A
female
age
51-59,
*kigirl100
writes:my world is spinning around me. i feel so out of control and could sure use some advice. i am going explain my situation in a nut shell: was married for 8yrs and with that man for 12 total yrs. he developed feelings for a girl and i was already unhappy in my marriage so i pretty much gave him the boot right away...after a few trips to a therapist. the divorce was wrapped up before you know it. i could have gotten a lot more money from my divorce but my ex was using the settlement process as a tool to stay linked to me. we had the best years of out lives together and made a great couple but lacked the respect for each other a married couple should have. we started dating at 21 and divorced by 33...no children. he basically walked away and never even came back for his things. i gave him a few chances to get his things but he wasn't interested. after a few months, i put his things (clothes) out to the trash and let him know, and he came and picked them up that time. i dated a few months after we were separated and had great dates. i had never really dated so it was a new world for me. i still couldn't believe i was soon to be a divorcee, but i made the most of my new life. i soon met a guy that i became fast friends with. he was soothing for my soul and very healing. after a few months of dating him, i found out he was 10 yrs my junior! he looks a little older for his age. i thought he was about 3 yrs younger than me, and i even battled with that. well, by then i was in love and overlooked the age difference. we have been together off and on for about 3 years. EVERY year, around this time, i pull away and ask for space, clean like a nut, start working out and then he pushes his way back in. the truth is, he is very smart and helps put things in perspective but i find myself getting turned off a lot because of his style of living (he is a "slob") and has the gene and eating habits for obesity. he gains about 20 lbs a year. i am very active and find him not able to keep up with me and he's ONLY 26! i seriously worry about having a disabled man on my hands (like his father) because of his choices in life (eating.) anyway, i am at this crossroads again (april) and feeling myself pull away. on top of this, my ex has been seen driving in my and my families' neighborhoods and just ran into my father in a store (whom he adores)and cried when he talked to my father. my ex lies 25 miles away and has married for about 4 mo. now and has a 9 mo. old with his wife. there is a gut instinct he is missing me...although it could just be that he never took the time to process our divorce because he moved on so fast and now he is. either way, i am really missing him. i know these feelings can be normal, no matter how unhealthy a relationship was. so, my questions are: why might i feel this way every time this year? should i call my ex and ask him why he is coming around (although i know to do this while he is married is inappropriate)? i am hoping i have provided enough information to shed some light on my feelings and i am hoping to get some outside perspective because i really don't have anyone to talk to about this...without being biased. thanks so much!
View related questions:
disabled, divorce, miss my ex, money, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, skigirl100 +, writes (15 April 2008):
skigirl100 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthat makes a lot of sense. i respect your thoughts regarding my ex husband...you are so right. the issue i still have is my current bf being so rad in so many ways. i have discussed my concerns & the same thing happens every time...he steps up, cleans up, starts eating better, exercises & then after a few weeks, he's over it. he is a typical intellect (i hate to generalize). he is just not into his looks...like...at ALL. he's a handsome man though...just a mess. anyhow, i need to do the right thing and give him the boot it seems. otherwise, i see my future as pushing around my 6'7"...who knows what weight by then & me being 10 years older even! ugh!
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (15 April 2008):
 Hi,
I think you are harking for your ex to justify giving your current boyfriend the boot. You don't need to do this, it is not superficial to end the relationship if he is turning into an unhealthy couch potato. But you could at least tell him your concerns, that if he is unable to look after himself you are not prepared to do it. As you are right, if he is piling on the weight at 26 by 36 he will hardly be able to get of that couch. He is at risk of serious heart disease, diabetes you name it.
But that is an entirely different matter to your ex, do you really want to be the person who goes back into your ex's life and upsets everybody? You will bring back old feelings and you will be trying to destroy a new marriage and one where a child is involved - I'm afraid nobody is going to think highly of you if you do that.
You have to let him live his life with his new family, that is the only honourable thing to do. As for you own problem you need to talk to your boyfriend, if he is not willing to do something to improve his lifestyle then you should end the relationship. But don't use it as an excuse to restoke old relationship fires. You need to move on.
good luck.
...............................
|
