A
male
age
30-35,
*andomando
writes:I am currently in college and my girlfriend is back home. Over this past Labor Day weekend I took a train down to visit my girlfriend for our 11 month. Our relationship has had its ups and downs at the beginning. My friends told me most relationships start like this, small fights every now and then, but slowly they will stop. I had my doubts and after 5 months the fights seemed to have stopped. These fights were not fights in person but more texting fights. We almost texted and fought everyday for a while because we both wanted to be right, or I would get jealous at something really stupid and we would fight. Toward our 6 month I went to a party and she went to a different party. A guy at the party was mad that he could not hook up with this girl because she was talking to me instead of talking to him. So he spread rumors about me and this girl having sex. And two other rumors about me hooking up with two other girls. First, My girlfriend past is, well ****ed up. I am her third boyfriend and every boyfriend before me cheated on her. Her Dad also cheated on her Mom for 5 years with her moms best friend! Cheating is not something that's okay and not something that is accepted by her. Cheating has destroyed her family and basically ruined her life until she found me. I am 100% against cheating. I hate it and have lost friends who have cheated on their girlfriend. I do not respect them and therefore are not friends with them anymore. Her last boyfriend deceived my girlfriend. She ignored that he cheated on her for a month and pretended it hadn't happened until she woke up! And realized it had happened! She then broke up with him. She really felt like an idiot and swore it would never happen again. When she heard about these rumors she did not care what I had to say she just believed them. She broke up with me for about two weeks. After my friends, people who were there at the party and even the kid who spread the rumors and the girl that I was accused of hooking up with and having sex with said it never happened she took me back. But during those two weeks, I began talking to this girl. Really just about how stupid these rumors were and basically crying to her. She was there for me and we became friends. Just friends. She was really nice and one of the more caring people I had ever met. I wanted to just talk to someone because I was so depressed and felt suicidal. She would be on the phone with me for hours or text me and just listen to what I had to say and make me feel better about my self and this situation. And I guess you can say we became close. She was however considered a slut. Everyone I knew probably thought she was a slut. I did too but she was really nice and I consider her a friend. After all I really thought she saved my life just by talking to me and being there for me. After we had become pretty close friends, when I was going through this, my girlfriend told me when she took me back that I was never allowed to talk to her again. She deleted her number from my phone and deleted her from my Facebook. She was a friend with her on Facebook but I lost all contact with her. I wanted my girlfriend back. Shes my best friend and I'm madly in love with her so if she didn't want me to be friends with her then so be it. I would not. It bothered me a little bit but I hadn't know her as long as I had know my girlfriend so I kind have just accepted it. And, I also did not want her to talk to her older boyfriends so she did not. That was just some background that basically was the fuel to the fire. I lit this fire by making a mistake. The week before college started I moved into my dorm. My roommate had asked me about the whole situation that had happened months ago about the girl. I think that just reminded me of the girl and the whole situation. So that night my friends and I got really drunk. Probably the most drunk I had been in a long time. I went back to my dorm and got on the computer and I Facebook friend the girl I wasn't supposed to talk too. She accepted it within minutes. We were talking and then the talking turned to sexting. I don't really want to go into detail but I mean it was like online sex! Really graphic, very descriptive. I honestly don't remember doing it or saying what I was saying at the time. I woke up late the next day and saw her posts on my news feed so I deleted her. I didn't even read the conversation that we had the night before. I didn't even know we had one. Two weeks later I took the train down for our 11 month. I was staying at her house and all my stuff was in my room. I walked into the shower for no longer then 5 minutes. When I got out she was on my computer. In my head, I was like why are you on my computer. She just looked up and gave me this death look. I said what did I do jokingly and she read parts of the conversation. I was like in shock! I didn't know what to say. I didn't even remember talking to the girl and I actually had to think of when this happened. I was frozen in shock. I tried to say it was my roommate on my Facebook then like after getting through the first sentence and realized that wasn't going to work. I told her the truth. I was drunk and talked to her and did not realized what I was saying and sext her. She was crying calling me a cheater and all this stuff and didn't believe me at all. She kicked me out