you're not going to save him, and you can't make him want to be a better person.
Honey, I want you to walk away from him and have the life you deserve.
Good luck.
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