of her house and I stayed at my friends house for 3 days until my train ride. I talked to her told her everything and all she can say is admit it. I have never cheated on her or touched another girl. I'm not going to admit to something I didn't do. I am not a guy that hooks up with girls. I don't do that. I am however a very stupid person. I make mistakes all the time. I'm not perfect at all. I lose my parents trust for doing dumb stuff and earn it back all the time. And well I have always made mistakes in my life. I know I made a mistake and ****ed up. I just want her back. I love her with all my heart and I really mean that. I just don't know what to do. Its been almost a week and we kind of talk. The first couple days it was like how could you cheat on me and I would say the same stuff over and over. Nothing I said she would listen too. I think she was just mad and didn't want to listen, she said stuff like you broke my heart and ruined this relationship. She said I could have seen us being together forever and I wanted to be with you forever. And I wanted the same thing. It kills me when she says that. I honestly break down in tears at night. I can't eat and have been to the health clinic for throwing up. She asks me hows my stomach and stuff. I said its bad and then told her I have to go to a doctor and she just wants me to keep her informed. I can tell she still likes me and cares about me. My friends been face booking her and talking to her, She said she will never forgive me. And that I have made too many mistakes and that this one was too big to be forgiven. I think I ****ed up. I'm human and well I just want her back. And don't know if I should beg for her or I don't know let her go. I don't text her cause I'm scared to talk to her. Its not nice texting its mean and makes me feel like even more **** so I haven't texted her. I just don't know what to do. I wrote her a card right before I got on the train and buried my heart into it and left it on her car. She is the love of my life and part from the fights and stupid **** she's the best person to be around. I love her! And she loves me. I just need help please write. Tips insight. How to get her back anything. (I know I'm in college and can get girls I don't want to hear that) please help thank you for reading
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male
reader, landomando +, writes (20 September 2011):
landomando is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is the email I sent her because I dont have a facebook or phone. I dont want to give up on her but I dont know what to say or talk to her. Its like our first date i was scared and could barely talk to her.. I feel like that I dont know how to talk her. Before she was my best friend and we could talk about anything. We even farted in front of each other lol we were really close haha ughh I miss her so much:{"Hey,well here goes. I love you so much and I know you hate me. It sucks cause I have only wanted to hold you and be there for you, give you kissys and now you just hate me. Well I love you. I know it may not mean much or anything to you but I hope you can see I made a mistake and I wish you'd forgive me, be mad at me, make me earn your trust back. I love you J***** your all I ever think about your all I care about. I know what your thinking I know what your going to say. You don't have to email me back because my heart is already broken as it is. You don't need to break it down even more. I love you j*****. I know you so well I can already see the email and what your Going to say back to me because I know you. You know I love you J*****. You know I wouldn't do this but I did and I didn't even know I did this. I broke the only heart I ever cared about and now I have to live with that for the rest of my life.I want you to know that your the most beautiful girl in the world. Not because you have a beautiful body. Or an amazing smile or everything about you is amazing but because your personality made you. I think about you and wanting to talk to you every second of the day. I just want to hear you talk in our cute voice and say excuse me. And give each other kissys all the time :'{ I have moments when I think my phone is vibrating just to talk to you but it isn't. Its just my leg twitching. You don't know how badly I want to go to sleep and never wake up :'{. I hurt you j***** I don't know why but I did. U don't know what's going through my mind. You don't know how confused I am. I want you to know that ill always love you. No matter what I will always love you. "Love L*****"
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): I really feel for you on this. It sounds like this girl has really had her heart deeply broken. She can't see how much you love her because she is still very angry at you.
Time is what she needs. I would give it 1-3 months. I know that sounds hard on you, but the longer she has to calm down, the better she'll be able to listen to you when you talk to her and the more she'll get closer to believing you again when you say you trust her.
You did not say whether you did the email thing. If you haven't, I would simply go with this "I'm so sorry I f***** up. I care about you deeply." Just leave it at that. She will come around at some point, either to get mad at you again (as she goes through the grieving cycle) or to give you another chance.
Dont give up.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (17 September 2011):
landomando is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have talked to her and this is what she said "l***** u broke my heart. u made this mistake at s** r***s party. and said it was a mistake and will never talk to her again. yet u do and its worse now.. i dont trust you one bit. and u know thats the most important thing to me in a relationship. i seriously thought we were perfect together but i guess we had a huge flaw. im just in shock u did this to me. and it sucks so bad." She hates me. But she said she will always love me... a lot of stuff on this website is not even close to as bad as this. In my opinion. I really wish she saw it as an a major F up and let me try to gain her trust back. I really do love her with all my heart. Words cannot describe how I feel about her. Shes the most amazing person I have ever meet. I screwed up and its weird I dont even remember talking to this girl. I wish she didnt get on my computer. She found that and i didnt even know it was there..ugh
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): Hello, I am the previous responder. I find it very suspicious as to how she got your password and that you have no idea either? Is she using some kind of password hacker program? Otherwise, it seems impossible that she could so quickly enter into your things.Aside from this, your question: You cannot make her trust you again. I am sorry to say, she will probably always be nervous about this. Thats not fully your fault. She was born into cheating. There has been no escaping it for her. What you CAN do is make her feel safe and comforted. Trust takes a long time to be earned, but your actions will speak far louder then any words of "Please take me back, I love you." ever will.So just be there for her. Keep a careful tab on her wellbeing, her life, her school, etc. Show you are not giving up. If she wants you back, she will initiate it. But you have to know, it will take a while...did you do the email and coffee thing? If so, how did that go?If I knew her reaction to this, I would be better able to say how to proceed.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (16 September 2011):
landomando is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow am i ever going to get her to trust me again?
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (16 September 2011):
landomando is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for reading this and responding... Some answers to your questions. I dont know how she got onto my computer and how she got onto my facebook.I think her reading that on my facebook when it was off shocked me the most. She stopped trusting me about 6 months into the relationship when someone made a bunch of rumors about me. It wasnt my fault at all yet I lost her trust.(and this is when i believed she thoughti would cheat) I didnt delete the conversation because I didnt even know I had one with this girl. I woke up the next day, saw her posts on my Facebook wall and deleted her. about two weeks later after that happened she got onto my computer and my facebook within minutes and found that conversation. I didnt even know what to say I was shocked and confused. That was the first time I read it too
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): I think you're a good guy with a good heart. You just messed up because alcohol took control. This is why I dislike drinking--it takes decent people and puts them in terrible situations, because unfortunately, "I was drunk" is not a good excuse even though you honestly were drunk and had no idea what you were doing.1) You did like this "slut" girl to some degree, since you subconciously wished to speak to her while you were out of it. I can understand why. You bonded with her in a time when you feel rejected and alone. She was your source of happiness.2) Your girlfriend should not have been on your computer. And how did she get your password? Why didn't you delete this conversation with this girl? If your gf jumps to your keyboard that fast, she has major trust issues with you. Which is odd, because even though her issues are understandable with her awful past, you say you are 100% against cheating. Why does she not trust you then?My advice is, invite your girlfriend out for coffee. Dont put any pressure on it. Say something like "I'm not going to try anything. Let's just de-stress a bit." so she knows you're not desperate to get her back. You need to take things slow. I believe your girlfriend still loves you very much. But her past has made her so insecure about people she loves breaking her heart (her own father even) that she is trying protect herself, and most likely still feeling crushed at what you did. I will bet you she has been worried you will cheat from the very moment you started dating her. Now her fear has come true.I cant promise she will ever get over this. But I can definitely encourage you to express what you have expressed here in an email to her. Take her out for that coffee, take it slow, then tell her to check her inbox when she gets home.Keep the email short. Tell her you made a mistake. (Do not mention the word drunk. That is a useless excuse.) Be honest and say you had a fleeting connection with this girl when she broke up with you, because you were missing her. Say you never had sex, and that the rest of the rumors are lies. Then close with informing her you will put no pressure on her taking you back, will not force her into anything, but love her deeply, and will wait as long as she needs, until she is ready to talk.Best of luck. I hope you two get back together.
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